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There are nights when cooking is absolutely out of the question. It’s usually a Monday or Tuesday when the following meals will be considered. Sometimes it’s because you’re flat broke after rent, utilities, and one too many trips to the liquor store the weekend prior. Other times it’s because you’re so run down, so defeated, that there is no energy left to spend on deciding what to eat.
These are the meals we’ve all had when delivery is, for whatever reason, absolutely out of the question and the pantry/refrigerator is more barren than your grandmother’s vagina.
Mac and Cheese
There is zero nutritional value in a box of mac and cheese. If you weren’t such a lazy piece of shit, you’d cook a couple of chicken breasts while you wait for your water to boil but we all know that’s not happening. Walk into any house or apartment in America and you can find a blue box of Kraft macaroni and cheese buried in a dark crevice of the least trafficked cabinet in the kitchen. You’re going to hate yourself after finishing an entire box of mac and cheese, but at this point, you’re just piling on. You hated yourself before you ate this shitty excuse for a dinner. One more box of mac and cheese isn’t the end of the world.
Uncle Ben’s Rice Pilaf (Microwave)
This is one very small step above macaroni and cheese. It costs about the same as some blue box Kraft, the only difference is it probably comes with some sort of seasoning that is off the fucking charts in sodium. Again, you could cook of couple of chicken breasts while you wait for the microwave to hit quad zero’s but that’s asking too much. If you weren’t depressed before eating this for dinner, you will be after your roommate sees you (a fully-grown human being) spooning rice from that microwavable package because there weren’t any clean bowls readily available.
Peanut Butter and Jelly
PB & J is a fun snack before bed. It’s not that much fun when you’re eating for dinner, though. Any time you’ve chosen to eat a PB & J for dinner, there’s not going to be milk in the house. You’re probably going to have to use the butts of the bread and since you don’t want to dirty up another plate you’ll use a napkin or paper towel to place your PB and J down when you want to use your hands to take a sip of the tap water you’ve just poured yourself to accompany said sandwich. No, your bread isn’t wet, those are tears. You’re crying into your sandwich and that’s okay. I’d be upset if I was eating this for dinner, too.
Eggs
I’ve asked this question multiple times and no one seems to be able to answer it. Why do three sunny side up eggs fill me up more so than three scrambled eggs do? It’s the same three eggs, and yet I find myself starving after three scrambies. Three sunny side up eggs and I’m ready to run through a brick wall. This is probably the best of the worst, if you catch my drift. You can do a lot with three eggs. Safe bet is to go three eggs over easy with toast (if you’ve got it) and then toss that suspect cottage cheese on the plate next to the eggs as a side dish. Also, Tabasco sauce. Kick the heat up to hide the fact that you’re eating fucking eggs for dinner. Trick your taste buds into thinking it’s something better than what it is.
Whatever Your Roommate Has On Their Side Of The Pantry
Look, I know this isn’t noble. It’s not like anyone feels good about stealing their roomies food. But sometimes it has to be done and you’re a liar if you say you haven’t ever done this. Chances are this is your last resort. Tired, broke, and hungry is no way to go through life, and if you can cross “hungry” off of that list you’re now only tired and broke. Steal a KIND bar. Take a few bites out of that leftover stir fry your roommate made for his girlfriend the night before. He won’t notice if a bowls worth is gone. Basically what I’m telling you is that if you choose this option, you’ve got to make sure it’s stuff that they won’t notice is gone. It’s all fair game, of course, just be careful not to get caught. It’s scummy and kind of fucked up, but when you’re in a scenario where you can’t afford takeout and there isn’t much in the way of groceries you have to do what you have to do to survive.
Your last option is to just not eat dinner. If you choose this option your best bet is just get drunk and try again tomorrow. No judgment here. I mean when you really think about it, it’s kind of ridiculous to ask anyone to cook themselves food every single night of the week after work. .
Image via Unsplash
Respond
jduda@grandex.co
Missing:
1. Cereal
2. An avocado with salt and pepper
I dunno, add toast to that avocado and your dinner suddenly becomes a $15 meal.
-Said no homeowner ever.
Cereal is a great meal for dinner, nothing sad about that
Also just plain old buttered spaghetti noodles. The loser cousin of Mac & Cheese.
Add some peanut butter to the cereal and you have a well balanced, satisfying, and still very sad dinner
I have upvoted you for the accuracy of your comment.
PB&J slander will not be tolerated.
I don’t think eggs are sad? They are easy, nutritious, and you can cook them a million ways. Breakfast tacos for dinner? Yes please
I’ve made scrambled eggs with cheese, black beans, salsa, and avocado every day for dinner this week and it might be the best thing I’ve cooked all month. PGP?
Thanks guys. Now I know what I’m doing for dinner.
Remember “What’s For Dinner?” Well I do, and I miss it. **sigh**
3 glasses of jack with a chaser shot of tears… again.
I member…
I don’t care what Duda days, you can never go wrong with Brinner
You got brinner? Daaaaaamn Turkledawg
You forgot bagel.
your anti bagel rhetoric is concerning
You’re coming out guns blazing this week Joe Rogan Jr
Frozen pizza for 1?
Popcorn for dinner is an overly regular thing for me. Oops
what’s more olivia pope than microwave popcorn and a glass of red wine?
God I thought I was the only one
Well it’s good that you’re having some SIZZLIN FAJITAS with the rest of the PGP Columbus-ites tonight
“I legitimately feel sorry for people who can’t get their fajitas and margs at El Tiempo,” thought 19th Hole upon reading this, probably.
You’re right
……….i ate mac and cheese for dinner last night and I’m trying to decide if I feel too ashamed to eat the leftovers for lunch now.
What’s shameful is having leftovers. Man up and eat the whole box.
Acknowledged. I pre-gamed dinner too hard.
Kraft mac&cheese? Are you 5? Grow up and buy Annie’s like a fucking adult
Kraft with some Frank’s tossed in there? GAME OVER.
That’s suprisingly off-brand for you and your boujee-ass palate
Velvety shells and cheese is the only way to go. Maybe white cheddar to class it up a little.
Velveeta*
Try velveeta shells with a can of Rotel tomatoes and jalapeños mixed in
Velveeta is trash. If you haven’t tried kraft deluxe you’re missing out. Annie’s still takes the cake. I pretend it’s not unhealthy because it’s organic and tastes delicious.
It’s the dive bar old faithful you go to when you just need to unwind and hate yourself a little bit.
pro tip: cook a ton of chicken on Sunday to heat up in the microwave each night of the week.Or get a crockpot so it cooks your food while you’re at work all day
Rotisserie chickens, homegirl
Thank me later
I’m way too lazy to carve up a rotisserie chicken most nights.
Rip that shit apart with your hands, don’t be a nerd
rotisserie chickens are reserved for getting in late after a vacation when i’ve been eating for a week and feel too fat to actually want popeyes
Yea and then you get hungry Thursday and eat Friday’s food. Not that I have done this…every week…
What about a spoonful of peanut butter straight from the jar? It’s vegan, gluten free, inexpensive, and a choking hazard!