======= ======= ====== ====== ====== ===== ==== ====== ====== ===== ==== ======= ======= ====== ====== ====== ===== ==== ====== ====== ===== ====
Welcome to the PGP Mailbag, wherein I will answer questions from you, our readers. Send your questions to dillon@grandex.co. All topics welcome.
Hey Dillon,
Enjoy and appreciate the weekly advice. Two-pronged question for you on weddings. Some of the boys and I have been debating this; what’s the threshold on acceptable plus-ones to weddings? Long-term girlfriends/spouses/fiancées only, or is there a little more leeway? Also – what’s the rule of thumb for how long you should be seeing somebody before it’s ok to bring them as your plus-one? I said a month as the absolute bare-minimum, and that’s provided the RSVP even comes that late in the game. Thanks!
Good, relatable couple questions here. The general rule is if the couple shows longterm viability, throw a plus one at them. Length of time they’ve been a couple matters, but it’s not the end-all, be-all litmus test. If you think the plus one will likely in attendance at the next few gatherings with your friends, like a pool party or night on the town or bris, then they should probs be invited.
But if your buddy Tanner is the type to bounce from fling to fling, his date Tiffany shouldn’t be there for your big day. Because she’ll be in pics and in your memory bank from that night, and, frankly, Tiffany doesn’t belong — I don’t care how great her tits looked that night.
The answer to your second question is basically the same as the first one. Is she just someone you’re having fun with at the moment, or do you two have longterm potential? Leave Tiff at home.
Hey Dillon,
I’ve got one that maybe you can relate to with your new lifestyle in the cut. The city I live in doesn’t lend itself to dating apps as you can swipe everyone in a few days. That said I’m more on bars and trying to find activities to meet people. Do you have a go-to activity in a busy schedule with work/gym/cooking/etc? Do you ever hit the bars and things solo if the guys are busy? Also curious as to the types of bars you hit/the vibe you try to give off.
I don’t have a go-to activity for trying to meet people. This sounds really lame and self-indulgent, but I’m too busy for extracurriculars at this moment in my life. Between work, exercising, and spending time with The Homie, I just try to squeeze in some TV time here and there when I can. Plus I’m lowkey dating someone now who is a handful and gets a lot of my weekend time.
I can’t fathom going to a bar alone, so no, I will never do that. When I do go out, I prefer a nice dinner with drinks and maybe a drink at a nearby bar afterward. I’ve been going out too much, actually. Might dial it down.
Hey Dillon,
I’ve recently started sitting on my boss’s desk when he asks me to come over to talk about a project. Either that or leaning on the cabinet behind him. Any other subtle power moves you can recommend me trying out to amuse myself?
Damn, sitting on your boss’s desk in front of his face is a POWER move. The balls on this guy. Maybe McGannon can chime in here. He’s the power move guy.
Maybe do some air golf swings or air free throws as he’s talking to you. Oh wait, you should definitely cross him over with an invisible basketball as you pass him in the hallway. Or juke him with an invisible football. Or try to hand off the invisible football to him.
And yes I realize all my power moves are sports related.
Hi Dillon,
So week after week I read your mailbag and there are constantly questions about relationships and you always seem to have pretty solid advice. So here it goes:
My boyfriend and I met on a dating app in the beginning of 2016 and we made things official the following fall, which means we’re coming up on a year. This relationship has very high highs and very low lows. I don’t want to sit here and act like I don’t have my own character flaws, because I know that I do, but when things are bad my boyfriend is just flat out mean. I’ve never been in a relationship where name calling was fair game during a fight. I guess that’s just not my style of fighting so I’m always taken back when he resorts to it. I’m starting to think he may also have narcissistic personality disorder or may be depressed because he’ll randomly tell me that he’s unhappy and there is nothing that I can do to make him happy because I’m just not good enough and he deserves better. But then 30 seconds later he tells me how happy he is that I’m his girlfriend and how he always wants me in his life. It leaves me feeling hurt and confused.
So my question is: Do I stay and try to work on things? He gets defensive if I try to talk to him about his character flaws, no matter which way I approach them. I really do feel like I love him, but I’m actually starting to question myself and wonder if I’m just not good enough.
P.S.
Totally unrelated but you give me major Coach Taylor vibes. I dig it.
This is tough. Name calling and saying you’re not good enough for him are things no one should deal with in a relationship. I know it’s not that simple, though. You love him so it’s not easy to turn your back on him.
It does sound like he’s a little off balance, though. I don’t have a great answer for this one but maybe have a serious discussion with him, express your concern for his erratic emotions and mood swings, and suggest he talk to a professional to see what’s going on there. I really don’t know. Hopefully someone else has a better answer.
P.S. WHAT A COMPLIMENT
Hi Dillon,
I’ve recently been hooking up with a very good friend of mine and we have never had any sexual tension before since he’s been in a long term relationship for the majority of our friendship. (The relationship is long over and 100% he’s over it). I’m the only girl he’s been getting with for a while now but he still treats me the same as he always has (like a ~friend~) and we have not once talked about this situation. Ever. But if he’s only getting with me and we really make each other laugh and get along – isn’t that basically what people in a relationship do? Am I deep in the friend zone? Honestly have no idea I’m very confused.
Liz
So he’s getting sex from you while treating you like a friend and you need clarity on what’s going on between you two and where the relationship is going — yet you haven’t talked to him about it. Uh, why not? Yeah that’s what people in a relationship do but as long as this is all happening on the foundation of a friendship, then you’re in a friends with benefits situation.
Just talk to him about it. It’s really that simple.
Dillon,
I have been reading postgrad problems for a little over a year now, and even though I am not a post graduate I am still left with one of the universal paradoxes. For starters, I am a average black male who so happens to be Trump supporter (thought I’d just put that out there) and forgive me for being too mature for my age, but I generally don’t like being at the center of attention at parties (I can’t dance), and I am more of sit-down social type a guy. To cut to the chase it seems that I can find girls, but either they are way out of my league and I know something is up or if they are decent after three or four dates I seem to get annoyed and I start letting out the blatant truth. So what I am asking is “Am I being too picky or I have I just not found a girl that I’d want to be in a relationship with?”
I’ve never understood why people ask “am I being too picky?” How could anyone ever be too picky when it comes to committing themselves to someone? No. Hell no you’re not being too picky. If there’s one thing you’re supposed to be picky about, it’s your significant other.
What’s the “blatant truth” you mention? That you support Trump? That you’re not a partier? That, even though you’re black, you can’t dance? I’m laughing over here because I don’t even know what these have to do with your question. These things barely even begin to describe who you are as a person so they don’t really matter very much. You’ll find someone who digs you for you eventually, so don’t settle..
The more questions I receive, the better this series is going to be, so send me your Mailbag questions to dillon@grandex.co and please put “Mailbag” in the subject line.
Respond
Dillon Cheverere
Dillon Cheverere is the Vice President of Media for Grandex, Inc. Email: dillon@grandex.co
@dcheverere
@dcheverere
RogerJDorn
@powermovesguy throw a foot up on his desk and deeply stretch your hamstrings while saying “Sorry, leg day was a bitch this morning.”
Big shouts to the bros who throw me a plus one even though they know I’m not dating anybody. Just asked a 20 year old bumble chick who’s interests include “Burnetts and Crystal light packets,” to come with me to my buddy’s wedding. I’m excited to see how pissed his fiancée is when she learns of it.
With those interests she sounds like an absolute garbage can of a human. I’m sure you’ll be happy together
I can’t attest to her being a garbage can, but I’d imagine she’s been referred to as a certain type of “dumpster”
She is 20. Who among us can judge that combination.
sup
To the girl with the mean boyfriend: Healthy relationships do not involve putting each other down, no matter his emotional state at the time of the statement. It is NOT ok for him to hint that you’re not good enough, even if he changes his mind later. This is controlling and emotionally abusive and I promise you it only gets worse the longer you stay. As much as it hurts now to leave, do your future mental well being a favor and get out. There are plenty of kind, well-adjusted (and still attractive!) fish in the sea.
Run away! Problems like this don’t improve with time.
Yeah I agree with everyone on this thread thingy. You should probably just kill him so you prevent him from doing this to someone else and run the risk of reproducing yet another mediocre specimen with the same problems
Seriously, listen to Desk Job. Whatever this guy has going on (Major Depressive Disorder, Narcissistic Personality Disorder, whatever it is), it’s not something you owe it to him to fix, even if you could. This is something he has to deal with, hopefully with the help of a licensed professional. You deserve better than to be treated like that, because everyone deserves to be treated better than that.
Agreed. This guy is a massive douche.
In my experience, once the name calling and low blows start, they do not stop. When you’re in an angry state, you’re not thinking clearly and your instinct is to hurt the other person — and it sounds like he’s angry a lot. He’s figured out how to hurt you and he’s not going to unlearn that. Get out ASAP.
I think I know this guy and yes you should end the relationship/his existence
This guy sounds like he has low self esteem and needs to be kicked in the balls. Leave him before you waste any more time being with someone so terrible.
“…forgive me for being too mature for my age.” I hate this guy already.
Also, blurting out the blatant truth doesn’t mean you ‘keep it real’, it just means you’re probably an ass and need to work on your social skills.
Anyone who starts any sentence with “excuse me for being ____” should just go ahead and finish the sentence with “a douche”
He’s just showing that he doesn’t know what maturity actually means. Maturity is the ability to understand the consequences of one’s actions and act accordingly. It has nothing to do with giggling at a fart joke. The phrase he’s looking for is “stick in the mud.”
If you feel the need to describe yourself as mature you probably aren’t
Given our generation’s tumultuous times, it wouldn’t hurt to be the first person to bring a psychic divorce lawyer as your plus one to a friend’s wedding because math and statistics and stuff
This is dark and I like it. My best friend told me at his wedding two weeks ago “I’m not too worried about how this all works out. Statistically speaking I’m going to have at least one more of these so I can always do better then”
Haha I mean, if someone approached me with a business venture that had a 60% failure rate, would I invest my time and money into it?
Technically the divorce rate for, say, college-educated people over 25 years old getting married the first time is way less than 60%; 60% is when you include the 19y/os, the people getting married for the 5th time, the meth heads and juggalos, etc etc etc. Statistics.
The juggalo population segment probably has one of the highest marital retention rates due to the fact that they are a tight knit group and can’t find anyone else as fucked up as them which is why they stay together plus have you ever tried to paint your own face without a mirror while being homeless? It’s hard (I assume)
Comment of the year.
What’s the failure rate for educated married couples over 25 with the rest of the variables segmented out?
To the young lady with the boyfriend who is straight mean during arguments, this is mentally abusive and should not be put up with. If he’s unwilling to have a serious conversation about it, then it’s time to leave. You don’t belittle or verbally hurt the person you love.
To the young lady confused about the relationship status with her friend: yep sounds like you do relationship stuff but unless y’all have a conversation about the status of your relationship then you are still just a friend. I would make sure to talk to him to get clarity. I’m guessing you haven’t brought it up because you’re worried he will tell you he just wants to keep it a FWB thing and you probably want more. When in a casual sexual relationship with anyone it’s still important to make sure everyone involved is on the same page.
“I’m lowkey dating someone” – not so lowkey anymore but congrats on the sex, Dill
I feel like almost all of the relationship question on this series can just be fixed by talking to your so.
A lot of the time, this is easier said than done.
Talking just…..sucks
The RSVPs for my wedding are starting to come in from my guests. And so are the “why didn’t I a get a plus one?” calls. Space is usually a limiting factor, or at least it was for us. We put a hard limit of married, engaged, or have been dating for at least 2 years because we literally don’t have space for more. In the invitations, we specifically wrote “__ of 1” in the accept box to let them know their date cannot come. We made sure they have at least 2 or 3 friends they also know at the wedding so they’re not sitting alone, but I am not going to cut a good friend from my guest list so someone’s recent gf/bf can be there.
I’m sorry friend from college who now lives out of state who’s had a gf for the last 6 months. I’d love to meet her, but my wedding is not the place to do so.
I’m sorry high school friend who’s had a new bf for the last 4 months. You haven’t even filed the divorce papers for the husband you’ve recently separated from.
Props for making it super clear on the invite that their plus one isn’t included. It sucks as the guest when it’s not clear and you have to ask the uncomfortable question.
I actually had enough room on my guest list to allow nearly all of my single friend’s and my fiance’s single friends a plus one to our wedding. At the time I was super proud of that fact and felt like I was being so nice and accommodating to consider that a lot of people don’t like to attend weddings by themselves and I at least gave them the option of bringing a date. However, now that the wedding has passed, I can’t help but regret that decision a little. My parents spent a few extra hundred they didn’t need to letting some randoms get drunk on their dime all night. Not to mention a girl who came as the date of one of my fiance’s degenerate friends (who I’d never met and have not seen or heard about since) caught my bouquet. I just think weddings are better left to people who actually care about the bride and groom.
I had a high school friend get married recently and I did not get a plus one for my live in boyfriend of 4 years. While I was bummed and his feelings were hurt, I understood the restrictions and had fun with my high school friends.
If you’re gonna plus one that RSVP, make sure the couple gave you that option. Source: My wife got suuuuper pissed when my degenerate friends added a plus one, because “we only invited your friend.”
Legitimately did not know that was a thing, so I thought I’d share with the group.
I’ve been noticing that invitations increasingly ask if you’re bringing a plus one to avoid this problem. Also, depending on the size of the family, there may not be enough room for everyone to bring a plus one, unless you’re in a serious relationship.
A lot of my wife’s shady friends were pissed we didn’t invite them with a plus one, but they were not dating anyone, would have to scrounge for a date, and we invited 225 people to a room with a max capacity of 200. Sorry girls.