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Let this be a lesson to all of you. I hope none of you are walking around today thinking that hard work, preparation and confidence will ever pay off. It’s important that you understand that the man or woman who holds the purse strings at your company will never let you get your fair share. Instead, he or she will tell you kindly fuck yourself right out of their office and get back to your keyboard.
Here’s why I have such a nihilistic view of the world today. I asked my boss for a raise and got shut the fuck down. The following is a list of clichés I heard come out of my boss’s mouth after I showed him that I’m making 14% less than the average person with my level of experience in my market:
“Do these numbers take into account all your perks and benefits?”
“I have people coming into my office every day asking me for more money”
“If I gave everyone a 14% raise, this company would go bankrupt”
“The company isn’t doing as well most people think.”
“I’ll have to take a look at these numbers and get back to you.”
Shaking my damn head. I came in hot this morning too, only to get hit with a litany of clichés. I woke up early, squealed my car into the parking lot and walked in rehearsing my lines in my head. I strolled into his office with a casual knock on his open door and asked him if he had a second to chat. After exchanging pleasantries, I explained to him why I didn’t feel the 3% raise he’d just given me was adequate, and why I felt that I should earn at least the same as the market average. Boy, did that ever not work.
After denying my request to be treated average, he told me that I should have come in and said, “What do I have to do to be able to earn more.” I didn’t express this sentiment to him, but fuck that. Why should I have to do more to earn an average salary? God damn. I have no regrets, but I was really hoping to strut out of work today like I was lugging around a 10” dick.
Anyway, we ended the meeting on mediocre terms and I’m back at my desk right now. Luckily, I’m the only person in my position at the company, so I’m not worried about getting canned. I emailed him my research on average salaries as he requested, and we’ll see what happens..
Respond
Here’s what you do…
*walk into his office again*
“Hey, boss man, you can hold deez”
“Deez?”
“DEEZ NUTZ!”
*DX crotch chop*
*double birds to the entire office*
*burn rubber in the company parking lot*
*profit*
Sounds like someone needs to switch companies
Not drastic enough. He needs to burn the place down.
This guy gets it ^
Milton waddams agrees
“The company isn’t doing as well most people think.”
Sucks he denied your raise, but (assuming he isn’t full of shit) that statement would give me worry.
If you’re the only one at that company filling a specific role start looking around find jobs that will pay you more and either take that job or go to him and say I’ve got this offer I’m gonna take it for the increased pay. You either get the raise at that company or a new company
Back in college I once started a rumor at work I was getting raise, ended up getting one two weeks later
I don’t know why I thought this was so funny
The Pam Halpert method
You probably don’t want advice, and I didn’t hear the whole conversation, but if what you wrote was basically the extent of the conversation than you didn’t do enough to warrant a raise
When asking for a raise successfully you need to do six things:
1. Lay out all of your responsibilities when hired and compare them to the work you are currently doing.
2. Explain how your current work is adding value to the company with metrics and examples to back it up.
3. Present a full explanation of your compensation along with research to show how you are under compensated according to market standard
4. Present a plan of the way in which you will continue to increase value to the company once a raise is given.
5. Provide all of this information in a written proposal along with the compensation you would like to receive.
6. Allow your management time to review your proposal and schedule time to discuss at a later date. Most compensation increases need to approved at multiple levels so this gives your manager time to do this.
At the next meeting, if your manager declines your request then you should ask (like you did) suggestions on what needs to be done to warrant a raise. If they can’t provide any then it’s time to start looking at other opportunities in the market.
Good luck!
Bob, thank you for this.
Pretty much this. If the market is offering more, then move to a new company. If you want to stay where you are, you need to convince your current manager you are worth more due to your accomplishments and responsibilities.
Had the same thing happen last week. Asked for a raise and had him on the hook until he brought up my recent vacation photos and said if I could afford that he didn’t need to pay me more. It’s called saving…
Ultimate dick move.
What an ass
It’s not your boss’s business what you do with your money. If this was the only reason for his denial of your raise, I would say that a conversation with HR is warranted.
ew. reason number 1,546,879 not to connect on social media with bosses.
You’re gonna need to show examples of how you added value bro. This isn’t preschool, no ones gonna hand you money.
The best way to show you deserve a higher salary is to find someone else to give it to you. Luckily, Q1 is the best time to find a new job.
Go back in there tomorrow and tell him you are filing fiscal and economic rape charges against him and the company and to make it more believable in court, add in that he tried to caress your leg or something. Also, make sure that you being this publicly to Twitter and use appropriate hashtags, you know, for marketing purposes, obviously lol