======= ======= ====== ====== ====== ===== ==== ====== ====== ===== ==== ======= ======= ====== ====== ====== ===== ==== ====== ====== ===== ====
It’s hard to believe it, but on top of being in the prime wedding era and at the blooming stages of everyone reproducing, people my age have now been graduated from high school for 10 years. Recently, I got a taste of my first high school reunion by getting dragged to my wife’s 10-year. I imagine these things are a bit easier when they are yours and if you still keep touch with a few of your old high school crowd. My wife grew up in another state four hours away and only talks to one person she graduated with. I found myself asking “Why are we even going to this thing?”
Then I remembered that the only reason anyone ever goes to high school reunions is to size up all of the degenerates you graduated with and inflate your self-confidence when you see how shitty so-and-so looks. Having been subjected to this nonsense, I feel compelled to give the people a couple of tips to surviving one of these events.
Rehearse
You will be making a lot of small talk. Probably too much small talk. If you’re like me and hate doing that, it can get very old, very fast. I had a short blurb about what my company did, my role in said company, and one current event about my me and my wife. Maybe a minute thirty to rattle that off and then I just let them lead the conversation. After all, I was in their territory. It was their job to entertain me. This became increasingly easier to get through as the night got later because, well, alcohol.
Find a Fellow Suffering Soul
While making the rounds with your significant other, you will be introduced to dozens of people who you more than likely have no vested interest in nor any desire to further a relationship with outside of this evening. It is important at this junction to target one person who you meet that you can hit up later in line at the bar. This person should look just as out of place as you and should have an equal disapproval for the current situation. Misery loves company. They key to this is to suffer together and talk about anything you can to fill the time. This puts off the vibe that you are outgoing for having a continued conversation with a complete stranger, and your significant other will appreciate that you are not constantly hovering over them.
Eat Light
You never want to be the guy who makes several trips up to the buffet. Especially not in a social setting where everyone is only there to judge the rest of the crowd. I saw a dude make four trips up there and then have dessert on top of that. Not a good look, chief.
Drink Light
Again, don’t overindulge. You never want to be the person no one knows who’s making an absolute fool out of himself. The attendees will hate you, and your significant other will hate you because you made them look bad. Button up and hold your liquor.
Enable the Nostalgia
Everyone is flying high on the nostalgia at this thing because ultimately, the past is all people have in common at these things. Poke and prod to find out how the person knows your SO. You may hear some interesting stories about your other-half that they may have not divulged to you. This is ammunition that can and will be used in your relationship. All is fair in love and war.
Constantly Compliment
It’s very important to make everyone feel good about themselves at this event because after all, that is why they are there in the first place. Compliment the venue so that the planning committee gets word they did a competent job at selecting a location. Compliment the food for the same reason. Admire that so and so can manage to somehow get a night off after kid #3 was delivered a couple of months ago. Such and such should be praised for the paper they had published recently as part of their doctorate program. It’s all about ass-kissing because when you are driving home, your other half will be very pleased that all of her fellow ’07 graduates think you are “very nice.” And if this whole thing wasn’t to get laid, then what was it all about?.
Respond
@207Cush
“Oh you’re her ex-boyfriend? So was she as dynamite in the sack when she was 17 as she is now?”
Unexpected power move.
Now we just need a 21 power moves you can pull at your 10 year reunion
I just got paid 9k dollar working off my laptop this month. And if you think that’s cool, my divorced friend has twin toddlers and made over 12k her first month. It feels so good making so much money when other people have to work for so much less. Read more here…. www.Jobzon3.com
Step 1. Black out. Remember Nothing.
Step 2. Deal with repercussions at later date.
“I wore my tight pants, ready for the dick measuring contest.”
“…so what do you do?”
Went to boarding school, had a 5-year reunion. Lotta fun was had considering we were all just outta college or in grad school. Plus getting drunk at your high school with your teachers is fun. Not your normal experience, I know.
It could be weirder. My mom taught at my boarding school. Her apartment was connected to our old dorm, so it did give us a great place to get hammered and roam around after the events/bars for our major reunions. But it also meant I was around for practically every reunion until I moved out after college.
I went to a private high school! Our five year reunion was downing wine and “exploring” areas we weren’t allowed in. It was great!!
Power move/dad joke combo: respond to questions about having a kid with, “Wanna hear how I did it?”
“I got in early on a little tech company called Uber…my wife is also into anal”. Anything else and you’re just a boring person. No one really cares so why not make em a little jelly and laugh at the idea of them asking their wife for anal the next night
You could also, you know, just NOT go. Getting dragged to a wedding, or even a party at least makes sense. Can’t imagine how you get roped into going to a SO’s reunion. Really dropping the ball there.