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I’ve never been one to partake in organized pub crawls. Something about putting on a costume or a crazy shirt and forcing camaraderie with a bunch of strangers seemed lame. Even in my early-twenties, I couldn’t stop myself from thinking, “We get it – you drink” when I saw a group of first year account managers in pirate costumes charging into the uptown bar I was previously enjoying. Was it for a good cause? Probably. Could they have just donated 20 bucks and not desperately try to be the center of attention? Uh, yeah.
But that was in the past. Recently, I’ve actually found myself participating in a similar, albeit completely unorganized and unplanned, bar crawl. One that goes against the very essence of who I think I am as a person.
The Douchebag Bar Crawl™
The DBC is a concept created one sunny Sunday morning in Austin, Texas. After a particularly puzzling night out, a group of us sat together at a standard brunch spot downtown. As we recapped the events of the night before, our self-image and understanding of what we stood for slowly changed. A loss of innocence, of sorts. Story by story, we realized our social lives had taken an unexpected turn. We were douchebags that night.
“We went to Kung Fu? After Dogwood?” I…I had no idea. It was my “Oh God Keyser Söze has been sitting in front of me the entire time hasn’t he?” moment. We had just completed the first ever Douchebag Bar Crawl.
We should have made the connection sooner. Actually, it never should have happened in the first place, but we were naive to the threat. Parlor & Yard. Dogwood. Steampunk. And again, Kung FUCKING Fu. This isn’t us.This certainly isn’t me. It was like some unseen force was guiding our bar decisions throughout the night. It’s not that these bars are inherently bad, but when attended one after the other, a theme will begin to develop for the night. That theme is ‘douche.’
You see, a DBC occurs when you attend three or more consecutive bars that have the reputation of being frequented by douchebags. It’s a night that, upon review, should make you cringe and face your new existential crisis. Think large crowds, expensive drinks, Chainsmokers and bottle service. That about sums it up. You might be asking yourself, what is a douchebag in 2017? Great question, but I’m not here to define it. Everyone has a different interpretation of the word. To some, it’s the worst thing you can be described as. To others, it’s a badge of honor.
Personally, I believe we all have some level of douche inside. It’s all about owning it. Bachelor party in Las Vegas? You’re going full Pitbull, and there’s nothing wrong with it. Fishing trip on the coast? It’s James Taylor and Buffett all day. Time and place, my friend. Some say that secretly, we all need to blow off some steam with a DBC. Hell, I’ve seen even the most loyal dive bar only guys get sucked into the vortex of a DBC. But my job isn’t to tell you what’s right or wrong, or douche or not douche. I’m just here to map out DBCs all across the country, with your help of course. In the coming weeks, you’ll see user submitted The Douchebag Bar Crawls™ published on this site and broken down by our in-house staff. This is a public service you’re not going to get anywhere else, folks. Let’s make it happen..
Would you like to submit a Douchebag Bar Crawl for your hometown? Email Dave.
Image via Shutterstock
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Dave
Lawyer. Writer. Dude doing business. I'm the meatloaf guy from tv.
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david@grandex.co
“What is a douchebag in 2017?”
Fuckboy haircut with excess gel, bedazzled (or whatever) jeans, overly tight polo button down which is for sure untucked, stud earrings, double fists RBV’s, calls everyone bro, and who loves the chainsmokers
What is a RBV?
For being an analyst, you didn’t analyze that acronym much
Redbull Vodka. If you’ve made it this far and managed to avoid it, don’t start now.
The Boston douchebag crawl should happen after the CFA for us finance bros who don’t have weekends off. I’ll buy every single person attending a dollar beer at coogans, as long as we’re out of that shithole by 5PM and on to Hong Kong for mystery meat and karaoke.
Dude, you’re in Boston too? Hell yeah. The Coogs is where I make my worst life decisions. I’ll buy the next round
Can confirm. $1 bud lights are a sneaky cause to bad decisions (and walking in with black eyes the following Monday)
Any chance we can make a stop at Ned’s?
If I’m going to pretend I’m 22 we’re absolutely going to Ned’s. Who’s going to spearhead this
I’ll be a fake 22 year old, 29 year old. I don’t give a fuck about much anymore. Do you guys have email? Is that even a thing anymore? How about Slack? Perhaps Jabber? Cell phones? Idk anything anymore
Real life 22 year old here- Can confirm Ned’s is a must. I also end up at Coogan’s far more often than I’d like to admit.
You’re ducking coming with, guy!
Don’t forget Bell in Hand…
Also, I think that mystery meat at Hong Kong is probably most definitely rat meat that they trap near the dumpsters in that side alley but either way it’s got terryaki sauce on it so meat is meat after 2:00 am
It’s 100% rat. And it’s delicious. Those rats exclusively eat high-end north end Italian food.
Happy to have 11 days to change my test location
Changing mine now, Boston here we come
Whats funny is this could be about Houston and it would be the same. Oh you went to Kung fu AND Dogwood?? Granted I do find myself at those places quite a bit unplanned.
Man. Just the thought of spending time in either one of those bars makes me cringe. Except have you ever seen the guy upstairs at Dogwood that makes everyone stand up and clears out the tables to show off his weird tap dancing performance? Real wild shit. On a more positive note, the best bar in Houston is La Grange (also a great dinner spot)
What’s the vibe at the Marquis and Volcano these days? Asking because I’m old and married but really like LITs.
Volcano is awful these days. Dead as a doornail.
In college my friends and I did, what we called, a shitty bar crawl. We just did a bar crawl with every bar we hated, similar concept.
Houston DBC:
1. Kung Fu
2. Concrete Cowboy
3. Drive drunk to Dogwood in Midtown, because thats what a douchebag would do
4. Shot Bar
5. Gaslamp
6. Was Red Door, but RIP
Cle?
Red Door was always my go to place to take friends visiting town to freak them out. I’ve also met the owner of Gas Lamp, ive never wanted a business to fail so bad in my life
Red Door was a perfect finale for a Houston DBC. Miss it, and I don’t even live there.
I’ve wanted to kick my own ass while waiting in line for Red Door more times than I care to admit. Always convinced myself I was only there for a sociological experiment.
Y’all just tell me when and where I need to be.
STL
1) Molly’s/Mcgurks
2) 360s
3) Wheelhouse
4) Talanyas
Replace Molly’s and McGurk’s with Mandarin Lounge or Bar Napoli and you have one hell of a DBC. As a Soulard regular I just can’t bring myself to accept that either of those bars might belong on this list.
Bar Napoli is the absolute worst
Yeah I’m at McGurks way too much to stand by it being part of the DBC, even if that’s just self-delusion
Eh I’d keep Talaynas and any Soulard bars off that list. If you want the pinnacle of douche at 3am it’s either Wheelhouse or anything at BPV
Alright, I can do D.C. Dupont: Mad Hatter, Kabin, Heist, Decades, Eden, circle back to Camelot once you’re blacked out. I did the first three one night and still look back in it with shame.
Need the admo and U St versions now
In no particular order: Lost Society, Hawthore, Brixton, Masa 14, Policy and El Rey
El Rey is more yuppie than douchebag. I’d replace that with Codmother.
Also a Dupont douchebag bars list that doesn’t have Sign of the Whale is an incomplete Dupont douchebag bar list.
Name checks out
That picture of those bars brought back so many memories, blood pressure immediately spiked
Now this is something I can definitely get pumped for