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When I was growing up, my parents did a good job of making sure I had the freedom to be who I wanted to be, while also making sure that I didn’t go completely off the rails. This can be seen through any #tbt picture I’ve ever posted. I did everything from playing football to joining show choir to starting a pop-punk/emo band, my parents were right there behind me cheering me on.
That’s not to say they treated me like a delicate flower that could break in half at any point. They kept me on track. I didn’t realize it then, but there were certain things that had always been in the picture, no matter how subtle. My dad taking me to University of Illinois basketball games and showing me the campus, to make sure that college was always in my mind. Mom pushing me to talk to neighbors before I left for college so that I can develop some building blocks of networking. Whether they intended to or not, little things like that had a pretty strong effect on shaping my life.
The only thing that’s grown less and less subtle over the years is the push for grandkids, or kids from my perspective. And that makes sense. It’s not an uncommon thing for parents to want their kids to have kids. Let me be clear, it’s not that my parents are hounding me on this, but that doesn’t mean that it hasn’t come up. I wouldn’t know personally, but there seems to be so much love and joy that comes from raising children. It can be the quintessential human experience, something that can never be matched.
I’ve tried to get behind the idea. For so long, I’ve tried to take time to picture myself with kids, sitting at the head of the table while Luke and Skye tell me about how they learned some shit about cows that day. Do kids even learn about farm animals? I honestly don’t know, I’ve been so far removed from the education system in this country for so long.
But no matter how hard I try, no matter how much I smile and nod along when I hear about the excitement that comes with my cousins starting families, nothing materializes inside me. I don’t get excited at the thought of raising a son. No matter how many times I get asked, “When are you going to settle down and start a family?” at holidays, I don’t feel pressured to. I’ve been this way for as long as I can remember, and it’s remained constant inside me no matter how many times my surroundings have changed.
What sucks about all of this is that I don’t think I could ever straight up give an answer as to why. “I’ve just never wanted children,” doesn’t seem to be good enough anymore. Sure, I could blame it on my maturity level. “Want to know why I don’t think about having children? Check here, or here, or, shit, even just look here.” I’m basically still a child myself, naïve and stupid, floating through life trying to figure my shit out.
Even then, maturity level can be a cop out. “You’re only 24. Give it a few more years and you’ll understand.” Sure. Maybe that’s true. Maybe I’ll give it a few more years, meet someone I love and care about, and we can start a family with 2.5 kids and a golden retriever in the suburbs.
But even if I do meet someone, that doesn’t take away from the fact that I worry about literally everything. When I see someone walking with their child in a stroller, I don’t think “adorable.” I think “fragile.” When I walk past an elementary school on the way to the train station, I’m not seeing the kids running around playing with each other. I see the kid by himself in the corner. When I hear about how much love is inside the household of new parents, I automatically think of my friends who despise theirs.
That’s what I’m afraid of. What if I’m a shitty parent? What if I’m not able to get my shit together and I end up fucking up my child’s life? What if my kid gets bullied? What if he is the bully? Would I be able to handle that? I don’t think I would.
Sure, it may be selfish to be thinking like this. For every time that any of those situations have happened, there are thousands of others where they don’t. That said, there are just some people in this world that shouldn’t be having kids. And right now, I think I fall into that grouping. .
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Charlie
Using sarcasm as a defense mechanism since 1993. At any given moment I'm either tired, drunk, or stressed out. Get at me at charliepgp@gmail.com or whatever.
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You’re a dude. You’re not supposed to want kids until your wife pulls the goalie without REALLY telling you and casually drops the “I’m pregnant” bomb while you’re half-drunkenly brushing your teeth one Saturday night and you have the biggest scaries case of all time all night and for the next nine months. Then the kid is born, the next 3 months are pure Hell, the three months after that are only terrible, and sometime around 6 months it turns into “this ain’t so bad.”
I don’t think that helped.
Sounds like someone is speaking from experience
Can confirm. Currently in the 3 months of pure hell.
Congrats. I’ll be back there in a month or two.
It takes a lot to say this, Charlie. I get asked the question all the time, “then what will your life consist of” and I always tell people whatever I want it to. Having kids doesn’t define who you are as a person and certainly doesn’t define your life. I think I fall into the ‘too selfish’ for kids category. Aside from the lifelong commitment that comes with the decision to have kids, there is also a HUGE financial investment. I want to be able to experience everything the world has to offer and honestly, if I’m raising two kids that just lessens what I would be able to do. Like you said, maybe when I meet someone and settle down in a few years this might change. For now though, I’m fine with eventually being the “cool” uncle.
I always feel bad when I tell people this, it’s good to know other people fall into this category too!
sup?
I’m less worried about your childless plans and more worried about you and Lizzie
Who pressures a 24 year old to settle down and have a family?
Older coworker who got married at 24 and had their first kid at age 26
“Hey kid, make the same mistakes I made.” – Your coworker
My coworkers: “Have your kids early, it’s way better!” Me: Umm no I really don’t think it is and why are we talking about this? Them: “You should have a baby and join our young mothers with babies club!” Me: I am only 24 and seriously I would rather die.
THIS, all of this. Also the idea of some alien like thing growing inside me sounds like the absolute worst experience.
And kiss any fun vacations goodbye for 18 years. It would be nothing but a 14 hour drive to the beach to save on plane tickets and being back in the room by 9 to put everyone to bed. No way am I selfless enough to be a parent.
The whole “being a hormonal psycho” is what puts me off from the whole idea. Plus the no drinking, sushi, etc. Not down. At least, not yet.
I told my office gossip that my wife and I are unable to have children, because I was tired of being asked daily why we don’t have kids. She told the whole office and no one has mentioned it since.
I got into an argument with a 9-year-old (who wasn’t mine) at the grocery last week. Not my finest moment (nor my worst), but it confirmed that I’m probably perpetually too immature to ever be in charge of someone else’s life. (Even if he is a rude little sweatpants-wearing turdlet named Ronald.) I am ok with this.
Have all those fears and stuff but my biggest is that I’ll mess my future kid up so much that the world gets cursed with another Johnathon Duda.
Or he’ll be a beta male like Will.
One of the biggest benefits I think having kids will be is raising them to love and hate the same sports teams you do
And the tax breaks
Come on. If you don’t have kids who are you going to project your own failures as an athlete on to?