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I was in a weird place this weekend. I was coming off about three weeks of breaking things off with my latest Brad, and let’s just say mama was a little thirsty. Don’t believe me? Please see the following gems from my Twitter feed this weekend.
Yeah, it’s not great. In hindsight, I should have just gone home after posting these tweets. A smart, responsible, adult woman would have just enjoyed the evening with her friends and called an Uber home when everyone started to disperse from watching the Notre Dame/Duke game. So, was I a smart, responsible, adult woman?
Jesus, why do I even try anymore? NO. No I was not. My (gin soaked) lizard brain took over and it was laser focused on getting me laid. I believe this was partly because I hadn’t hooked up with anyone since Physics Brad, who I really liked, and I wanted to put some (sex) distance between us, and partly because I really enjoy the competitive gamesmanship of one night stands. And let’s be honest- three weeks is peak danger zone where you’ve gotten laid recently enough to remember what it’s like, but not so recently that it feels recently enough.
My friends and I had been out in NW D.C., but I wanted a bar closer to home. I called an Uber not to my house, but to a bar approximately .3 miles from my house in VA. To compound the issue, bars in VA close a full hour before those in D.C. Why? No one knows. I only had 45 minutes to make it from D.C. to VA and order a drink before last call, and another 20 minutes after that to find an appropriate Brad to take back to my apartment to “meet my dogs.” It’s nights like this one that make me wish I was less ambitious and more terrible at achieving goals I set for myself.
I arrived at my favorite Arlington dive bar and carefully scoped out a section of empty bar stools surrounded by two different groups of derpy looking men. A bartender came over to inform me he could only give me one drink before last call, which was just fine with me. I wasn’t looking to get any drunker, just laid.
“Ok,” I reasoned with myself. “It’s not weird that you came to a bar by yourself for 20 minutes. It’s only 1:15 a.m., you’re just not ready to go to sleep yet. You’re an extrovert! You like being around people! THIS IS PERFECTLY FINE.”
Ok, drunk Quinn, methinks thou dost protest too much. However, I decided if I stayed until last call at 1:30 a.m. without seeing any interesting Brads I would take myself home. I truly did mean this. However, literally not even a full minute after I sat down and ordered a drink, I felt a looming presence beside me.
“Hey, is my hat under there?” a tall attractive man who vaguely resembled a thumb asked me.
It turned out that his beanie was hanging on the hook right in front of my bar stool.
“Wow,” he said, turning to me and blinking slowly with a mild slur. “You’re really pretty. Like so pretty.”
Jackpot.
I’ll spare you the details of our conversation because it was literally so painful that even drunk me was bored. I just want to assure you that he really was very attractive- tall, very in shape, shaved head, strong jawline, very thumblike. Just my type. How terrible was the conversation you ask? Here are some of the highlights of the glaring red flags I remember blatantly ignoring:
“I think I’m going to try out for the Redskins next year. I’m 35 now so I feel like I’ve got like three good years left in me physically. They’re the worst team in the league anyway and I was really good when I played, so I feel like I could definitely do it.”
“Oh I didn’t play in college. I actually didn’t go to college. But I was a beast in high school. I was even bigger than I am now. I just like… CRUSHED people.”
“I lived in American Samoa for a while as a kid. No, my dad wasn’t in the military, my parents just sent me to reform school for two years there.”
I wish I was making this up, but I swear to you these are all real things that he said. Clearly this was a bad idea. You know it. I know it. I even knew it then. I remember literally doing a cost benefit analysis with my drunk self about whether or not getting laid was really worth this much terribleness in one person.
Unfortunately, I have the curse of eternal optimism. It sounds great in theory, but really what it means is that I lie to myself with positive platitudes when I know something will be terrible in an effort to justify it or make myself feel better about it. I really wanted to believe that an attractive, fit, older guy had to have something going for him (also I was real thirsty), so like an idiot I took him home..
Image via Shutterstock
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Quinn Truflais
Formerly known as Queen of The Garbage People. Functional title still stands. Dog owner, whiskey drinker, Star Wars fangirl. #DoingItForTheContent QuinnTruflais@gmail.com
@QuinnTruflais
What an insightful and thought provoking column.
Let me direct you to the latest TGDAG.
Comparing the years long and most popular series on this to an article about Quinn getting banged again. Yeah ok bud
It’s purely generating clicks at this point. If you think it’s still the “most popular” then I bet you think Duda believes in wearing rubbers. Or maybe you’re simply that gullible, I don’t know your life.
Duda loves rubbers. Trust.
It’s one of his worst qualities
I mean it has the most upvotes and comments every week. Some might call that popular
People on here apparently get upset at “sexist” comments and yet this crap gets published?
As does Duda’s articles talking about finger blasting college girls and then smelling his finger afterward. I don’t see the problem?
I thought that article and this one were both pretty shitty, truthfully.
No offense to Quinn, but I had her writings and the words “double” and “standard” in my head as I scanned and abstained from last week’s comment crisis.
She isn’t creating the double standard on the sex talk. Writing about getting with Brads on the weekends and The Bachelor (extremely sexual show) have been her bread and butter. But yeah, she decides what gets published and what doesn’t. Oh and what is allowed in the comment section.
If you’d have read what I actually wrote, right above this actually, you’d see it wasn’t a knock on Quinn actually. All that salt’s gonna crank your blood pressure up.
That was the funniest thing I’ve read on PGP in a long time.
Duda doesn’t write articles blaming inherent white-male bias for reasons he got let go. Funny article though. Sleep with all the men you can because women in the Middle East and Central Africa can’t!
Finger blasting is an under utilized term. Thanks for the reminder.
It’s a clear and concise recounting that’s amusingly self-depreacating without being obliviously boastful. What else could you reasonably ask for?
I personally don’t think that pursuing casual sex is antithetical to supporting women’s rights- I think it’s actually very compatible. And I’m not really sure why it’s sexist? I think two consenting adults should be able to get laid whenever they want with whoever they want regardless of gender. I made a dumb drunk decision, he made a drunk dumb decision. Sexism doesn’t really enter into the equation. That’s all I’m going to say about it because I don’t think we need another 160 something comment section. 🙂
Crap may not have been the best word to use because I do enjoy your articles and fully support your right to do whatever and whoever you want.
My comment was more in jest at the site itself because I found it pretty hypocritical that a few days after some of the editors decided to go all Social Justice Warrior Feminist, an piece was published overtly portraying men as big, dumb and only good for sex, and that reeks of a double standard.
I don’t think that’s what she’s saying at all. She clearly said that she only had 20 minutes to find a guy and then literally took home the first guy that talked to her. A guy that’s obviously on her same level of drunk and wanting to get laid. That’s not portraying the guy any worse than she’s portraying herself.
I’ve been away from the site from a couple weeks (too busy at work). Can someone give me a summary of what happened last week? Preesh
The problem is that it’s all you write about. The vast majority of female writers on this site just write about their drunk hook ups …..
B-b-butt muh patriarchy.
You’re coming around nicely, we’ll make a cucksader out of you yet and we’ll slay the proverbial dragon of sexism together.
Exactly. Again, fuck you Dave.
Triggered.
The only person who gets upset about articles here is Will.
Congrats on the lousy sex.
-Ruxin
At this point – I don’t feel like these sexaventures of Quinn merit a congrats.
I wish he would’ve just told you he was Kirk Cousins and hoped you bought it.
YOU LIKE THAT?
You’ll regret this when he signs with the ‘skins!’
is saying someone looks like a “thumb” a thing? cleveland is behind the times, so i’m not up to date on my lingo.
This man is an insult to thumbs everywhere.
You know she wrote toe, but Will took it out cause it’s in the sock family.
At least he had two legs?
RIP Physics Brad, we hardly knew thee.
Which Dive Bar in Arlington are we talking about…A Town?
Carpool. It’s closing next month so I guess I wanted to give it one last send off…?
Carpool isn’t a dive bar, or have really changed since the last time I went out in Arlington?
I think I wouldn’t qualify it as a dive bar for DC, but probably Arlington. When you’re comparing it to like Don Titos and A Town and Spider Kelly’s etc. it’s definitely got that more chill/homey/laid back vibe. Either way I am devastated it’s closing. 🙁
Don Titos and A Town is where scummy people go
RIP Carpool
Carpool was one of the first bars I went home with a guy from when I moved to DC, before I restricted my dating pool to the better side of the Potomac… agree with the “dive-y for Arlington” assessment.
Yeah I would say that there are definitely nicer bars in Arlington. The only true “dive bar” I’ve been to since I moved to VA was Jay’s Saloon. Was very sorry to see that close.
Im a regular there that will soon be homeless.
also not a dive bar
I was about to say… the only dive bar in Arlington is LA Bar and Grill.
Nonetheless, something about a 35 year old high school graduate thinking he could play in the NFL screamed Carpool anyway.
Carpool is closing!?
http://www.bizjournals.com/washington/news/2017/02/07/carpool-bar-plans-new-location-as-it-prepares-for.html
:'( The place where I had my first pickleback. It will be missed.
Carpool has been in a state of closing for like 3 years now. Don’t give up hope!
Hasn’t Carpool been “closing” for a year?! I keep doing the “let’s go to Carpool because it’s closing” hangout and it is STILL open. Haha!