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I can vaguely remember a time in my life when Instagram wasn’t something that my friends and I used on a regular basis. If you really think about it for a second, you can probably remember what life was like pre-Instagram. Your parents hadn’t quite figured out how to use Facebook yet which meant people our age were still using it, and unless your name was Lil’ Wayne and you were approving million dollar deals from your iPhone, you didn’t have a fucking iPhone. They were simply too expensive at the time.
No, no, this was a much simpler era of sharing photos with friends. Every girl carried a digital camera around with them in their purse, and the second that drinking became involved the party or bar that you used a fake ID to get into turned into a runway in Milan.
These cameras were about the size of an iPhone 4, you usually had to have a memory stick which cost an extra hundred bucks or so, and if you were a guy this was the only real way to prove that you were at Stubby’s party last Saturday.
They’d carry these cameras around and post entire albums of themselves doing the duck face, taking selfies in the bathroom, and showing their legs off in jean skirts from Abercrombie & Fitch. Sidenote: I laugh now about those jean skirts from A&F, but when they were popular, nothing made my pants tighter than those fucking things. The digital camera was how girls let other people know that they were hot online before the dawn of Instagram and Snapchat. If you wanted to look at pictures of hot girls, you had to go searching for Spring Break albums on Facebook and hope for a bunch of bikini shots.
Now we have this:
This type of picture is a daily occurrence for me on Instagram. Look at that girl. Her body is insane, and it’s depressing to say but I know I’ll never see someone in person who is that hot. My Instagram feed is pretty much all tits and ass at this point. Sure, I follow some close friends, acquaintances, and girls who I sort of know and want to have sex with, but for the most part, it’s all Instagram models who sell FitTea and teeth whiteners.
It was never my intention for my personal feed to become what it has, but I see less and less pictures of people I actually know on Instagram every day. I get anxiety pulling up Instagram while I’m on line at the grocery store or at the gym for fear of people seeing it and labeling me some sort of sexual deviant. I’ve considered making a burner account which would literally just be comprised of these “models” but I decided long ago that if someone were to label me a sexual deviant, it wouldn’t exactly be the end of the world.
I mean, I think I’m in the majority when it comes to what twenty-something males look at on Instagram but I could be wrong. Maybe everyone my age is just following cool National Geographic photographers and I’m the only one who thinks about what Kylie Jenner likes to do in bed. But probably not.
And I don’t have an axe to grind with Instagram models. I appreciate what they do because I like to look at butts. It’s kind of my thing. What I really have a problem with is the captioning of these photos. Take a look at that picture posted above again and read the caption.
“What’s your favorite book?”
Are you fucking kidding me, “Sommer”? I put Sommer in quotation marks because there’s no fucking way that girls name is Sommer Ray. It’s too slutty. Too perfect for what she is. That is the most Instagram model-y name ever and there’s just no way she came out of the womb and her mom was like, “Yup. Your name is Sommer and you’re either going to be a stripper or a model for a social media application that doesn’t exist yet.”
“What’s your favorite book?”
That has nothing to do with that picture. Sure, there’s a bookcase out of focus in the background but I wasn’t looking at the bookcase and neither were you. These captions are just dumb and I don’t understand why every Instagram model has trouble with them.
Sommer isn’t the only one.
This one is just as bad. The content of the photo? Delicious. Abigail Ratchford (while also definitely being a fake name) is a fantastic follow on Instagram. Just absolutely stacked. But what is with the caption? What does “Like a rolling stone *bomb emoji*” even mean in this context, Abi?
Tag a dare devil? Who am I going to tag in a picture like that? My friend Sam? If I tagged my friend Sam in that photo you know what he’d do? He’d text me and say something along the lines of “Why the fuck did you tag me in that picture you tool?”
I realize that these girls get paid and the more likes and activity they get on a picture probably affects the amount of money they make. I’m sure it’s all metric based and that’s fine but tag a dare devil?
It sounds like I’m complaining but I’m really not. I’m grateful for these Instagram models and the softcore porn that they post day in and day out for me to devour while I’m taking a shit or slacking off at work. But my God. Can we just start making these captions stuff like “Hey, here’s a picture of my ass oiled up.” Or “This bra is two sizes too small for me. Enjoy!”
The captions on these photos make absolutely no sense. It bothers me to a degree that it probably shouldn’t. Why even bother with a caption if it’s going to something that stupid? Why not just post the picture with a blank caption instead of adding some arbitrary phrase underneath a photo of your bare ass like “do you guys like food?”
I know that none of these wildly successful Instagram models are chemical engineers, rocket scientists, or writers for that matter. They make money off of their looks and captions are a silly fucking thing to be complaining about when you’re talking about women showing off their pierced nipples or butts for the masses. All I’m asking is that they put a little more thought into this shit.
Or maybe I should just stop fucking complaining and enjoy the fact that I can look at an endless amount of tits and ass on my cell phone. .
Respond
jduda@grandex.co
Keep complaining until they let us see nipples
#MakeNipplesGreatAgain
Already great, sry
My fiancé has a few friends from back home that consider themselves “Instagram models”. They are absolutely the most repulsive people I’ve ever been around. The only upside is watching half naked Arizona 9s posing for pictures while I just try to not look like a bloated dead whale in my latest post.
Handles for research?
@castingcouch needs them for recruiting purposes
Girl here.. in response to the “Arizona 9” reference I feel like I need to see a diagram of how some state’s girl hotness rankings relate to other state’s rankings (this could also be done with major cities). Similar to the hot/crazy girl graph. I am a visual person and I need this drawn out. Can I get a PGP intern to do this? So like a Missouri 8 would be an Arizona 6? Or does that ratio drop even lower to like an Arizona 4?
As someone who who went to Mizzou, I can assure you the girls are quality. Not Arizona standards but I wouldn’t put them any more than 2 points behind.
Arizona is the highest. Take off 6 for any Midwest state, 5 for any northeastern state and 4 for any southeast state. Texas you generally take off 4 for any girl, regardless of region (I do have Texas bias). And it’s a general sweep for anyone above the Mason-Dixon you just drop their score by half regardless of what southern state you’re in
in that case i’m like in the negative numbers!
Yeah, this Missouri 5 cringed when she read that.
But whenever I go to Phoenix (never ever by choice) the women all look and behave like they’re stuck in a 2006 time warp? Clearly the coasts have the most attractive people.
If you consider yourself an Instagram Model, you’re not an Instagram Model.
Went to high school with a girl who is getting close to instagram model territory. Sweet girl, but she just posted a pic showcasing her boob with the caption “I’ve got soul but I’m not a soldier”
I’m partially to blame for this and I hate myself for it. I work at a company that does ad placements in instagram model’s posts. I never thought I would say this, but I’m actually sick of looking at hot butts at work. Seriously adding zero value to society (aside from bate material, i guess)
Beans you animal
I hate how much I enjoyed reading this
I take solace in knowing that it’s all downhill from here for them and that being an “instagram model” isn’t a long term career plan.
Also, if you’re not following that Sommer chick on snapchat, you’re not living. Pro tip: do not ever let your lady friend see you open her stories
Thanks for the leads on some new insta models to follow.
Niece Waidhofer is the antidote to this trend. I actually read her posts strictly for the hilarious captions as I am not into interspecies shenanigans at any level.
How do I apply to be an Instagram model caption writer? Not hot enough to be the model.