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For some reason, my friends tend to frequently ask me for advice. Now, it’s not that I don’t appreciate that they seek my counsel and trust my opinion – it’s more that I generally feel like I have no clue what I am doing in my own life, much less do I feel qualified to offer opinions on anyone else’s.
But still, they ask, and I do my best to answer. Which is what happened last week when my friend Danielle asked me for some advice about a guy from Bumble she had been texting with. She hadn’t heard from him in about 48 hours and wanted to shoot him a text. But everyone was telling her that she had to wait for him to text her, because you never want to be the one that texts first. Her relaying of the opinions of others made me think of something I said recently in a column I had written:
Indeed, much like how “who texted first” and “who texted last” are indicators of who is holding all of the cards in relationships, where the control of the conversation matters, so too is “who ended the text conversation.”
Yes, those are words that I actually wrote . But it’s a girl’s prerogative to possibly change her mind and let’s be real honest here: what the fuck do I know? I mean, really? I’m perpetually single (by choice, motherfuckers), so most of my knowledge on this topic comes from listening to my friends regurgitate whatever some random website told them was the answer to all of these great dating mysteries (and yes, I realize the irony of that sentence.) So during this conversation with Danielle, instead of just spouting off what I’ve heard or even written myself, I decided to take it to the people. And by the people, I mean those adorable, fantastic people that are kind enough to follow me on Twitter.
Sure, the sample is only 94 votes…but holy fuck. 72% of dudes say it doesn’t matter who texts first? What the hell kind of lies have we ladies been feeding ourselves? Women have literally dedicated hours and hours, not to mention internet column after internet column, to this. We’ve developed rules and guidelines and theories and it doesn’t matter to THREE-FOURTHS of the male population? WHAT HAVE WE BEEN DOING TO OURSELVES?
Suddenly, I had an A-HA moment: what’s the worst that can happen if I, as the girl, text the guy first? He doesn’t answer me? So what? Because – here it is, my friends – if he doesn’t answer because you texted first, he probably wasn’t ever going to text you anyway.
Holy shit. This must be how Luke felt when he found out Darth Vader was his father. Suddenly, everything was different. I could text the two dudes that are currently in my life (the ex, and another dude that I’m friends with/sleep with on occasion) and say hey whenever the mood struck. I didn’t have to quell the urge to reach out. I could just go with it. And you know what? It was totally fine. In almost all occasions that I texted first, a totally nice, normal conversation ensued.
As for Danielle? Yeah, she texted that guy. And guess what? He answered her…and they chatted all day. And the next. And went on a date this past weekend.
So, ladies, here’s my proposition: how about we toss all of the rules about who texts first and who texts last and all of the other bullshit and just go with one, very easy-to-remember rule: don’t be a psycho. Sure, there is a lot that falls under that umbrella: don’t send ten texts in a row, don’t have a meltdown when you see he read your text, but didn’t answer within 43 seconds – but generally, it’s a pretty basic policy. It’s also one that’s probably just good to follow in all aspects of your life. But the most important part of it? Don’t be the kind of girl that actually sits around and worries if it’s ok to say hi. Because that’s where the real crazy comes in..
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Jenna Crowley
Jenna used to be known as 2NOTBrokeGirls, but then one of the girls actually went broke, so she's struck out on her own. Jenna spends her free time saving the world, one sorority girl at a time (usually while wearing yoga pants), questioning why she decided to get a doctorate, documenting her love of all things cheese related, and hosting the new PGP podcast Don't Take It From Us. You can ask her anything you want about football, using your boobs to get what you want, and pizza at @JennaLCrowley on Twitter or via email at JennaLCrowley@gmail.com.
@JennaLCrowley
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Women, overthinking things since the beginning of time.
Someone has to do the thinking, we know the men aren’t.
Ha! Thinking doesn’t make one smart but hey keep twisting that brain in a pretzel.
And obligatory sup.
You said women over think, I said men don’t think. I don’t know where you read in my comment “thinking doesn’t make one smart”.
And this is what makes the world work, if us guys were thinking as much as women could you imagine the terror that would ensue
I believe NeurotictotheBone would have something to say about that.
What? Sorry couldn’t hear you over the sound of my overanalyzing of that one text I sent to a girl 2 weeks ago.
Check your fucking privilege, bro
Shit. Knew there was something I forgot to do today. Mondays, man.
Here’s another mind bomb for you ladies: sometimes guys don’t know if we should text. We don’t want to seem like we’re being too needy by texting every day, or responding right after we get a text. Why do you think I’ve spent multiple diatribes on the difficulties of texting women. If you text a guy 90% of them will match your pace and respond accordingly as long as you don’t overtext. If he doesn’t, then you’re right he wasn’t going to text you.
You know what the best feeling in dating I ever got was? When, after my first date with my last girlfriend, she texted me the next morning to say she had fun the night before. Women have the power, make no mistake.
^ This. So much this. I just want to keep the natural flow of the conversation pacing, just like in real life.
No kidding. I understand texting can be and usually is intermittent but if there’s a convo going, don’t be the person who stops for like 5 hours if shit’s flowing. If you were on a lunch date and you ask a question, it’d be sort of weird to just sit in silence and then leave and call later in the night and answer.
100% right.
This is some quality advice. It’s actually a turn on for me when the girl will text first. Let’s me know she’s at least semi-interested and takes a lot of the pressure off. Also, if he’s the type of guy who get’s creeped out by you texting first every now and then, is that really somebody you want to waste your time on?
Still chasing the dragon (your ex) that we’ve repeatedly warned you not to, I see
It’s dying out.
Only rule I follow is not to send a triple text. If conversation dies and two don’t get it back, I leave it dead.
I said it before: three texts in a row is doable, but it’s a hail mary move. Four texts? No done.
Fuck the Pats
Let’s not get personal here.
I’m conflicted about the Pats. I want them to win because seeing Goodell’s face when he hands Brady the trophy would be priceless. I also want them to lose because fuck Tom Brady. See my problem?
he can hand it to brady next year, i want my falcons to win it this year
Not really. Tom Brady is the GOAT.
It’s all already predetermined. If a girl I like texts me first then hallelujah she likes me back and I’ll go buy a ring. If a girl i dislike texts me first then she’s desperate and why wouldn’t she be desperate because she sucks.
Similar to the rule of “it’s only creepy if they’re ugly” when it comes to flirting, context will always prevent universal standards of behavior.
Sad, but true.
Another reason I envy the generation our parents grew up in. Think about not needing the feeling of reassurance every couple of hours through a text message.
It’s very freeing to just not give a fuck and text first. I think in most cases I can remember, the guy always ends up texting back.
I’ve never ever understood the “guy has to text first” thing. If you want to talk to someone, just do it. That’s it. If you’re always texting first and feel like they don’t make the effort to reach out ever, then stop, he’s just not that into you. But don’t worry, your other several Bumble matches are. I swear, so many women NEED to up their confidence. You’re good enough and any guy with a brain would definitely crack a smile if your name popped up on his phone.
Sup, Jackie
*finger guns*