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Group dynamics are a strange and unpredictable beast. Ever notice that no matter where you are, there are always the same people? The trouble maker, the idiot, and the bad takes guy just to name a few. In social groups of friends, there’s the dependable one, the flake, the outdoorsman and the glue that keeps it all together and makes sure everyone stays in touch. But what happens when you lose your glue?
Recently a good buddy of mine, Ben, our group’s glue (the one that holds it all together), moved away. It was a long process. He told us about a year in advance that he’d be moving in the near future. He and his girlfriend were going out west for a new chapter in life and to make more money. It’s funny, you don’t really think of things as urgent until they are. I knew the day would come when this became reality, but it seemed so far off that I never really paid attention because my good buddy was always there for me. Until he wasn’t.
I met Ben by chance through another friend of mine. Ever meet someone you instantly click with? Someone that you know you’ll immediately be friends with? That was Ben. They were looking for more people for their hockey team and I was that people. What really sold me was the promise that they drink after every game. It became a ritual and a rite of passage for anyone new joining. It could be 80 degrees or 10 degrees, rain, snow or sunshine, and we’d be out there. The best bonds of friendship are always forged around commonalities.
Ben was truly like the goddamn mayor. Everyone knew him, and he knew everybody. He was the captain of our beer league team and a vocal advocate for local change. The type of guy that if you met him once, he was your friend. He’d open his house and home and was always quick to throw you a beer (the good kind too) along with a plate of food.
You get to be the glue of the group not by delegation but by action. Ben is a mover and a shaker to the core, so he always coordinated our group activities. From pond hockey, to nights at the brew pub, to sitting on his amazing deck with a panoramic view of the city, Ben was one who enjoyed people and people sure enjoyed him. He was the one that always had your back if a beer league fight got out of hand. He’d welcome newcomers to the group and make sure you were always given a seat at the table. We’ve spent many drunken nights together talking about things too real to be talking about under the influence, which is generally the best kind of drunk talk.
As the time for his departure came closer, things became more real. I started to think, “this is the last time we go to X with Ben until he heads out.” Things that were a routine staple seemed to have more gravity and meaning. We expect to always have equilibrium, but life is life. This really goes with anyone these days, but it is especially deep when it’s your group’s glue. It’s no longer the rule but rather the exception that people buy a home and stay there for many years. If it’s any reflection on his character, his going away party had the bar at capacity with people out the door (and of course we got him drunk).
When you lose your group’s glue, there really isn’t a whole lot you can do. This person is irreplaceable, and really the only thing you can do is keep moving and hope people step up to the plate. Our new hockey team captain (who’s another great guy) is keeping Ben’s seat warm as he plans a move back in the next few years. But we’ll see. We’ll be friends for life, and there’s already plans in the works to head out West to visit. All good things come to an end. It is a fact. For every ebb, there is a flow, a yin to a yang and nothing lasts forever (even cold November rain)..
Image via Shutterstock
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Madoff
I specialize in damage control, being the drunkest at any and all functions and social assassination. Always appreciate a strong gif game. Follow me on Twitter. Sometimes I put up cool stuff about golfing at the local dirt tracks.
@BLMInvestment
Damn man. Come back Ben. We need you. I need you.
Pouring one out for Ben.
Like you said, the glue guy is effort. You gotta step up man, I know you’ve got it in you.
Right in the feels
Well written, Madoff. This is the kind of piece that makes you want to give your old buddies from school a call and let them know you’re thinking about them
Lost my lady friends glue in October, now the only female friends I hangout with are the girlfriends of my guy friends. All my good girlfriends live in Texas, it’s been hard for me to make good girlfriends in DC. Only time it sucks is when I want to go out and flirt, my guy friends are cock blocks.
I’m the opposite. All my college guys are scattered around the country and none of the losers in my current (not for long!) city can compare. But I always have some female friends of some type to go out with, it just can be awkard/odd/weird at times.
Sounds like your guy friends are in the friend zone.
Also, please relay this message to your Texas friends: “sup?”
Making friends in DC is hard period. I’ve realized that my friend circle hasn’t increased much since growing up around here and the occasional college friend who moved here. The transient nature of the area doesn’t help either.
I second that, I moved to D.C. 2 years ago while “squad” stayed in Dallas/Houston. Making girl friends in the District is no easy task.
Toasting a beer to Ben tonight
I’ll be your glue guy, Madoff. I swear excessively, I drink heavily, and I will always berate you in public out of love. You may not always like it, but you will be a better person for knowing me… I think…
I have no doubt in my mind, should our paths cross, we’d both be better people, Ruxin.
If you’re ever in Nashville, you can find me at a bar drinking.
I have a hockey tournament (wish I knew last summer, had a wedding there) in July during the same week there’s that big beer festival. Gonna have to hit you up then. You on twitter?
Hit me up on facebook or instagram – nathanmaynard, first round of beers is on me.
My group is in a tough spot right now. The guys half of the group has always been more mellow, while the girls were more of the typical whoo-girls. Recently one of the girls started dating a guy, broke up with him and started dating a new guy in a different group. Now all the girls are hanging with the new guys and all the guys are basically fed up with the girls and don’t want to hang out with them at all.
Bizarre-o World
I’m afraid one breakup in my group will cause this to happen. Hoping I move before that happens or they all just get married.
I feel this. Two key people in my friend group have been dating for three years and they’re either going to have to get married at this point or risk breaking up the friend group.
My group is in our college town while I’m the detached friend 3 and a half hours away surrounded by nerdy engineers.