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Six years ago, I took a Saturday to drive up to Dallas and buy a six week old pure bred blue heeler puppy for $50 off Craigslist. About five months later, I would come to realize he was lying about the pure bred part, but that still remains the best $50 I’ve ever spent. There’s only one monumental downside: No matter where we are, people interpret my dog as sort of gigantic fucking signal that I’m looking for some conversation.
Last week I had to do some laundry while pressed for time, so I headed up to this awesome little laundromat/bar/restaurant where you can also bring your dogs (provided you stay on their covered patio). It was raining that day, so I threw the raincoat (before you judge, getting my dog a raincoat has decreased the number of times I’ve had a soaking wet passenger seat to almost zero) on the ole cow pup and headed up there. As soon as we got there, I noticed a few other people on the patio, and given my dog’s unusual attire, I chose a bench in the corner and buried my nose in my phone, anxiously counting the minutes and praying it would be the over and not the under this time.
“Is that her own raincoat?!” Under. Fuck.
With a cringe, I rolled my eyes up from my phone to search for the perpetrator determined to rob me of my solitude. To no surprise, the culprit is a woman who looks like she’s so accustomed to harassing people with preachy articles stolen off Reddit that she now sees nothing wrong with disturbing the innocence of people IRL. And yet, she also looks like if the roles were reversed, I’d be writhing on the ground clutching my pepper spray doused eyes.
“It is, it helps keep my truck dry” Look straight back down at my phone, maybe she’ll get the hint.
“That’s so cute. I have a chihuahua jack russell mix that I bought a raincoat for and she loves it. She loved it so much we bought her rain boots too and she loves them. She legit splashes in the puddles and plays in the mud.” I’m sure. I’m so sure your dog has the intelligence and awareness to not only see a mud puddle but to think to itself, “shit yeah I’m gonna play in that.”
“That’s adorable. Aren’t our dogs lucky they live at a time of rain outerwear? Excuse me, I think I hear my jeans wrinkling.”
It’s not that I hate people; okay, that’s part of it. But mostly it’s that a good chunk of the day to day of my job consists of insincere surface level conversation, so when I’m not at work I seek silence and aloneness like water in the desert. Hell, that’s half the reason I got the dog in the first place. A companion I could communicate with in ways that don’t involve talking, not so I’d attract people to come molest my silence with their pointless stories about their dogs that I give no fucks about.
There are certain clubs of people that I understand approaching one another with unsolicited conversation. Veterans, bikers, guys with mustaches- it makes sense to be a member of that club, see a fellow member and walk over for a drink and a story. Dog owners? We’ve got to be like 1 in 4, so we’re no more exclusive than the yoga pants club. I get that you love dogs, but love em on the internet, not in my personal space..
Respond
BBisgard45
Golf Pro in B/CS TX trying to trick the PGA into certifying me to give swing advice for a living.
@BrianBisgard
You’re weird. Dog people are supposed to like it when people ask about their dog.
I wouldn’t mind if the people asking and then talking about their dog didn’t refer to them like they were their children. Shit gets too weird
I would have totally talked to you. I would have probably talked to your dog first and asked him about his raincoat. But I also would have stopped after the pleasantries if I could tell you didn’t want to chat.
If you don’t want anyone to talk to you, get a cat and don’t take it places.
But what do you shoot?
Ten bucks says that if it were a cute guy that started talking to her the same way, she would have a completely different reaction.
In her case I’m thinking she would’ve preferred a cute girl (not that there’s anything wrong with that)
Happy Monday to you too
Hogwash. There is a Smokeshow in my neighborhood and the only time I don’t feel like a perv when saying hi to her is when she is out walking the dog. Ultimate ice breaker.
Also, -1 thru 9. Time to drink up and tank it on the back.
She definitely should’ve picked up that you didn’t want to talk but I’d calm down about people not talking to you if you have a dog, asking about the dog is a great icebreaker.
Lying about the pure bred part must be common with blue heeler breeders. Uncle in Washington did it for ages until he got called out.
I asked the guy why he was selling her and he said “my daughter bought it without asking me and I’ll be damned if there’s one more fuckin dog in this house!” There were four not counting the one I was buying when I pulled up, my guess is he lied to get somebody to buy it quicker
Try being 6’8″. I can never go a day out in public without someone asking me how tall I am, or if I play basketball, or telling me about their uncle or brother who is my height and they nearly played college ball etc. etc.
I get similar shit when people find out I’m left handed. “Oh my uncle is left handed too!” Like I’m supposed to know their fucking lefty uncle or something
At least it’s not a visible thing for people to randomly approach you about. Not to mention that I’m terrible with names but people never seem to forget me, so I’m constantly on the defensive with the, “Oh, hey MAN!”‘s because I have no clue who they are.
Mine’s visible only because I work at a golf course and play left handed, so literally any time I pick up a club I get some jackass running over to say “you know what your problem is…you’re standing on the wrong side of the ball!” Once had a guy walk all the way from the clubhouse to the range (about 150 yards) just so he could tell me that.
Harvey washbangers? Gotta love that place
Really surprised they haven’t franchised to more college towns. Their chili is a staple on my winter menu