My Company Party Weekend Broke Me As A Person And I Regret Everything

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Sitting in my bathtub a few minutes ago, I decided that I should go against my instincts and try to look on the bright side of things. My alleged mix of “unyielding pessimism and stunning self-loathing” has actually gotten me pretty far in life, but as I watched the water swirl past my feet and fail to wash away the memories and the shame of the past weekend I thought it was time for a change. Maybe I don’t need to eat until I feel nothing but fullness, then eat until I can’t feel that either. I’m an adult technically. It’s time for me to own up and face this- besides, can’t get any worse than this, right?

Then the hot water ran out and I completely gave up.

I’m writing this now mostly to distract myself from the shameful amount of food I just ordered, but also to serve as a warning to you, fine reader. No, you should *not* play “Slap the Bag” with Fireball, no matter how attractive the girl yelling at you to “take a knee” is. In fact, if you ever see anyone carrying a Fireball box just turn around and leave. You don’t need that kind of temptation in your life. Unfortunately momma ain’t raise no chump, and I feel obliged to rise to every challenge presented to me. Did I make it to a respectable number of “seven” counts? Yes. Did I leave my bed before 1 p.m. today? No.

While I’m still attempting to pull my memories and my life together, I do have a few poor choices that stand out against the more pedestrian mistakes I made:

– Trying that drink my friend “invented” at 1 a.m. was as foolish as it was an obvious trap, especially given the almost complete lack of mixers

– If you start drinking at 4 p.m. for a party at 9 p.m., you’re going to have a bad time

– After a certain point the short term satisfaction of binging on junk food becomes so small as to no longer be worth it. That point is half a pizza and a pint of Ben and Jerry’s

– If you’re worried your shoes might be too nice for a party, you’ve guaranteed that the universe will find a way to destroy them the second you walk in the door

– In the future, check for spilled drinks the second I walk in a door

– If the glasses start to break, there’s an Uber you should take

If there’s any bit of positivity to take away from this weekend, it’s how unbelievably productive I’m going to be at work this week. I’m of the opinion that if you act enough like a real person during work hours, you can distance yourself from the trash you become on the weekend. With the break coming up, it’d be easy to coast; I wouldn’t be alone if I put off projects until the new year or came in a little later this week. Instead, I’ll be in early, blowing though backlogs and generally crushing it until my boss asks what has me so chipper and cheery. And when I look back with a dull smile, hoping the banality will distract from the horrifying emptiness in these eyes which have seen too much, I’ll say:

“Oh, just feeling good.”

Like a liar..

Image via Shutterstock

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Shambles

Shambles can be found either working on new recipes in the kitchen, making decisions that will inevitably give him incredible amounts of anxiety, and generally being a walking contradiction of a person.