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There was a glass of tipped-over water sitting on the ground on her side of the bed that she looked longingly towards while Todd faced the opposite way on his side of the bed, presumably to avoid furthering their argument. She had forgotten to plug her phone in the night before and texted with Caroline despite being at 21% battery.
“Ughhhhhh,” she typed. “I barely even remember how we ended things last night. Can we get smoothies?”
Realizing that she couldn’t remain there any longer, she propped up her down pillow and wiped her face before picking up the tipped-over glass and setting it on her bedside table. She looked over to see if Todd would move given the rustling she had just done. “There’s no way he can sleep through this,” she thought. “No way.”
She could hear Sperry clawing to get out of the cage that sat in the living room. It was the perfect excuse to get out of the apartment with Caroline to recap the night before. Approaching her closet, she pulled out of a pair of Lululemon leggings and a Nike tank top before putting on a pair of Adidas Primeknit shoes. She checked the temperature on her dying phone to see that she would need to put on a pullover, only to grab a Patagonia Better Sweater from the bottom of a pile in her closet.
Todd rolled over and glanced to see what she was doing. He didn’t want to be noticed because he didn’t want to have the same argument again. She heard a rustling and glanced over to see that he was checking the time – 9:20 a.m. – on his phone. Both realized that they couldn’t avoid the confrontation, but Todd spoke first.
“Are you going to Barre?” he asked, obviously needing to clear his throat.
“No,” she snapped back. “Caroline and I are getting smoothies and going shopping with Sperry.”
Todd considered responding but she was shutting the door by the time his hungover head could even come up with something valid to say. He could hear Sperry’s crate getting opened and was relieved he was on the precipice of having the apartment to himself. When the apartment door shut shortly thereafter, he knew he was alone. In peace.
She stood on the corner of Third Street looking around to see if anyone could see Sperry going to the bathroom. The coast looked clear enough to walk away without picking it up, until she heard a voice coming toward her – “Oh, no, not again!”
She turned to see Caroline fast approaching with a canvas bag hung over her shoulder.
“Hahahaha,” she laughed loudly, “Are you fucking kidding me?”
To their surprise, they had dressed identically. To no one else’s surprise, they had dressed identically (especially considering that over fifty percent of their text conversations consisted of product screenshots asking “yes or no?”).
“Well, look at us,” Caroline remarked with a wide smile. “Twinsies.”
“The employees at Press already think we’re a couple,” she responded while hurrying Sperry along from the soiled area. “Now they’re really going to think we’re a couple.”
Approaching the smoothie place a half-block away, Caroline decided to break the ice.
“So, umm, what the fuck happened last night?”
She was wondering from two perspectives: the first being to inquire about what happened with Todd, and the second being that she was drunk enough to not know (in a general sense) what the fuck happened the night before.
“Ugh, I don’t even know if I want to talk about it yet,” she responded. “It’s just like, so dumb.”
“Did you two talk about it this morning?” Caroline hesitantly asked.
“No, I just immediately texted you and left because, tbh, I don’t even know everything that happened.”
When it became their turn to order smoothies, unsurprisingly, they each ordered identical smoothies stressing that they needed to be made with “almond butter instead of peanut butter.” They sat down at a table with a succulent centerpiece and waited for their names to be called while trying to strategize how to make things right despite not knowing entirely what happened.
“It’s just, like, who does that bitch think she is?” she inquired. “Like, cool, you met my boyfriend at the Kentucky Derby and now you and your whore friends are spending Halloween here on the off-chance you’ll randomly run into him.”
“Oh, so they don’t live here?” Caroline clarified.
“I don’t even know, tbh,” she reluctantly admitted. “I don’t think so, at least. But like, cool Phantom of the Opera mask she had on, grandma.”
They both laughed while Sperry looked through the restaurant’s window.
“So, like, what are you going to do?” Caroline wondered.
It was at this point that a bearded employee approached the table with their identical smoothies only to notice that they had the exact same outfits on.
“I just… I dunno. Probably apologize for being a psycho bitch last night,” she began, “And then hope things get smoothed over while we spend this weekend apart when the guys go to John’s bachelor party.”
“Yeah, probs the move.”
She sucked her smoothie through the oversized straw and zipped her fleece up saying, “Don’t worry, mama’s coming,” towards Sperry who had yet to release eye contact.
“Can we go to Lulu now?” Caroline asked. “Mama needs some retail therapy and a Xanax to cure this hangover.” .
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Will
Will (Twitter / Instagram) is the host of The Sunday Scaries Podcast.
@willdefries
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“When the apartment door shut shortly thereafter, he knew he was alone. In peace.” Enter Claire
He’s been entering Claire for a while now.
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One week.
Girl and the bearded employee?
Will, you tease. You know we all needed some Chronicles of Todd today.
She sounds hot. Calling herself a psycho is easily the most self aware she’s ever been. What the fuck is almond butter?
isn’t it nutella?
No it’s like peanut butter, except almonds are used. That’s why it’s called almond butter.
Didn’t even know that existed. Learn something knew every day.
There is nearly an almond equivalent to everything these days.
Local cafe recently told me “they dont carry any dairy” so I had almond milk in my coffee. Was gross.
Girl would be the type of person to not clean up after their dog
No shit. 😉
the fact that she says “tbh” rather than “to be honest” in actual conversation is nausea inducing
We’re all thinking it but I’ll say it…
Todd…
Bang Claire in Girl’s bed. DO IIIIIIIIIIIT!!
Sperry contemplating how to escape the girl and live happily ever after with Todd
“hello darkness my old friend”
As if she wasn’t terrible enough, she’s one of those people who brings her dog to inappropriate places just to leave them outside. OF COURSE SHE IS. Ugh.
That poor dog. You can leave your prayers for sperry at the unofficial PGP subreddit, https://www.reddit.com/r/PostGradProblem/
I don’t have a reddit.
Then what exactly do you do with your spare time?
I was eating only Ramen so I could buy more guns, but now I don’t know what to do with my time.
This guy’s priorities are in the right place.