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In case you haven’t already gathered from my previous columns, my dating/sex life has been a pretty messy ordeal.
I’ve been told I have a penchant for “double dicking,” a term my friend made up when I told him I was hooking up with two of my coworkers mere weeks after my decision to hook up with two sorority sisters had blown up in my face.
I’ve also been told I “get off on drama,” “I’m going to get shot one day,” and of course, that I’m a “homewrecker.” While I think the title seems a little excessive, considering I don’t know any girls that are married (let alone own a home), I can’t deny that I have, in the past, got with girls that were in relationships. I’ve hooked up (gotten a dry handjob) with a girl in high school whilst she was wearing the promise ring her boyfriend got her. My longest relationship to date was with a girl who had a boyfriend for four months while we were casually banging, and even earlier this year I took home a girl who’s fiancée would not be happy about our actions. And I don’t feel like I did anything wrong.
Now, before you jump down my throat, I want to clarify my point of view. First of all, I agree that cheating is bad. It’s a deplorable act that ruins relationships, and I don’t condone it at all. Secondly, I have never gone out of my way to intentionally hook up with a girl who I knew was in a relationship. However, if the opportunity for sex arises with someone who has a boyfriend, I have no qualms about doing so because it is not my job to care.
I’m not responsible for other people’s shitty actions. I have enough on my plate trying to keep myself in line, and frankly, I don’t have the energy or the level of caring to police other peoples’ relationships. If a girl I think is attractive makes a move on me, I’m not going to sit down with a pen and paper and figure out if me hooking up with her would hurt someone who I don’t know or care about. This may seem selfish, but I think everyone’s selfish if they’re honest with themselves about it.
There are over eight billion people in this world, and I care about the feelings and well-being of about a hundred of them. I have never and would never lay a finger on (or in) anyone that my friend is dating/talking to/hooking up with, but why should it be on me to watch out for the relationship of some guy I don’t know?
The truth is, everyone hates “the homewrecker” because it is a lot easier to hate that person than to hate the person that actually betrayed you. Your partner is the one you should be focusing all your anger on because they’re the one that actually ruined the relationship, not the random person they hooked up with.
Cheating is an act of betrayal, an act of weakness, and an act of apathy. Being the person that was cheated with is just an act of sex. Everyone that has been cheated on that blames the “other guy/girl” is just in denial about the truth – that your relationship is broken and that the person you most cared about does not feel the same way about you. That other person didn’t convince your partner to cheat on you with mind control, or hypnosis, or even slick words. Your partner made the conscious decision to cheat on you, whether it was aided by alcohol or not, and that person just capitalized on their decision.
Don’t get me wrong, I do feel bad for the guys being cheated on. I’ve been through it, and I know how bad it sucks. But I’m not the person causing the cheating. If a girl would throw her relationship away to hook up with a random guy, me saying no wouldn’t stop that. Once the relationship is broken to the point where cheating is an option, it won’t be fixed by one potential cheatee’s rejection. They’ll just go find someone else.
I have never been the first person a girl has cheated on her boyfriend with, and likely I was never the last. I’ve shared this view with people, and many of them have accused me of being a selfish asshole. They may be right, but I think everyone is a selfish asshole sometimes. What if the person you cheated with ends up being the person for you? I know everyone says “once a cheater, always a cheater,” but in my experience that isn’t always true.
There are people that cheat because of their own issues, and there are those who cheat because of a specific relationship’s issues. If I had never been a “homewrecker,” I wouldn’t have dated my college girlfriend for close to three years. Obviously, she wasn’t the girl I ended up with, but it wasn’t because of any infidelity in our relationship, and I have no regrets of the time we spent together.
The truth is, when it comes to relationships, you have to be selfish. No one out there is passing up on someone they think could be something special because “she would be better with someone else.” Relationships are messy business. Sometimes they start out with a perfect date, but just as often they start out with a dance floor makeout, a chance encounter, or even in the wreckage of a former relationship. It may not be pretty, or even morally right, but it happens. I’m not advocating that everyone get up right now and aggressively pursue someone in a relationship. That’s a dick move and you’ll most likely look like a creeper. But if there is a situation where you end up being “the other person,” don’t beat yourself up about it. It’s not your fault. .
Respond
Nick Arcadia
The opposite of a life coach. Email or DM me if you want some bad advice: nickarcadiapgp@gmail.com
@noampao
noamio
I know this isn’t what I should have taken from this, but that sad sack that gave his girl a promise ring deserved it.
If you don’t know about it then it isn’t your fault. If you go eyes open into a hookup with someone who is attached you are garbage.
*Attached *willing to hook up with you. Pick only one. How is it my responsibility to honor someone else’s commitment that they don’t even honor?
Because you were raised right and have a moral compass that points in the general direction of True North?
I used to be in the “I’m not the one in a relationship so it’s not my issue” camp but once you have it happen to you then you change your tune.
I do think you become complicit if you know someone is married though. That’s how dateline episodes are made
I feel like this is JD’s shit storm of a article he wrote a few weeks back that got him down voted to oblivion 2.0. i have no probs with someone hookin up with randos that are friends or whaterver. if youre oblivious to the fact that said rando is in a relationship you cant blamed for that but knowing they’re in a relationship and still goin after it is another can of a worms
Agreed. Call me old fashioned but if you’re knowingly taking home girls with fiance’s, and casually banging a girl for almost half a year while they have an actual boyfriend, that’s says a lot about you.
To each their own, but I couldn’t imagine myself keeping someone like that in my company.
I disagree. If you weren’t the party to initiate the banging, why should you be held responsible?
I don’t think it makes you responsible per say, after all you aren’t the one in the relationship, but I do think it makes you complicit. Actively being a knowing part of wrecking a relationship doesn’t make you responsible for it, but it does make you a piece of shit.
Yeah but at least I pull over if I hit someone.
The bigger piece of shit is the cheater. Knowledge, initiation aside.
if being complicit wasnt seen as morally abhorrent then being an accessory to a crime wouldnt be a thing. tossing blame on doing a shitbag move and justifying it with the shitbag excuse of “i’m not the one in the relationship thats doing the cheating” is a total cop out. the fact that you have to use that as an excuse is proof enough. if you felt at all absolved of what you’ve done or still do then why do you need an excuse? I dont have to toss my trash in the bin if theres no one looking. i’m not required to help that single mom change her tire in the HEB parking lot while shes got her hands full juggling her kids but i do have the moral obligation to do so cause i’m not that much of a bastard. if youre in college and still doing this i guess chalk it up to being young and stupid but if youre in your mid to late 20’s chalk it up to being an asshole.
anyone who hooks up with someone who they know has a significant other is a garbage person. yes, of course the person in the relationship is also a piece of shit who has a majority of the blame, but this article sounds like someone who is trying to convince themselves that what they did “wasn’t that bad.”
I completely agree with you. We’re all fully grown adults (or at least we pretend that we are) and it’s not our job to care about the personal lives of others who are making conscious and willing decisions to fuck up said personal lives for a bit of fun.
Also, congrats on the sex.
I feel like if you do it with knowledge, you may not be responsible but you’re still an accomplice.
Hooked up with a girl for two months while studying aboard in college. Found out she had a boyfriend back home about 2/3 the way through. I agree with you its not your responsibility if you are not in the relationship. They got engaged recently, do I send a gift?
Agree, not your problem to think about, but life is usually a little less complicated if you avoid hooking up with someone who is attached.
1. If your SO cheated, that person is human garbage.
2. Agreed, if you did not know then its not your fault.
3. IF you knew and acted on it you are garbage. Also, you and Duda could be good friends.
4. Just because you were cheated on doesn’t give you a license to be an asshole, be the better person.
Hooked up with a groomsmen for a wedding I was in who ended up being in a serious relationship. I had no idea at the time but still felt like a piece of shit. While it wasn’t my fault, I honestly felt more betrayed by everyone who knew but didn’t tell me.