The Best Answers To My Call For A Trophy Husband

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When I started this whole process, I wasn’t expecting much. All I wanted was a strong young man with whom to share my wealth. Preferably with genes like a more attractive Manning family, who cooks like Gordon Ramsay and ages like Rob Lowe. One undeniable conclusion I have drawn from this experience: a lot of dudes out here are trying to get saved, and they are not shy about it. Gotta respect that on some level.

Yes, it took me two days to compile and read your responses. But there are some true gems in the stack below. Let’s take a look.

What is your age, location, and current occupation?

Ages:

20 – 23: 20%
24 – 26: 67%
27 – 30: 13%

Locations:

Most of these guys reported from the Midwest, followed closely by the Northeast. Ohio and Boston, specifically. I had two thoughts on this: 1) Damn, these guys must really want to move, and 2) Damn, should I move?

Here are some highlights from the background info and occupation portion:

I’m 28 years old, turning 29 in mid-September. I live and work in Boston. My current job is construction project manager — for the next 3 weeks. I just finished grad school, got my teaching license, and will begin a career teaching high school math this school year. The reason for the career change? I wanted to have a better work/life balance, work with kids, and have summers and school breaks off.

Ah, the “Accumulate grad school student loans, fuck it all off to become a teacher, find a sugar mama” move. Classic. Glad you’re here.

Analytics Consultant for a major financial advisor – that’s right, I have a job title that’s just two meaningless business buzzwords.

As for the state of my soul, I would describe it as bruised but unbowed. I laugh a little too much at Nived’s dark humor, but I still get brief glimpses of child-like joy when I drive on a nice day with the top down.

I am 20 years old and a full-time student. I’ve worked part-time various places, but no real job up to this point. So ya, I don’t know the 9-5 grind, and if I’m lucky I never really will. As far as work goes, I’m more productive on my own timeline anyway.

Not even legal drinking age and already knows he ain’t about that life.

Graduated University of Michigan in 2014

Family Insurance Business with my parents and both siblings. We will probably make a cliche local family business commercial in the near future.

“Local TV Commercial Star” is absolutely a trophy husband resume-booster.

24, Dallas and amateur Pornography historian, but I’m looking to go pro. That or I work as a Systems Admin and intend on switching to consulting because sitting at my desk bored for 6 hours a day is killing me.

Sounds like a career as an amatueur pornography historian is a hard one to keep up. Perhaps I can help relieve you of some of that pressure.

26, Philadelphia, Construction Manager.

I’m a shell of what I once was thanks to 4 years of post grad suffering at a job where I am constantly beaten down and I am willing to do whatever it takes to achieve my life goal of being a stay at home dad and squander my education for my woman.

Perfect, that’s exactly my demo.

I am 23 years old. I recently got my 9-5, but I already know that this silly office life isn’t for me, I would much rather spend my days dusting antique vases and painting portraits of you stretched out on a bearskin rug.

I am a 23 year old recent graduate. I live in Australia (pro: awesome holidays). Since I grew up on a farm in the outback, I missed out on the stereotypical surfer lifestyle. However, I do possess an authentic Aussie accent which you are welcome to show off to all your friends.

God Bless America, but English-speaking foreigner = points.

What is your interior decorating history?

I decorated the fraternity house for numerous dated functions and formals, so you could say I have pretty extensive experience. My ideal living space would be as follows:

Island kitchen with white cabinets and black granite counter tops. The appliances would coordinate with this theme by having wood exterior that coincided with the cabinet set. I’m thinking white tile in the kitchen with small black accents, but I am open to debate on this.

The living room would be hardwood floor that butts up to our fireplace. The fireplace is obviously gas with a remote, but we could still go old school with the brick for the exterior if you’re into that (don’t be into that). There will be ample space for a sectional, loveseat, and a recliner for you to kick your feet up on after a long day of work.

Our master bedroom obviously is the most important. I know my girl deserves one hell of a bedroom for rest and relaxation (read foot rubs and orgasms). California King bed with wood bed frame, and bench at the foot of the bed. Walk-in closet with shelves built onto the walls for our obviously banging wardrobe. Special section built in for your incredible selection of shoes. The bathroom would have 2 vanity sinks, separate room for toilet, gravity shower, and of course a Jacuzzi bathtub.

Not explicitly asked, but I also have extensive experience with exterior design as well. You want us to be all go and no show? I didn’t think so. Best lawn in the neighborhood hands down. Colorful flowerbeds and at least one nice tree in the front yard. People will drive by and just know instantly that we don’t fuck around.

That fraternity house must have been ~fabulous~. This dude is fucking bringing it.

Background in Architecture and Interior Design. Leaning towards more of a modern, straight edge aesthetic. But really, at the end of the day it’s what you want and how I can make your house dreams into HGTV pseudo-reality. Get that bitch a fireplace with a bookshelf, bitches love fire.

Am bitch, can confirm.

My decorating history and current home/#UltimateBachelorPad have been described as “way too good for a straight, single guy,” “I now get why gay guys hit on you all the time,” and “you’re going to make me use coasters, aren’t you?”

Note: this applicant also sent a detailed description of his interior decorating vision including specific answers to my prompt. Siri, remind me to toss him a “sup.”

I cannot think of a poster or object that has not been a wall decoration. Except, pictures of half naked women as it was always sent out awful vibes. Especially how unnecessary they are with the invention of smartphones like just look at instagram models.

Black leather italian sofa-and-loveseat all day minimizing the chance of ruining those comfy babies with a red wine spill. Clear glass tables. We can get color saucy on the walls with art. Lastly, I want a socially acceptable poof chair because those are just awesome no matter how old you are.

The poof chair can be your reward for keeping your masturbatory fodder in your electronic devices, where it belongs.

My furniture style has improved greatly since my days of my Target futon, loft bed and Empire Records poster on my wood paneled college house. I have since moved over to the classier section of Target, I get 5% off with my REDcard if you want to weigh that into your decision. My house is a combination of lightly used furniture given to me by my family and a growing collection of nice furniture pieces that I have selected. It works rather nicely and I have gotten quite a few compliments, you can come over to review it in person if you like.

Oh, the “hey, wanna come check out my furniture?” Never heard that one before.

I’m going to be honest here Best, I aspire to someday be just like Ron Swanson (no word on if I will be sporting a signature mustache), and so my tastes are simple and classic. I appreciate large brown leather couches and armchairs, and decor to make your San Diego home feel like a hunting lodge. In our future 1 bedroom apartment we turn into our palace, we would have many leather bound books, and it would smell of rich mahogany.

Ron Swanson or Ron Burgundy? Really no wrong answer.

With brutal honesty, I currently have sports jerseys hanging from my walls, detailing my current bachelorhood. This, of course, is just my subtle reminder that for two days a week, Saturday and Sunday’s give me a break from the doleful field of law.

However, this is a field I believe I have the most opportunity to improve on. I have been told I have impeccable style, and I believe with a few “Home and Living” magazines while on the elliptical, I can really turn it around. A true “Rocky” scenario is in the books here.

We all have to start somewhere. I believe in you.

What is your parenting style?

I’m a big fan of dad jokes. I’m not gonna lie, that may be a deal breaker. The shittier the pun, the better I make it. But I’m the godfather for a child, whose parents call me “fairly adequate for the only one we know who might not fuck it up too badly.” I’m a UF Gator fan, so they’ll be raised hearing stories of Tim Tebow before he went Pro, and the right shades of Orange and Blue are good colors to hide puke stains. I’m fluent in snapping adorable things, I have two cocker spaniels, so snapping them is my go to way of communicating with my female relatives.

If dad jokes are a deal breaker for anyone in my life, I am going to need them to get out of my life immediately.

One that won’t raise a bunch of whining millennials, but also won’t get me sent to jail.
My kids will play contact sports until I have a conversation with them about the wonders of endorsements & how much money they can make playing golf.

Picture this, the house is laid out like a military bootcamp. Little Charles is yelling at Noah to do one more push-up. There’s a rope course out back that has clean granola to help turn these guys into machines that D-I schools send scouts out for.

The Snapchats you’ll get will sickeningly cute. I’m talking a baby riding a dog with a cowboy hat. The kind of shit that will get an Instagram following that would make all your high school friends jealous. So jealous, that they’ll whip out some animal abuse accusations. But these kids are animals anyways.

I can change a diaper like nobody’s business. I’m like a Navy Seal, I’m in and out before anyone can notice and the shitstorm is all cleaned up. I’ve got a spotless driving record and the kids will be potty trained early, that way we can subtle brag to all the other parents about how advanced our children are for their age.

We have a big family been around diapers my whole life with little cousins. Poop does not scare me. Also drunk frat guys piss their pants just as much as infants so I’ve been there done that.
I want at least one to play golf so I can keep up with my dad bod and the potential future earnings of a pro golfer. Otherwise I support all real sports (football, soccer, basketball, baseball, hockey, volleyball).

Either he organically grouped volleyball in with the big 5 in the real sport category, or he did his research. Good move either way.

By parenting you mean taking care of the 2 puppies? If that’s what you mean, then my style is to spoil them, dress them up in funny outfits or hats and get them insta famous. That and put them on my giant gold inflatable swan at the lakehouse. Why? because I’m basic AF.

Kid best be ready to be raised a thorough bred pro athlete. Chicago sports will be his guide. Snapchat? That’s everyday. Phenomenal driver, got T-boned once. Potty training? I thought you were bringing home the big bucks, the help can handle that and the diapers.

Short answer: It’s likely I was created to be the day-one A1 alpha dog father. I’m all for kids not happening for a while. I’ve probably got grad school coming up next (Not to be funded by you, I’m in line for some scholarships. Humble Brag.) so I can take some time. Potty training will be a program of discipline and empowerment, and with later kids it will be training-by-committee (a committee of the slightly older kids).

Did he just pitch a potty-training pyramid scheme? Next fucking level.

Speaking of sports, how is your spiral?

Am I okay with raising D-1 athletes? No. I am not “okay” with it. I think it’s basically mandatory. I played D1 (club) lacrosse in the Big 10 and I expect our kids to be better than I was. I still play lacrosse and enjoy continuing to dominate on the field. My current workout regimen is 6 days a week, 1 of them with a personal trainer, and it’s safe to say it shows. Not only will I be attending every game our kids play, I will be the coach of at least 2 teams. That way when you attend your 3 games, you can sit back and watch all the moms envious looks that your kid is the star and that you get mustache rides on the coach’s face.

My spiral is pretty good. I was a D3 college athlete in hockey and lacrosse. Oh, and in addition to teaching high school math, I will be coaching varsity hockey and lacrosse. If my kid isn’t a D1 athlete, he doesn’t get access to his trust fund. I’m not content with being a sports parent. I’m going to be junior’s coach. I already have plenty of practice screaming at referees and making other parents cry.

Considering I didn’t learn how to throw a football until my 8th grade year (dad never played football), I’d say my spiral is on point for throws between 15 and 55 yards, terrible on short throws.

I also have every intention of having a kid that makes it to at least D1, but I’m hoping you bring some speed to the equation as I am definitely a four-tool player. You do have my personal guarantee that whatever other parents are doing for snacks, we will do one step better so that the kids all love us and the parents kinda resent us.

I don’t mean to brag, but I was all-city as a defensive tackle in 6th grade. In terms of my actual spiral, not great. I would be one of those coaches who couldn’t actually play the game but can communicate knowledge of the game to our future children. That said, I did make states in golf during high school. Being a fan of the University of Tennessee and a fan of whiskey, I am well versed in trash talk and have no problem with beating the living shit out of a parent on the other sideline who dares to bad-mouth our child during a game.

What is your best home-cooked meal?

I’ve been told I’m pretty impressive both in the kitchen and at the grill. Whether I’m making fresh ceviche that I spearfished for that day (hot image alert, me coming out of the water spear in one hand, fish in the other,) perfectly searing rib-eye steaks, or making bacon and eggs Benedict so good the neighbors come knocking, you’ll end up looking down on what some $100/plate restaurant has to offer.

I have a special recipe for my own personal twist on Shrimp Scampi. I grew up in Maryland so I can blow your pants off with any seafood dish. Not into seafood? That’s alright, I translate those skills well to other meats. My friends and family instinctively hand me the spatula in any grilling situation so yes, your steak will always be cooked to perfection. And don’t even mention breakfast cause that shit will be on the table waiting for you every morning, from omelettes to waffles and everything in between.

Pan-seared chicken with a rosemary garlic potato doing anything for you? When in doubt, add more cheese. I can bake like no one’s business. You need someone to take care of those damn bake sales? I’ll make those motherfuckers brownies.

Like a standard dad I am a master of both the grill and making a killer breakfast spread (did someone say breakfast in bed every Sunday?). I can be the Renaissance man you deserve and whip you up what your heart desires. And to give you fair warning, I will be making baller Christmas cookies that you can both give out to the people who deserve them and remind others they’re not worthy of a box of your trophy husband’s homemade snicker-doodles.

A natural grill master, self-proclaimed pasta expert, and expert of guac; get ready for high protein and carb dinners. Worried about too much #gainz? No fear, the workout regimen I’ll be implementing will make sure we won’t be known as the Fat Fam. A rookie with desert, I have all the skills to learn quickly the ways of the sweet tooth.

The kitchen is my kingdom and my knife my sceptre. My Instagram is pretty much a monument to my photography and baking hobbies. Don’t really have a best meal yet, but I’ve nearly locked down the last two dishes of my full course. I am a pretty good hand at cheesecakes, pasta dishes, seafood, and cupcakes. Branching out into more technical French desserts at the moment (croquembouche, soufleés, éclairs, macarons). I love new recipes, and often just ask people to come up with something they want me to make for practice. Check out my food blog: [redacted]

I literally just ate, and now I’m starving again.

Miscellaneous:

Bald or balding family members? An overwhelming response from men with full heads of hair and an impeccable family history of same.

Riding or push lawnmowers? About a 50/50 split. The riding lawnmower fans thought ahead and figured our yard would be too big to walk, plus the kiddos love lawnmower riding. On the other hand, the push guys made their choice based largely on the cardio.

Ideal number of dogs? Answer hovered around 2, with a few people saying “all the dogs,” which was also an acceptable answer.

Use the following words in a sentence: “Dutch oven,” “Succulent,” “Nut grinder,” “Caulk”

“After caulking the lid of the dutch over, the chicken was flavored with nuts pieces fresh from the nut grinder and baked to succulent perfection.”

I made some great cherry cobbler in the dutch oven last night, but it ended up making me gassy, so I had to give her a dutch oven.

Yes we need these succulents. I found a way to make homemade Aloe Vera and this sunburn is killing me. Yes I know I should’ve put on sunscreen. Don’t remind me that you said I should put some on. I wanted to get drunk, not slather myself in sunscreen.

You know I hate nuts, so I swear if you put a nut grinder on the goddamn registry, I’m naming the puppies something like Evelyn or Carol (both my grandparent’s names but still old people names)
This is why we don’t by cheap and shitty houses, I have to caulk up the fucking guest bath because of another god damn leak.

This guy hasn’t even met me yet and is already fed up with me.

I won’t dutch oven you, okay just kidding I may.
Succulent; didn’t know we were describing your boobs.

Damn, he’s good.

All I was told to cook tonight was something succulent, so I left a cactus out.

Never too early to start with the dad jokes.

My dutch oven has so much juice the bed sheets are forced to condensate.

I mostly left this in here so you could feel just as uncomfortable as I did while reading that.

Laying the new caulk in the bathroom today was a real nut grinder with Marty turning the place into a Dutch oven drowning out any succulent any fresh air.

If our kids ever miss the game winning shot, I would lock them in a room and release such a nut grindingly succulent dutch oven that it would melt the caulk off the window insulation. Bet you won’t miss that shot next time buddy.

Would love to see this implemented.

Setting the scene: -Us, in bedroom, 10:30p on a Tuesday-
You: “Did you use that caulk yet today?”
Me: (misinterpreting, typical male, eyes wide) “What? No?”
You: (upset, as the bathroom really needs it) “Get your succulent ass into the bathroom & do it before I put your shit in a nutgrinder!”
Me: (still misunderstanding, gets naked and walks into the bathroom)
You: (fall asleep after a while)
Me: (comes back to bed, fart under the covers, whispers) “Sorry about the (dutch) oven”

*I’m more creative than this, but people are looking at me weird for being on Gmail too long today. Let me know if you want me to write a remix to a song or something, I’ve done that before.

One of my proudest and simultaneously most shameful accomplishments is adapting Smash Mouth’s “Allstar” to a sorority recruitment door chant, so I get it. Some of us are just more musically inclined.

And finally:

Call me “Dutch Oven” ’cause I’m getting real hot, or call me “Handy Man” for my succulent caulk; next time I’m down south maybe we can go on a date, you can be my “Nut Grinder” if we go back to- wait.

Just shoulder deep in talent. This is the closest I will ever come to being the Bachelorette. One applicant confirmed a sneaking suspicion of mine at the close of his application:

In closing, I probably put more effort into this than I have put into my past couple job applications, so even if you don’t choose me as your Prince Charming maybe i’ll be more motivated to do some job searching.

Don’t tell me I never did anything for you..

Image via Shutterstock

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Best

Best specializes in making fun of men and wondering why she is still single. She has over 6,000 followers on Periscope, the reason for which she has yet to figure out. Her Tinder bio once went viral for including a pretty mediocre fart joke. Neither of these events she allows anyone in her life to forget.

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