======= ======= ====== ====== ====== ===== ==== ====== ====== ===== ==== ======= ======= ====== ====== ====== ===== ==== ====== ====== ===== ====
Ever since the airline I designed wasn’t able to get off the ground, I’ve been watching the world through a different shade of lenses. What shade you ask? Gold ones, my Internet reading friend. Specifically United Premier Gold.
The only thing gold I’ve ever received.
You see, after spending a year toiling away at a small startup in the Bay area where the farthest I could travel was around the block, I now work for a company that has me spending my time literally Up In The Air.
Last year, my little two-week jaunt to Spain (which went swimmingly, I might add) plus all of the traveling I did for my job finally amounted to something I always knew I deserved but had yet been given: status. I can’t get enough of it. Do you have any idea the perks you receive at the United Gold level? You probably don’t, you Economy riding jet jockey. Allow me to dangle the carrot.
First and most importantly: complimentary upgrades to Economy Plus seating. No longer do I have to pretzel my legs under my damaged hips and back in steerage again! Now I can stretch them out in all that extra legroom and maybe even throw in a few yoga poses to fully complete the California stereotype.
Un-fucking-believable…
I can also upgrade my flying companion, completely free of charge. I hope I can find a hooker who’ll accept a seat upgrade as money paid!
“Hi ladies…I hope one of you has liquids less than 3.4 oz!”
Second, I’m given TWO free complimentary checked bags, up to seventy pounds. Seventy pounds! Do you realize how many bags of Skittles I can bring onboard with no charge? I looked it up; it’s about 160 bags. And bags of the original Skittles, with the lime flavor. None of this green apple BULLSHIT.
But the best part about Gold Status? The respect. Everywhere I go I’m thanked for my loyalty. Most of the time I want to laugh, then cry and then spit in their face. You think if I had a choice I would be spending a third of my time flying your shitty airline? If I have to fly it I’m planning on doing it with style.
If you see this walking down the aisle towards your row, watch out.
With a couple of trips back and forth to Chicago for the holidays and upcoming work trips, I know I’ll crush the 50K mileage goal easily to get Gold status again for 2017. Which leaves me with a dilemma –
Do I book a round trip ticket to Hawaii and maybe take a quick (six-ten hour) swing by NYC in the month of December, to try to get United Platinum Status for next year? You bet your Southwest Airline flying ass I do. It’s called a mileage run and airline big shots like me take them all the time. Because you see, with Platinum Status you can bring THREE checked bags for free and can upgrade EIGHT companions to Economy Plus seating.
Imagine how many Skittles and hookers I could bring onboard then. .
Image via YouTube
Respond
JR Hickey
Stand up comedian and writer from Chicago who now resides on the West Coast. JR can be seen performing at Cobbs Comedy Club in San Francisco and Zanies Comedy Clubs in Chicago. His work has been published in the Chicago Tribune and recently he was a part of SF Sketchfest 2015. JR's also the host of the PGP dating podcast Don't Take It From Us. He loves you very, very much.
@JRwilldoit
@JRwilldoit
I’m American Airlines Gold status. Can we co-op these upgrades? I like to think I’m better company than a hooker.
I just so happen to be double platinum with Spirit Airlines and boy are the perks mind blowing. With this level of status I automatically get an aisle seat next to a crying baby and NOT a middle seat. Can you believe that? I also am entitled to two ice cubes in my complementary water which is a total game changer on a long flight across the country. Lastly with my status they guarantee that the plane that I’m on has been maintained properly and won’t have any mechanical issues mid-flight. This is truly flying at it’s finest if you ask me.
Flew on Spirit once (A buddy’s wife booked it for 4 dudes going to a Bach Party). She thought it sounded like a good deal. Then we got to the airport, $30 bucks a bag. $20 just to register your seat and not get in the middle. Get on the plane, $5 bucks for a bag of peanuts. Like $8 for drinks (I’m talking just like a Diet Coke). Think they even charged for blankets. I was half surprised they didn’t charge me for wanting to take a leak. By the time we got home just about doubled the cost of the flight with all the stupid crap I bought along the way. Never again.
Still haven’t paid her back. It’s only been two years…
If you looked up this information ahead of time, you can avoid these costs. There’s too many bad reviews of Spirit just because people didn’t take time to look up the airline before they got to the airport.
You make a valid point… But I still blame my buddy’s wife. She booked Spirit without our consent. Though she certainly received our feedback after the experience.
She did that to herself.
The TLDR:
1. Status is power.
2. JR loves skittles and hookers.
This. As a Delta Diamond Medallion guy, the perks are awesome when you have status (Aside from getting rocked on every flight for free). Even on the rare chance I am not upgraded to First Class, still get upgraded to Delta Comfort seats (Still free drinks there, too). Earlier this year Delta somehow messed up and stuck me in a middle seat in coach, I didn’t really mind as it was a short trip. Three days later I saw an email from Delta as they apologized profusely for putting someone of such “status” in the middle and gave me 10,000 miles for my trouble.
As a guy who literally lives for flier miles to keep my status, and hotel points, it’s tiny crap like that that keeps you bringing back that business. Plus, I like to get drunk for free…
Platinum does give you 2 RPU’s and by god they made my EWR-HNL trip tolerable with all the bourbon you can drink for 14 hrs instead of losing circulation in my legs in economy..
Being primer with with United is like winning the special Olympics…
True story. They gave me gold status just because….. They take all specialness out of the status
I’m going to get raked here, southwest A list preferred
I work for an airline. I skip security completely and then sit in first class for free….. I guess baring there is open seats. Suck it mileage members. Yeah my checked bags are free too.
Clearly your level of success is too high for this website.
Shut up and refill my whiskey.
Everyone I know that works for an airline has this attitude…
Subway employees get perks too…