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I was born with the metabolism of a humpback whale. I sailed right over the “awkwardly skinny” phase and landed full force into “painfully medium.” Fortunately for me, my lovely parents taught me how to maintain a proper equilibrium: eat healthy, be active, and don’t be an obsessive psycho. And my mom, whose exact body I inherited, helped me learn to live by a powerful phrase: You can take care of your body, but you can’t fix an ugly face.
I learned to prioritize athletics and working out. Not because I enjoy it, but because it is necessary to calm the beast that is my inner fat kid. I went about my life, doing the things I do, never really wavering from the body that I developed in seventh grade. I had made peace with my sturdy, unchanging frame.
And then I turned 23.
I swear to God, if I smell a chocolate chip cookie, I gain three pounds. A night of drinking? That’ll cost you a button on your skinny jeans tomorrow. By absolutely zero stretch of the imagination am I in any capacity — mentally, financially, emotionally, or logistically — ready to have a child right now. Yet, there are my shiny new child-bearing hips, here to argue otherwise. Really? Go home, dude. Nobody wants you here.
What is happening to me? I never used to feel bad about an off day or putting sugar in my coffee. Now? If my coffee is anything but black, I can guarantee I’ll have fat face in pictures later that day.
I’ve been trying to fight this metabolic plunge. I go to the gym at least five times a week, I eat like a god damn bird, and I still only have this profusely mediocre “normal weight range” body to show for it. It’s bullshit. And guess what? This lifestyle is trash. I mean, I fucking hate kale. It sucks. I’m not going to sit here and tell you that I can feel the vitamin K pulsing through my veins because all I can feel are these sandpaper leaves cutting wounds down my esophagus. But if I had a sandwich for lunch? You bet your ass I’d be puffing out of my shirt tomorrow. This is not a life I chose.
And listen: I’m a twenty-something female who lives in New York City, so it should go without saying that I’m all for #feminism and #bodypositivity. All bodies deserve love, every body is a bikini body, so on and so forth. But am I wrong to think that it was easier to love myself before, I don’t know, my love handles grew love handles?
Do I need to up my gym sessions to twice a day? Should I emulate Khloe and drink only #FitTea? Should I quit my job to become a personal trainer so I have no choice but to toss some weights around all day and eat only lean meat and steamed broccoli? I guess I could stop drinking, but on the other hand, it’s laughable to think I would ever get laid again without the guise of at least four vodka sodas. So, hard pass.
Instead, I’ll plan out my incredibly lackluster meals of in-season vegetables and flavorless chicken breasts. I’ll continue to curse my gym alarm every morning, but go anyway and pray that one day I will transform into one of the many hot moms who seem to live at my gym. I’ll continue to ogle their Michelle Obama arms and wonder why I was born into a life of mediocrity. I’ll continue my life as I have, and I will pray to God every night that all the skinny girls posing with fucking pizza slices get fat, too.*
*Just kidding, you’re beautiful as you are. Just, like, be beautiful a few feet away from me. .
Respond
@_cflammia
@tine_vogue
cflammia
Just get married and stop caring….
Okay, I am in the exact same boat. And about two months ago I hired a personal trainer for once a week and I can tell 100% difference already. I’m back to running 3 miles daily, even after a weekend of binge eating and drinking. If you can budget for it I swear it helps.
Sup
who dey
Personal trainers are great, but if they’re too expensive, there are also workout guides that are actually pretty decent at providing structured plans (Amanda Bisk, Kayla Itsines, etc). As a former college athlete who had to realize that the real world doesn’t allow for 3 hour/day workouts, I wasn’t sure if they would work for me to stay in shape but they’ve been surprisingly good for feeling strong and lean, especially if you eat as healthy as you already do.
I’d talk to a nutritionist and personal trainer. Eating like a bird is no way to live your life
Interesting and useless fact: Birds typically eat anywhere from 5% – 100% of their body weight on a daily basis, whereas humans consume 3 – 5 pounds per day, being a significantly reduced percentage compared to the average flying feathered friend.
Try fasting for a really, really long time until you are almost transparent when viewed from the side. Then casually sneak out of work unseen everyday for however long you are able to survive. Your metabolism will get a restart so you’ll basically be starting at 0 again. I’m def a scientist so it’s cool.
I was like this too for a while, and I also went the trainer route. After 4 months I’m completely different with workouts. Kettle bell squats and pulling a sled are the best!
Stop doing cardio, focus on toning and putting on muscle. It will increase your metabolism and your body will be required to burn more calories at rest to maintain homeostasis.
“Toning”
But yes, building muscle is the way to go. You might actually gain a few pounds with muscle gain, but your dress size will go down, and you’ll need more calories just to fuel your boy like ^ said, so no more bird eating. Win Win Win
Also, snack. Keep the metabolism steady throughout the day rather than ups and downs.
no such thing as toning, spot reduction, etc. Complex Olympic movements when lifting. Running in moderation helps, but being a psycho runner leads to skinny fatness.