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We’ve all been there. If you drink at all you’ve woken up at least once and thought, “I cannot believe I did that last night.” Either that or woken up and had someone fill you in on what you did last night, then felt the resulting shame. Our writers weighed in on their most embarrassing drunk story. Thanks for everything alcohol.
It’s not exactly one moment because it has happened many times. I will get very drunk and go to take a piss. I’ll be texting not paying attention or have to use two hands to hold myself up. Sometimes I’ll move or whatever end up pissing all over myself. We then have to leave. This has happened at least eight times and probably more. — MadoffInvestment
I don’t believe in being embarrassed. However, one time I did something stupid. I am a firm believer in peeing outside. One time some guy yelled at me for peeing outside and punched me in the face. So I tackled him. — Delph
Shit, there’s too many to pick. I fell into a fountain in the lobby of a Vegas hotel while wearing a full suit. I accidentally told a girl I “wanted her inside me” in a blacked out attempt at dirty talk. I uploaded a naked mirror selfie on to my snapchat story. I got my girlfriend written up while she was bartending at work because I jumped the bar and started making my friends and I (horrible) Kamikazes. Somewhere out there is a video of me wearing nothing but an American flag and trying to fight a mailbox that “was talking shit behind my back.” I once took a Taco Bell shit in the bus bathroom on the way to a sorority formal that wafted into the back of the bus and caused two girls to puke. Wait is this “most embarrassing moment” or “proudest moment?” — Nick_Arcadia
I think everyone has a few wonderful drunk memories… However this one I wish everyone could forget. After a hard night of raging and winning a case race, my then girlfriend picked me up. We went back to her place and went to bed. I then proceeded to wet the bed and piss all over her, and myself. She was literally and figuratively pissed. — PostGradShibby
I’ve had my share of embarrassing puking, fights, and just generally awful moments. But what I think takes the cake for absolute stupidity is getting blackout drunk thanks to a tequila drink called “The Asskicker” in Reno, NV (Thing was like 7/8th’s tequila, 1/8 God knows what). According to the morning-after rundown, I became so obnoxious that even my most kind hearted friend wanted to knock me out, I narrowly avoided arrest in the El Dorado Casino parking lot, and I wound up sleeping on a couch spooning with a parking cone I stole. Tequila is a hell of a drink. — Kyle Bandujo
” In high school, I was madly in love with a guy who was a few years older than I. You know, the kind of love where he asks how your surgery went and you respond by stuttering profusely before ending on the thoughtful yet charming response: “knee.” Anyway, during college I went to a party with high school friends where I may or may not remember anything that happened. But apparently I saw him—my feelings for him still strong. When he went to leave the party, he turned to the group of people and said, “Later, guys.” So, naturally, my response was to run across the room, jump into his arms, and kiss him on the mouth in front of an entire party of people. FF two hours later, and my dad is carrying me like a newborn child out of the party, and my guy friends are chanting MILF at my mom. Still v upset I don’t remember the best kiss of my life. — Tine_Vogue
I’m sure I’ve done WAY more embarrassing things – but I’d rather not put them on the Internet (yet) – so I’ll go w/ my first ever embarrassing drunk moment. Senior year of high school I went to my first ever college party. Came home and was too noisy and woke up my dad. He found me bent over my bed, standing but with my head face down in a pile of my own puke. He flicked the lights off and let me stay that way all night. Improper Brostonian
Most embarrassing thing I’ve done drunk: Both my state AND federal taxes. — JR Hickey
I went straight from bball practice to a sorority date party, never really stopped sweating. Date shoved Redbull/vodkas down my throat (which I’m sure was awesome for my heart). Ended up passing out on the stairs of the venue (lots of pics with this). Get woken up, walk straight out of the front door into traffic. Wake up in dorm room. — Icehouse
Drank a bunch of McCormick’s Vodka sophomore year of high school and ended up facedown and shoeless in my front yard. My next door neighbor happened to be walking her dogs at midnight (weird) and was nice enough to pick me up over her shoulder and carry me into my bed. Oops. — Dave
The entire first semester of my freshman year was one big embarrassing drunk moment. It started when I went to a house party with some older girls from the club volleyball team I had just joined. I tried to keep up with them beer for beer, shot for shot, of which I probably have only 20 minutes of mentally recorded memory. The next thing I know I’m face down on my bed, light on, door open, in the same clothes as the night before. My suite-mates had woken up for class to a massive puddle of puke in the hallway. I considered playing dumb for about 10 seconds until I saw – right next to it – my student ID card and one of my shoes. The other first few times I blacked out, I acted like a legitimate mental patient. I was shown videos of myself sticking a spoonful of pudding in my ear. I also used to tape random stuff on my wall, like school supplies and shit. I’ve done well lately, aside from an incident a few months ago in which I was asked to leave a bar at 2 p.m. after trying to lick a window. — Best
I honestly haven’t been “do something stupid” drunk too many times. But this past Halloween, I made the disastrous mistake of mixing vodka and whisky with my first edible. As you can imagine, this was not a good combination. In fact, it was so bad that I wound up passed out in a public bathroom at a casino. In a neon tutu, no less. Thankfully, a friend (who thought I had just ghosted) overheard the security guard talking about the girl asleep in the stall and laid claim to me before they took me to Indian casino jail. — 2NOTBrokeGirls
I fell asleep at the bar during my interview with Grandex. Just kidding, that was Johnny D. — Will deFries .
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Kyle Bandujo
The artist formerly known as Crash Davis. My kid doesn't think I'm funny.
@kylebandujo
@bandujokyle
kyle.bandit
Johnny D pulling power moves on Grandex before he’s even hired. Respect.
I fell in a cactus while “popping a squat” at one of my first college parties. We were at a friend’s cabin, which was just a really nice shack with a great porch and fire pit near by (that had no plumbing) just outside the city limits. I had to have a random guy help me pull thorns out of the back of my entire left leg. Never saw the guy again.
I’m not sure whether I should respect the shit out of drunk Best or be very afraid of her.
How does TurboTax not have a “You’re drunk, I’m shutting down” security measure?
Tax accounting is easier with alcohol – source: did it professionally for 2.5 years.
Oh hey Hickey.
Genuinely surprised that there were no references to Kid Rock from Will
When I was a Junior in high school I drank a half handle of Rubinov Vodka with some orange juice before a concert at Umass Amherst. Before I even made into the venue I proceeded to flip off a cop, tell him to fuck off (he was doing nothing at all), then ripped the lid of the trash can he was standing next to and proceeded to puke in it. I passed out in my seat in the show and was woken up by the paramedics and was taken out of the venue. I woke up in my friends car as we were on the highway heading home the next morning, not knowing what happened until he told me in vivid detail and showed some photos of me trying to fight free from the paramedics who were trying to put me in the back of their truck. To this day I can’t drink or even smell orange juice without feeling sick and am banned from the Umass campus.
You’ve led quite the life.
A life without orange juice is a life I don’t want to live. No mimosas? Count me out.
THB I once did a friend’s taxes (federal, state and city) while I was drunk. It was a bet. I got dinner out of it.
One I witnessed was a college friend being so trashed he was convinced a Port-a-Potty was taunting him so he decided to take a full sprint and tackle it. He got knocked flat on his ass. It was great.
I had a friend do that with trash cans, on more than one occasion.