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Trees are blooming, pools are opening, days are warming, birds are singing, the sun is shining, and everyone is getting excited for summer. Along with summer comes less traffic, vacations, and other benefits of schools being on summer break. But the best benefit of summer break? Interns.
Remember the stress of trying to find a summer job? Whether you were carrying golf clubs, waiting tables, or making way too much money while telling other college kids to go sell more knives (me), there’s one summer job that can’t compare: being an intern. Some interns actually get to do job tasks like simple programming, maybe some web design, or marketing and other social media. However, a lot of interns are stuck filing, cleaning, and doing other unnecessary errands. Lucky for us, gone are the days of being an unpaid slave, and here are the days of being a paid slave. The best part of being a postgrad? Hazing the interns. Let’s break down some of the best ways to make a college kid’s summer miserable.
Unnecessary Tasks
At first thought, you may be thinking of going on coffee runs, organizing stuff for no reason, or maybe grabbing lunch. I want you to think deeper. Send the intern on a coffee run with all the wrong orders and then get mad when they come back. Make them clean out your car. Don’t just have them go pick up lunch; give them a long grocery list, have them go to the store, and make them make everyone lunch when they return to the office. The most important thing is to keep the intern busy, so give them whatever unnecessary task you can think of.
Public Embarrassment
The kids are already going to be shy enough to be surrounded by adults on the daily grind. That is why it is important that you make the first day a living hell for the intern. Put a whoopee cushion in their chair, actually no. Don’t even let them have a chair, make them stand up all day. Make them wear a ridiculous outfit and go get coffee or lunch. Tell them to go to another department to deliver a message or something and make sure that the other department has no idea that they are coming. Last summer we had an intern, and one guy ordered 500 business cards that were just an embarrassing picture of the intern, his name, and phone number. They are scattered all over the building.
Dehumanize Them
Call them “Intern” and nothing else. Never mention their name, never say hello, and don’t even make eye contact. When they walk into a room, do not acknowledge them. When they ask you a question, they must always refer to you as “Sir/Madam” and maybe “Master/Lord” if you’re a true psychopath. If you have multiple interns, number them as if they are marathon runners (and make them run marathons in the parking lot in the July heat too). Do not let the interns converse with each other and lock them in a dark hot room (maybe a basement) where you play miserable songs on repeat all day long while they do pointless tasks. Turn them into mindless robots.
These three categories are the underlying themes needed to haze your interns, but the grand finale is the big kicker. When August rolls around, your interns will be borderline dead. They will be ready to head back to school, so you should send them off in a good way. One last test before they go back to actually enjoying their life. Tell the interns you will be having a going-away dinner at a local restaurant (one where you are friendly with the owner). Act like it’s a big party for them and order drinks, appetizers, and everything else. I’m talking top shelf liquor, crab and lobster, steak, and anything you can imagine. Laugh with the interns and show them you are actually a decent person. They will soon forget the previous months’ hazing and they will trust you and enjoy the night. Then, as soon as their guard is down, flip the tables over and make a huge mess. Scream at all of them like the worthless interns they are and walk out of the restaurant. Since they’ve spent the past few months working for nothing (unpaid internships duh), they will have no money to cover the bill. Your friend who runs the restaurant will make them clean for 10 days straight to cover the cost of your elaborate meal (including the mess you made on the way out). Then they will all be late going back to college and all their friends will think they disappeared. You officially ruined their summer.
Just kidding. Don’t do that. But make sure you have some fun messing with your interns. .
Image via Shutterstock
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@delph_13
@gdelph13
gdelph
Someone misses their days as Pledge Master
I like to give them the office tour and make them feel welcome by telling them the truth instead of the glazed over run down they got from the sub-human HR generalist. I usually walk them into the break room and show them the coffee maker and say this will be your only friend here. Then I walk them through the hallways and point to random shit and tell them what it is until I get to the window and then I turn to them and say this will be a good window to look out of and contemplate jumping after you’ve worked your 75th hour this week while only getting paid for 40 of them. Then I take them to their cubicle space and tell them that this is ultimately where your dreams and your health go to die slowly as you race against time and your thoughts to try and muster up the motivation to go workout in attempts to prolong your life just so you can sit here longer all while trying to work really hard to get that promotion but then you realize that the next level will only be filled if the guy above you retires or dies.
Did you guys kill Intern Denis? Just come clean.
This is an open invitation for Denis to come work for me. First sidewalk slammer is on me too.
Our intern coordinator is a BYU alum who only hires other BYU students. Last intern was 20 and married. I said “you mean you couldn’t even drink at your own wedding….oh right” and then never bothered to talk to him again.
Ahh summer where all the hot interns who want to work at the Capitol come to Washington
via GIPHY
One of the only perks of DC is getting to mess with other people’s interns out in the wild. No, I don’t think your skirt is inappropriately short. Also, keep wearing your Capitol intern badge while you’re out at the bar, it will get you laid and definitely won’t cause people to accidentally spill their drinks on you.
nothing better than seeing an intern attempting to skip a line at the penn starbucks, flash their badge say “i work on the hill” and get booed out of the place
I feel like we should get drinks and do everything you described above
Count me in
Where’s the dang DM system for PGP commenters
I’m about to be an intern on the Hill. I’m a veteran and 24. I feel like I’m going to hate everything.
Wouldn’t recommend going into it thinking that. It’s not for everyone, but a good place to work if you get the right member/staff. Work hard, don’t be an annoying try-hard, you’ll be fine and meet good people.
All depends on who you work for buddy but be prepared for the college kids
See you guys on the summer reception circuit
Good on ya, Delph. I both laughed multiple times and recalled the glory days when TFM kinda sorta applied to my life.
Couldn’t read the article. Too preoccupied with how skinny the woman’s arms are in the stock photo.
Don’t feed the interns is a rule. Without rules we’d all be monkeys up in a tree flinging our crap at each other.
*skeleton’s arms
Shortly after this, they snapped and spilled spilled all the coffee. Thus, revoking all chair privileges
Hazing for public accounting interns – tell them to go find a box of tickmarks. The look of indecision and terror sweeps their face because they remember learning that word in Accounting 310 but at the moment they have no clue what you’re talking about.
Best I’ve heard of: Send the intern inventory all the trees and bushes around the client’s campus.
I have done this to several interns. Get the partner involved and have them ask the partner where to find them
Someone at our firm created an Excel file with a macro that changed your background to a My Little Pony picture, which then got sent to all the interns.
This is practically a sport in the world of accounting. Things I have seen..
-Convincing the intern the printer is voice activated
-Convincing the intern to schedule a time with the client to count intangible assets
-Convincing the intern that ducks on the front lawn are “inventory”, tagged, and the tag number needs to be documented
-Flipping the display presentation on the interns computer upside-down and them typing upside down
The list goes on