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The stock market can be cruel and unpredictable. Unless you’re willing to do a lot of research, and are able to stick with it when the market tumbles, it’s hard out there for the general folk to make any significant money in the market. But what if I introduced a stock that every single one of us is akin to? I’m talking about our sex lives. What if our sex life was a publicly traded company? How can we profit off of it? I’m here to bring you the foolproof guide to making cold, hard cash off your sexy time.
When To Buy
Just Ended A Relationship
Some of you might be wondering why on earth I would be telling you to buy the stock when you’re most likely going to be going on a dry spell that could last until you finally decide to hop on Bumble/Tinder and test the waters again. It’s simple. You’re at a low point right now. Your nights will most likely end with a box of Goldfish and your right hand. But it’s a perfect opportunity. There is blood in the streets and you’re ready to turn a quick buck once you get your edge back.
Started Working Out Again
So you finally decided to get back in shape. Listen, I’ve been there. When I tore my rotator cuff, I let myself go pre-surgery and post-surgery. I was a shell of my former self and the ladies weren’t digging it. So I decided to take back the reigns and whip myself into shape. Getting back into shape takes some time, but once it starts to show, the opposite sex is going to be all over you. This one is definitely a long play that will pay off handsomely.
Moved To A New City
Whether it’s a job transfer, a new job, or just moving for a fresh start, you’re not going to know anyone. Not knowing anyone is going to have a negative effect on your sex life, which makes this the perfect time to buy. As soon as you get to your new destination, you’ll start getting acclimated to the scene until all of a sudden you’re on a hot streak that can’t be stopped and you’re making it rain fun coupons on all everybody.
When To Sell
On A Hot Streak
You’ve been crushing it for a while now. It seems that every weekend, you’re rolling in the sheets with someone new (or old). As the laws of physics state though, what goes up must come down. Your hot streak will eventually come to an end. You can only ride the wave for so long before it comes crashing down in your face. So go ahead and sell off your shares now while the market is hot.
Boy’s/Girl’s Weekend
Look, I get it. Your friends want to go out and have some fun. You think that means meeting boys/girls and possibly making a little bit of sexy time. The reality is that you and your friends are too busy getting your drink on, talking about the good times, and members of the opposite sex are on the backburner. Plus, you have the whole logistics game. If you’re rolling with a squad 5-deep, you have to find an opposite gender squad equal to that. Your stock will plummet during this weekend. Especially if it’s a getaway weekend.
Not a terrible straddle option on the off chance you do get some.
Just Got Married
I mean, your sex life is basically done after the honeymoon. Might be time to delist it all together. .
Image via YouTube
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Harrison Lee
Harrison is a Content Manager at Grandex. When he's not working for the man, you can find him on the golf course or blowing his paycheck doubling down on red. LinkedIn profile
@HMontgomery_
Can I get a list of the ten best cities for millennials to have sex in? Thanks.
I’d definitely be a penny stock. PGP
being a penny stock PGP
What exactly are you contributing here?
After a break up is a terrible time to buy. It’s too late at that point. The stock will be at its 52-week high. Much better to buy when you notice the couple start to fight in public. The price will be low enough for a good buy-in opportunity, and you won’t have to wait that long before you see your bump in the value.
Disagree. That couple still might have makeup sex, then eventual breakup sex so the price would be high compared to the equity left in the sex life. Once you break it off for good and have that breakup sex, it’ll drop.
This is a weird argument you two are having
The best time is when you are trying to have intercourse with a lady friend and some other guy comes up and tickles your balls from behind.
Dad?
Getting married is akin to junk bond status
Agreed. The interest rates are high, but the payments are anything but guaranteed.
As someone who knows next to nothing about the stock market, I was very pleasantly surprised at the humor in this article. Not much makes me smile on Tuesday mornings, but this column did.
Trapdoor Tuesday.
Unfortunately been an RSU since 2007, vesting date of probably never. #married
Except when the wife decides she’s ready for a baby. Then she’s willing to try just about anything to keep things from getting boring.
Married: buy for dividends and not earnings. The sex is consistant, not super hot and not super cold.
Marriage: the sexual equivalent of Exelon?
Here’s your keys to the stock market: modern portfolio theory (broadly diversify, add more fixed income as you get older), and efficient market hypothesis (don’t try to outguess or time the market, you can’t.) Just get some low cost mutual funds (what up Vanguard) and wait.