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“How’d your date go?” you innocently ask hoping it wasn’t a complete trainwreck. You probably don’t care very much in the first place, but there are social queues you have to obey if you want people to like you.
“Oh my God,” she leads with, in a tone that can only be taken as horrifying. “There’s, like, no way we’ll go out again. He was so awkward.”
And just like that, he’s gone. Done. Finito. Kaputt. All because he stuttered through a few answers before the entrees arrived, had a joke or two that fell flat, and accidentally went in for a kiss after misreading the entire situation. This type of guy can’t catch any breaks because ever since high school he’s been inadvertently hitting girls in the side of the head at the movies when trying to put his arm around them half-way through.
Many people consider hubris (or “excessive pride” for those uncultured swines unfamiliar with Aristotle) to be a man’s fatal flaw, but it actually seems like it’s quite the contrary as most women find unwavering confidence as being somewhat sexy. I’ve heard more than one girl admit that a guy is hotter when he has “just the right amount of douchiness to him.” But once a man’s awkwardness enters the picture, it’s a no-questions-asked, all-bets-are-off dealbreaker.
And that same guy who’s victimized by his social anxiety probably signs onto the dating app of the moment only to see bio after bio reading, “fluent in sarcasm,” “wine is bae,” and “socially awkward.”
They find something endearing about priding themselves on being awkward. After every uncomfortable barroom interaction with a guy that doesn’t go their way, they proudly blame it on their token awkwardness before moving onto the next one. There’s a pride and an arrogance around being the Zooey Deschanel of the group, whereas any guy with any awkward note in his body is viewed as a future 40-Year-Old Virgin or every Michael Cera character ever (but in a non-endearing way).
There’s a sexism behind being awkward. There’s some type of hand gesture that girls use that symbolizes an “awkward turtle” which I still really don’t understand. Hell, there’s even an entire MTV show dedicated to being awkward.
I’m not an awkward guy, but with that being said, I normally made my money by nailing a first date only to turn into turn into a piece of shit later. Sure, I may clam up a bit when I first meet people I don’t know, but that’s nothing a few vodka-sodas and icebreakers can’t fix. And in all honestly, I’m probably silently judging a newcomer in an attempt to figure out if I even want to get to know them before I begin the motions of accepting them into my circle of trust. But I do feel for those dudes who are, in fact, awkward.
Imagine being a 25-year-old single in Chicago who decided to put “awkward, my favorite place is my bed, overly sarcastic.” You’d imagine some twerp who oversleeps and is a drunkenly sarcastic dick after he takes down a couple whiskey-gingers. So nah, you’re not matching with him because you’d rather have a smooth talking guy with a Sudeikis-y sense of humor. Awkwardness is only coveted on one side of the mirror.
But I’m also the guy who can’t be in public if there’s too many people around, so what do I know? .
Image via Shutterstock
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Will
Will (Twitter / Instagram) is the host of The Sunday Scaries Podcast.
@willdefries
@willdefries
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People can’t be funny, smart and confident 100% of the time. It’s just not possible. Accept a little awkwardness, folks.
I never used to get called awkward til girls started considering micropenises dorky
Bravo. Awkward is so overused. Saying “I’m so awkward” is just a shield people use to make themselves feel better when something awkward actually happens to them. Same way people describe themselves as “sarcastic” thinking it gives them a pass when they’re being a dick. Sometimes there is silence on first dates. It’s not awkward, it’s two people who just met each other 15 minutes ago.
I know nothing about dating, but I’ll say this: Mary Magdalene was awkward as fuck. Not in a good way either.
She stood over your empty tomb crying because your body wasn’t there and you had the gall to ask her “Woman, why are you crying?” Jesus, you’re a sarcastic, sexist dick.
I’m just calling it as I see it
“Look man, no one asked you to start washing people’s feet. It’s making everyone else kinda uncomfortable.” – Judas, probably.
Everyone is a little awkward, which is obviously fine, but proclaiming it as something endearing about yourself a-la Zooey Deschanel in New Girl is annoying AF.
It’s like you combined every single adult interaction I’ve ever had and put it in word form. Well done DeFries
Yeah, it’s really awkward when you go on a date and accidentally fart at the table and then she looks at you like a murderer. Then, in order to save the situation you say, “I only came her with you because I really wanted to try the fish tacos here but I didn’t wanna look like a loser by sitting alone in public.”
I’m a fan of the awkward guy. Yea it’s endearing which is kinda cute and all, but more importantly it gives you a free pass for anything awkward you do, AND puts you in the power position thus you win the date.
Am I the only one who thought they were having a stroke when they read the double “to turn into” typo? Otherwise good stuff.
Sorry I’m a little awkward when I take you out and you sit there and play on your phone the whole time after you spent all week telling me how excited you were. I don’t really feel like talking to the top of your head