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Tired of living life like a loser? Do you feel like a white-collar eunuch castrated by your own desk chair? Buy a fucking hot tub.
You need to GET BACK IN THE GAME. You just got your Christmas bonus. WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU WAITING FOR?
Don’t go straight to the bank. Don’t expand your portfolio. And for the love of god, don’t let that 10% of your salary collect interest. 10% isn’t shit compared to the 100% more ass you’ll be getting in a GOD DAMNED HOT TUB.
No Holiday Bonus? Probably because your boss knows you’re a no-hot-tub-having Munson. But fuck him, you’ll be ready for next year…because you can still buy this inflatable hot tub for under 400 bucks.
LOOK AT THIS MOTHERFUCKER.
That guy on the left, that’s you. That guy on the right? That’s one of your boys. The honeys are babes you don’t even know. They practically come with the fucking thing. They don’t, but they’ll come flocking once they hear the autopump fire up and catch sight of you struggling with that rusty hose spicket you haven’t turned in 7 years.
LOOK AT THIS PICTURE.
Tell me right now you won’t be switch-hitting these babes like god damned Chipper Jones after just 5 minutes with your hot tub jets blasting. You will be a legend. They will change the movie I AM LEGEND to be about a dude that saves a post-apocalyptic world from mass destruction by slaying pussy in his hot tub. Wait a minute….
IS YOUR BOY DONNY FUCKING HATING?
Look at that smug motherfucker. Look at his stupid face, it just screams “you really bought an inflatable hot tub with your Christmas bonus?” He doubted you when you bought the hot tub, now his wife is moving a little closer to you. You’re a mean, green (inflatable hot-tub), cuckolding machine. YOU STOLE DONNY’S WIFE. Donny will be busy drowning himself in your hot tub while you’re drowning in his wife. Every time he looks at his kids all he will see is this…
You’re the new face of Satan in Donny’s personal dark downward spiral. Years later he will wonder where it all wrong. WHEN YOU STARTED DOUBTING THE HOT TUB, HATER.
If your new status as a wife-fucking pimp isn’t quite suiting your fancy, it’s probably because you say “this doesn’t suit my fancy,” Leslie. But let’s just prance on over to the details anyways, maybe you’ll decide to lose the skirt on the way.
– Pamper yourself, and DONNY’S WIFE, in relaxing heated water surrounded by soothing bubble jets.
– Lay-Z-Massage System: so god damned lazy we took the Z out of lazy and put it at the end of the word and added a fucking hyphen in the middle. But who cares, it might as well be called the LAY-D system because that’s all you’ll be doing when you get this bad boy.
– Rapid Heating System: This isn’t a feature; it’s just what the honeys’ pants will be doing as soon as they see you have a fucking hot tub.
– Integrated Water Filtration
The only reason this shit isn’t 5 stars is because 17 out of 178 people writing reviews are bitching about how they lost their wife to one.
IN CLOSING. BUY THIS HOT TUB AND START LIVING THE LIFE YOU’VE ALWAYS WANTED WHILE SIMULTANEOUSLY RUINING DONNY’S. .
Grandex may receive a commission on purchases.
Image via Shutterstock
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jakewgoldman
Grandex Marketing Manager, Snack Enthusiast, Lover, Gator.
@JakeWGoldman
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JakeWGoldman
What Christmas bonus? PGP.
Getting a Christmas bonus is the least believable part of this article
I credit losing my virginity freshman year of high school because my parents’ house had a hot tub. There isn’t an easier way to get a lady friend to take off nearly all of their clothes than a hot tub. A little music, a few mixed drinks, bada bing bada boom.
Not gonna lie… I want the hot tub now
That was an aggressive article
If I got 10% of my salary as a bonus, I absolutely would.
Anybody else read this in Tony Perkis’ voice?
Sold.
There’s a guy in South Dakota that just got one…. It’s in his living room. Tell me that’s classy, and I’ll call you an idiot.