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Yes, you probably look just fine when you walk in to the office every morning. Hell, you probably look pretty similar to just about every other Tom, Dick, and Harry that works with you. And no, you probably haven’t asked for my advice or constructive criticism on the matter, but the fact remains: most of you are stuck in a postgrad style rut.
Fortunately, you’re in the hands of a professional. Follow 5 easy steps, and people will notice you for your chiseled jaw line and incredible ingenuity rather than noticing you because you look like a 7-year-old playing dress-up in his dad’s closet.
1. THE OFFICE ISN’T A GOLF COURSE
This is not okay.
I know you really, really want it to be, and it’s totally awesome that you got to play Pebble last spring, or that your best friend got you a polo when he was at the Masters this year, but when it looks like you’ve probably got your beat up Titleist glove hanging out your back pocket, I just can’t take you seriously. I realize this is an extremely common, if not ubiquitous look, in offices around the country, but that’s part of the problem. When you look like every other dude at the water cooler, it’s impossible to stand out. Lose the oversized Dri-Fit polo, lose the gaudy tipped belt, and for the love of god, lose the pleats. Your wives and girlfriends will thank you, I promise. I cannot stress that last part enough: Lose the fucking pleats.
2. BUY CLOTHES THAT FIT
If your shirt looks like this, drop whatever you’re doing and sprint to a tailor.
Most of you guys are not morbidly obese, so stop buying clothes that would suggest otherwise. Do you know why old dudes love Brooks Brothers? Because the classic BB dress shirt is cut for 60-year-old corporate fat cats with a 38-inch waist and a Jabba-the-Hut-sized gut. Memorize this term and do not let it scare you: “Slim-Fit.” I know, I know, this is terrifying, but start buying slim-fit shirts and slim-fit pants and slim-fit fucking pajamas, man. Yes, you need a slim-fit. YES, YOU TOO! If your shirt is muffin-topping over your pants, there is a problem. When you tuck in a shirt, if you have enough extra fabric billowing around your back that you could pitch a tent with it, that shirt does not fit you. If your pants require a belt to stay properly around your waist, they are the wrong size. If the leg opening of your pants covers so much of your shoe that I can only see the toe box, they are too goddamn big. Making this change might not feel comfortable at first, but give it six months and you will wonder why nobody told you to do this, like, 4 years ago. You’re going to look more athletic and more mature, you’re going to feel more put together, you’re going to cut a more striking figure, and people will take notice.
3. INVEST IN YOUR SHOES
This is what you’re going for. Classic and versatile.
It’s common knowledge that one of the first things women notice about a guy are his shoes. We check out cup-size, they check out feet. This is because your shoes speak volumes about your personality, about how you carry yourself, about the type of man you are. This is not to say that a girl will ignore you because you have on your old boat shoes at the bar on Saturday afternoon. This is to say that even if you’re at happy hour on a Wednesday, and you’re nailing everything else about your look and your game (be it with your boss or an attractive coworker), if one of them looks down and sees a pair of black, square-toed Skechers from 2001, you will lose any goodwill and credibility you had just built. I swear it to be true. You don’t have to drop a G on a pair of benchmade John Lobb’s, but buy a pair of well-made brown lace-ups that you can wear with anything from a suit to a pair of jeans. You will get what you pay for, so choose the nicest pair you can afford. Don’t go with something too Italian and sleek, don’t go with something too clunky and casual.
4. LET THE WRANGLERS GO
Slim, dark, done.
Before you scream blasphemy, hear me out. I’m not telling you to throw them away. (Side-note: Anything overly distressed, boot-cut, or baggy, I am telling you to throw away.) You’ll still need them for a shit-kicking concert, going out to the ranch, hunting, mowing the lawn, and for when your girlfriend wants you to role-play as a handsome, but rugged, bull rider. They are not, however, okay for going out or wearing on casual Friday. You need to upgrade your denim game, and doing so is a lot easier than it sounds. Here are the requirements for your new jeans: They should be dark, they should be a slim-straight cut, they should fit you snugly but comfortably at the waist, and they should be properly hemmed. That’s it! Walk in to any store you’re comfortable with, give them those details, try them on, walk out with new jeans. Next issue.
5. CHOP THE MOP
Just ask for the Draper.
Yeah, office style concerns more than clothing and footwear, bro. It would also be nice if you took a shower every once in a while and groomed yourself properly, you Sasquatch, but first, let’s focus on the moneymaker. That hair of yours is gorgeous, so why are you still paying $8 to let the meth-addicted beauty school dropout fuck it up at Sports Clips? Get a real haircut, dude. If you are paying less than $10, it’s not a real haircut. Find a good barber or a well-reviewed salon and pony up the $20 to $60 that a nice cut requires. It will be worth it. Even if you do the best fucking TPS reports anybody has ever seen, you’re not going to get promoted with that shaggy mess on top of your head. Keep it neat and clean, and when all else fails, just tell the stylist or barber that you want to look like an extra on Mad Men.
Respond
Barrett Dudley
Barrett may never own a house, but you should see his shoe collection. E-mail him with any style questions: barrett@grandex.co
@barrettdudley
@barrettdudley
barrettdudley
barrettdudley@gmail.com
Well apparently I’m fatter than everybody this guy knows.
I don’t know, the whole rolled-up designer jean thing seems a little queer to me.
It’s a lot queer.
Cuffing a pair of jeans originated about the same time denim was invented. Jeans came in one length and were intended as workwear. The working men that wore them would roll them up so that they were a comfortable length. It’s now a popular look among all sorts of guys.
Also, the brand of your denim isn’t important. The fit and style is. J.Crew and Gap both make pairs of jeans that look great and fit extremely well. I would hardly label those stores “designer.” I’m not suggesting you have to wear something with gaudy stitching on the butt pockets. In fact, I discourage it.
Spot on.
It kind of sounds like you’re saying J. Crew and Gap have similar quality of clothes, which is absolutely ridiculous. And if J. Crew isn’t “designer” then it’s about as close as you can get.
It may “kind of sound” like that’s what I’m saying, but it’s not what I’m saying. J.Crew does a great job of making clothes for the exact demographic that this site aims for. The style is accessible, the prices aren’t absurdly high, the quality is decent, and the clothes are modern and on-trend without being “trendy.” J.Crew is not, however, “designer.”
Thank you. -Women everywhere.
Not the wranglers…
This column is spot on, well done. Much better than the guide to buying a suit one the other day.
For #2, to avoid your shirt untucking itself, invest the $10 or so on a pair of shirt stays http://www.amazon.co.uk/Shirt-Stays-Garters-Socks-Straight/dp/B003YHNA1C. Tip I learned in military school.
My FTO told me to buy these for my patrolman uniform. Changed my life.
One side clips to the socks?
You bet. Sounds uncomfortable, but its really not.
http://www.bonobos.com
I’ve never felt so out-of-touch before.
Maybe we should Project Upgrade you for a column?
I’ll volunteer for that, as long as you don’t cuff the jeans to my knees
I promise to not even cuff your jeans at all.
Golf attire is standard daytime wardrobe for the Cheverere clan, isn’t it?
You essentially play Golden Tee and surf the internet for a living. I am not entirely sure why you seem surprised.
Nowhere can you get a haircut for under $10 anymore. Even the cheap barber shop next to the local university where I’m from has a “late night special” where they offer cuts for $10. Everywhere else (Great Clips, Sports Clips, Hair Cuttery, etc) is going to be on average $18, and anywhere good is going to be upwards of $30.
You just flat out shouldn’t be going to one of the chains. You are almost never going to get what you want, and you sure as hell won’t find any consistency at those places. I think you can find a good barber for $20-$30. A nice cut and style at a salon, $30 and up. Also depends on what city you’re in.
When I worked in NC, I had a great place that not only gave a consistently good cut, but the girls giving them were in the 8-9/10 range and you got a craft beer of your choosing while you got your cut. Now I can’t find a decent haircut, much less all those perks.
I’m in a Baltimore suburb and have the consistency of going to the same barber for 15 years. Still, I pay $25, plus a $5 tip. It’s worth it – I would never trust some hack at a chain.
I go to a nice barber in the skywalk that only does men’s cuts, and is completely full from open to close every day. He charges $15, and it’s the best haircut I’ve ever had in my life.
This is a rare find, however, and in a smaller city. In any case, I agree with the “don’t go to chains” sentiment.
My guy is a Korea war vet in his mid-70’s. Charges $10 and its a great cut, does a straight-shave too if you ask.
Now where’s my advice for betting on college football, Dick?