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A few years ago, the name “Justin Bieber” was a pariah; to quote White Goodman, it was a “skidmark on the underpants of society.” From a career standpoint, unless you were a teenage girl or anyone making money off him, you hated the excrement that poured from his mouth. His songs were a driving factor in many completely giving up on listening to radio, as they all sounded like an audible abortion. Boosted by the guidance of Usher (Why Usher, why? You did Confessions, but then made Bieber? How and why?) the Biebs vomited his auto-tuned disasters all over the airwaves, even going as far as dragging good people down with him. “Word of Mouf” was one of my favorite albums of all time, and after hearing Ludacris teaming up with Bieber, I sat in a closet and cried while listening to “Rollout” on repeat.
As bad as the music he was throwing out was, his personal life made it look like he was Sinatra. Bieber chose to roll around with a group of fellow teenagers that dubbed themselves the “Wild Boyz.” Yes, with a fucking Z. That crew, from my understanding, contained uber-successful Bieber, followed by like 19 wannabe rappers; including one named “Lil’ Za,” who aside from getting arrested for a felony in Bieber’s house, also appears to be the rapper name of a personal pizza.
These degenerates (And not degenerates in a good way, like you and all your friends), spent their time sipping lean, egging houses, and pissing in mop buckets. You know, like complete assholes.
Bieber also found himself as a poor man’s Drake in a sports world. While both notorious bandwagoners, Drake assimilated into athlete culture fairly well, as he was well liked by athletes and had the professional clout to be fairly unquestioned (We found out this year that if you question Drake, he murders your career in 2 ½ minutes). Bieber on the other hand… just look at this shit. Lip gloss and a leather t-shirt. The only athlete wanting to hang with Bieber was Floyd Mayweather, who coincidently, is also a piece of shit. Not only was he a travesty in the sports world, but he also managed to fuck up a relationship with Selena Gomez.
Now don’t get me wrong; all men secretly wished they had a taste of that life. Zero fucks, models all over you, basically printing money with terrible music. Bieber was taking full advantage, but he was looking like a real dumbass while doing it.
He for the most part stopped putting out music, and all things looked like they were headed toward Bieber ending up a heavily tattooed former star known more for his arrest record than his subpar music. I didn’t know anyone who didn’t think Justin Bieber was worthless.
The Comedy Central Roast of Justin Bieber was described (by him) as a way to start anew and get rid of the bad. The rest of us just viewed it as a wonderful way to watch funny people shit on Bieber for a few hours and then let him get back to being awful. That kid sat there and endured his share of shit; everyone from Ron Burgandy to Martha Stewart got to verbally raw-dog him. As I turned off the program, I still felt that this was the beginning of the end for the Biebs.
But, out of the auto-tuned ashes, a skinny little kid from Canada may be on the rise.
It started subtly. He released a song singing over Skrillex’s usual array of loud noises that really wasn’t too shabby. Eh, touché Bieber, “Where Are U Now” wasn’t horrifying, at least compared to your past transgressions to music. But still. We all knew an arrest was coming soon, or another absolutely garbage song, or another hooker outing you for banging hookers.
All of a sudden, he hit us like an oncoming skinny Canadian train. Biebs dropped “What Do You Mean” and everything changed. That song was and still is straight fire. You loved it, I loved it, Will deFries really loved it, and everyone else loved it. The Bieber bandwagon started to pick up some steam. People started to come out of the woodwork, and grown adults capable of making their own decisions were actually able to say, “You know, that Bieber song is actually a fucking jam.” I’d be lying if I didn’t tell you I’ve blasted it in my car multiple times. But, I figured if you get a million chances to make something decent, you’re bound to have at least one song that is pretty decent.
Boom. Justin dropped “Sorry” and shut me the fuck up. That song is a jam too. I’m listening to it right now. On repeat? Yeah, maybe. Point is, he’s solidified himself. The guy is putting out some solid tunes, and we’re all fans now. If you’re hating on Bieber’s music now, you’re in the minority and need to get on board. I commonly complain about how shitty new music is now, but this new Bieber stuff is getting the Crash seal of approval. Play it in your car, play it at your wedding; I’m telling you right now, you better play it at my funeral. Point is, Justin is spitting hot fire with those pipes right now, even going as far to showcase that he actually has the pipes without auto-tune.
On the subject of that Ellen video, after doing a quick bit of Bieber research, I’ve discovered that he’s quietly become a favorite of America’s comedian/talk show host, and he’s… he’s actually kind of likable now because of it. Somehow, Bieber’s managed to put his reputation on the upswing and stay out of trouble (for his standards). It’s bizarre, but the guy has really turned things around on his perception, partly through fire music and partly through not being such a dick.
I mean, the guy even had dick pics leak, and it worked out for him! That almost never happens, but with all this momentum all we could say was “Bieber’s Dick Though”. If that’s not a sign that he’s killing it right now, I don’t know what is.
Now, never underestimate the guy. Tomorrow he could get a DWI with another call girl riding shotgun. while simultaneously releasing an EDM track duet with Pitbull and Florida Georgia Line, but for now, Bieber’s table is hot. We could be staring at a guy who’s not someone to hate, but someone to count on. At this point, it’s not out of the question to expect to one day hear, “When the fuck is the Biebs going to drop a new track?” The Bieber #HypeTrain is getting going, and Crash is hopping on board. I think Will deFries simply summed it up the best:
“What Do You Mean: Fire”
“Sorry: Fire”
“Justin Bieber: Fire” .
Image via YouTube
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Kyle Bandujo
The artist formerly known as Crash Davis. My kid doesn't think I'm funny.
@kylebandujo
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‘What Do You Mean’ is bad and you should all feel bad. I hope this kid dies in a dumpster fire. Fuck with me.
I gave you a “nice work” because I find your animosity refreshing.
Agree. Can’t stand that douche bag.
If by “Renaissance,” you mean, “sounding generic enough that people don’t know it’s Bieber anymore,” then yes, I’d agree with you.
I’d probably add the FloRida and Biebs EDM track to my run playlist if I’m being honest with myself… and I kind of hate myself for it.
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Crash, did you just throw shade at Pitbull?
I just can’t hop on that bandwagon. By all accounts he’s a good dude, but his music upsets my ears.
Some of his jokes at the roast were fire if you got the chance to watch it. Granted, he more than likely didn’t write them. But at least he didn’t fuck up the delivery. And that’s all he has had to do since then. The people he is working with to write and produce his music just get it. I bought my ticket to the Bieber hype trian and never looked back.
Listen to his acoustic version of as long as you love me. Fire
I don’t pretend to get mad about Bieber’s antics; he has acted like any 17-22 year old kid with a billion dollars would.
But his music is straight trash.
Did this switch from being a funny account to someone’s real account? What the fuck is going on, can you at least leave entertaining comments?