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The following is a conversation that transpired at Flow, a local juice bar located downtown.
Juicer: Hello! Welcome to Flow!
Girl: Hiiiiiiiiiii.
Juicer: Anything I can help you with today?
Girl: Sooooo, yeah. I’m, like, looking to do a juice cleanse?
Juicer: Absolutely, what type are you looking to do?
Girl: …types?
Juicer: Okay, so this is your first one?
Girl: No, no, I’ve thought of doing one before.
Juicer: When did you do your last cleanse?
Girl: Okay, so yeah, I’ve never done one.
Juicer: Ha! It’s okay! Totes no presh here. I’m not judging you.
Girl: I knooooow. I’ve just wanted to do one for so long but my busy schedule has just always gotten in the way. Weddings, am I right?
Juicer: I know, trust me. I’ve been to a million this year.
Girl: It’s like, helloooo, when is it our turn? You know?
Juicer: Uhhhhh, anyway… what are you looking to get out of this cleanse?
*Both pause as she runs the actual reason through her head — she wants to lose weight*
Girl: I just feel like I want to get all these toxins out.
*Motions her hand in a circular motion over her stomach*
Girl: I’ve just been eating so terribly lately that, like, I just need this to get back to neutral.
Juicer: Oh, for sure! I totally get it. We’ve got a few options for you — a one-day “fresh start” package, a three-day “lifestyle” cleanse, and a five-day “core” cleanse. Since you’re a beginner, I’d recommend either the one-day or the three-day.
*She begins thinking about how much weight she’ll lose if she does the five-day*
Girl: Okay… I think I want to do the three-day then…
Juicer: Okay, awesome. If you come over here, we’ve got a few different flavors for you to try throughout the process. All of our ingredients are organic, and all of our juices are made in-house. Are there any that stick out to you?
Girl: Well, like, I eat a ton of kale, goji berries, avos, carrots, cucumber, and spinach…
Juicer: Oh, girl, what are you worried about? Sounds like you’re a clean eater!
*Girl thinks about the meat lovers pizza she split with Todd after last call while they waited for surge pricing to go down on Saturday*
Girl: Okay, well I think I want to go with the… Glow, Green, Pure, Fuel, and… the Bright? Are those like, normal? What do most people get?
Juicer: Yeah, yeah, those are phenom picks, they all go perfectly together. So you’ll just drink one of these every three hours from when you wake up in the morning to when you go to bed at night. Your movements will vary based on how your body reacts to the different juices and–
Girl: Wait, my movements?
Juicer: Yes, your movements.
Girl: Like, my…
Juicer: Yes, your–
Girl: Okay, okay, ewww. I get it. Ew. Can I ask a few other questions about this?
Juicer: Yeah, shoot.
Girl: Can I eat, like, anything?
Juicer: Well, for the best results, I’d suggest that you just stick with the juices.
Girl: Not even, like, kale chips?
Juicer: Again, I’d recommend you stick with the juices.
Girl: Can I drink?
Juicer: Outside of the juices, I advise that you stick with water.
Girl: Vodka?
Juicer: No.
*Fuck*
Girl: Champagne?
Juicer: No.
*Fuck*
Girl: Wine?
Juicer: No.
*Fuck*
Girl: Coffee?
Juicer: Okay, yes, you can have one cup of coffee but I wouldn’t do any more than that.
Girl: All work, no play makes me dull girl, right?
Juicer: Uh, yeah, sure. You may get a little irritable but that’s probs just because you’re hungry.
Girl: Ugh, my boyfriend is going to killlllll me.
*Giggles*
Juicer: Anyway, here’s a pamphlet that will explain everything to you. Here, it says if you get hungry — “The best foods to consume are raw fruits and veggies, half an avocado, a baked sweet potato, or broth-based soups.”
*She looks panicked, but optimistic regarding the weight loss*
Juicer: Remember, this isn’t a weight loss program. It’s to reset your system and rejuvenate you.
Girl: But, like, I’ll totally lose weight? Right? Wink, wink, nudge, nudge.
Juicer: Well, yeah, but you’ll gain it all back once the cleanse is over.
Girl: Not like, not all of it though, right?
Juicer: Yeahhhhh, probably all of it, tbh.
Girl: Wait, seriously?
Juicer: Seriously.
Girl: Yeahhhh, soooooo, I’ve got a nail appointment, like, five minutes ago. Sooooo I’ll come back and pick this all up and pay for it after! Thanks, bye!
*Breaks eye contact, scurries out, never returns* .
Image via Shutterstock
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Will
Will (Twitter / Instagram) is the host of The Sunday Scaries Podcast.
@willdefries
@willdefries
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This series is the only thing I ever look forward to on Wednesdays PGP.
What is Todd doing? I never know what he’s doing
Dude died in a hand-gliding accident. What an IDIOT.
Whenever I’m about to do something, I think, “Would a girl after graduation do that?” And if they would, I do not do that thing.
Dwight Shrute logic 101
I cringed at “avos.”
Will deFries Wednesdays >
This series, along with 5 PM on Friday, are pretty much my only highlights of the work week.
Is*
You’re a science guy, not a grammar guy
I’m guessing it’s called flow because you shit your brains out like that Henry kid in Boardwalk Empire.
As awesome as this was, nothing beats her interactions with Todd.
Walked into the work kitchen and two women on a cleanse were talking about their “movements.”
after reading this i’m embarrassed that i attempted a juice cleanse 2 weeks ago, thrilled that i failed, miserably, and even happier to see this article getting back to the original things girls do[…] format of making fun of … me, really. keep it up, will, your posts are the highlight of my wednesdays
Admit it. You don’t like the articles with Todd because it reminds you how alone you are.
Relax man, Will’s article series is just satire…