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You need to stop sucking at your job. Yeah, you’re in your twenties and still figuring yourself out, but this is where it starts. No one became Don Draper while spending all of their formative work years with the work ethic of Gob Bluth. Now is the time to step up and become an above-average employee, or you’ll be stuck in the minors of the working world your whole life.
You might be saying, “But Crash, I don’t even know where to start with not sucking at my job.” Let me learn ya somethin: I didn’t study minimally or try and achieve perfect (slightly above mediocre) results without having the knowledge of how to turn it on when the time came. All jobs are different, but for the most part, a few key things remain true.
Stop sucking at dealing with your boss.
Maybe you have the coolest boss on the planet who loves the shit out of you. Maybe you have the psychopathic offspring of Bill Lumbergh and Miranda Priestly (Yeah, I saw The Devil Wears Prada) who wishes the worst on you. More than likely you have somewhere in between, but either way, you aren’t very good at interacting with them. It may be awkward since they are likely older, more experienced, and don’t have much in common with you, but a solid boss-employee relationship goes a long way in being good at your job.
Find common ground.
Just find a way to have an occasional conversation, because if you’re on a level where you can freely talk to your boss, it’s easier to stand up for yourself. If you can’t think of any relatable topics, just ask them about their kids. People love talking about their kids. And that’s coming from someone who loves talking about his kid. No matter how you feel about them, you’ll need this jackass in your corner when you’re making that reference list.
Stop sucking at getting shit done.
Remember, Office Space was a fictional comedy. In real life, if Peter Gibbons was late on all his TPS reports and not using the proper format, he wouldn’t have the clout to completely shut down, stop doing shit, and earn a promotion because he gives the least fucks. He would have been out on his ass with two weeks pay of severance, and Jennifer Aniston would’ve gone back to fucking the other Lumbergh. I can appreciate some quality procrastination as much as anyone. Trust me, huge fan. But at some point you’ve gotta get your shit together. Being lazy with your work assignments is a bit more serious than being late with an essay or two in college.
Find something that gets you going.
I don’t care if you have to throw on a pair of Beats and listen to Lionel Ritchie’s Greatest Hits to get you in the zone. If it works, you party All Night Long and get your damn work done. You can fondly remember the nostalgia of pulling an all-nighter to turn in something barely passable, but you’ll find that your life is a lot better when you’re getting your work done in a reasonable, timely fashion, and it isn’t complete shit. This goes double on a job that’s commission based, because while you may not get fired, if you aren’t on top of your work duties, you’re going to be eating Ramen and living with a Tobias Fuenke-esque roommate your whole life.
Stop knowing jack shit about your job.
Yeah, you’ve probably figured out by now that almost nothing you learned in class is really translating to your line of work. You spend much of your early time at your office confused, unsure, and leaning heavily on your more experienced coworkers. If you wait around for experience to find its way to you, you’ll get to a point where you’re an acceptable employee. But, acceptable employees aren’t destined for success. Experience will come slowly but surely, but you’re not Will Hunting so not everything will come naturally to you. Do whatever you have to do to learn your position inside and out. That includes bugging all the veteran coworkers for info, even your version of Jerry/Gary/Larry Gurgich.
This may not be the job you want to be in the rest of your life, but you owe it to yourself to become a master of it. I don’t care if you’re the low man on the totem pole, you need to be the Jordan Belfort of that position, just without crippling yourself with an addiction to drugs and hookers (unless that’s more up your alley, do what you gotta do, man). You only get one shot at dominating life, so start dominating the fucking office and stop sucking so much. .
Image via Shutterstock
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Kyle Bandujo
The artist formerly known as Crash Davis. My kid doesn't think I'm funny.
@kylebandujo
@bandujokyle
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I once asked my boss about his kids. Turns out he has a whale of a 22 year old and now thinks I’m interested. He even gave her my phone number. I’m so fucked.
Getting her pregnant would probably lock you down with a middle management position for life. Could be a sacrifice worth making.
Life’s too short to marry an ugly woman, especially for a middle management position.
You cant tell me what to do. You aren’t my supervisor.
This actually pumped me up. Now, I’m going to work really really hard. For like, the next 30 minutes or so.
I much prefer the Jim Halpert approach, doing mediocre work, half heartedly, but yet still reaping all the benefits.
Thanks, Dad.
Spot on. Gotta keep making dem #powermoves
On another note, when I’m bored I like to watch Stone Cold and The Rock clips to keep my eyes open at my desk. This is pretty much how it would have gone down with whoever created the fake Pepto account the other week.
WHAT?
My boss hates his job, maybe we can find common ground there?
Fucking ready to get shit done.
…tomorrow
You realize there will be a negative correlation between not sucking at your job and the number of views PGP articles get, right?