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This past Sunday, I spent my day poolside at the W Hotel. I didn’t have to pay the $30 entrance fee, nor did I have to pay a dime for drinks, because a friend of mine is a bartender there, and he hooked us up. However, there were plenty of guys sitting on the rooftop pool who paid their way in and willingly paid $10 for each beer, and $12 for each cocktail, to impress the young, well-defined girls donning skimpy bikinis. These guys aren’t just at the Austin W; these guys are everywhere. Today, we salute you, Mr. $30,000 Millionaire.
Eating nothing but ramen and beans during the week, you’re living the real American dream. You purposefully impoverish yourself during the week so you can spend the weekend living like a CEO. Sure, there are bills to pay, IRAs, and 401Ks to invest in, and groceries to buy, but your keen instincts tell you to keep your eyes on the prize: that blonde in the corner wearing a skintight dress that doesn’t fuck with poors.
You live the ultimate fantasy: bragging about your finance gig, when really you are a bank teller. Showing no shame while spewing inaccurate information as you talk about bond yields to an unknowing bimbo at the bar. It is correct to say the only time you’ve ever been in possession of $5,000 is when you were handed a check that you, in turn, were told to hand to someone else, but no one needs to know that.
For years, you drove around in your parents station wagon until one day the greatest idea ever punched you right in the fucking face: lease a Mercedes! 7-speed dual-clutch transmission, leather seats, a media system with hands-free Bluetooth and iPod connection, and all for rent. Mmmm, now that’s luxury. Kind of like the car your boss has, only you don’t own it.
Because you previously worked as a caddy, you’ve taken the time-honored tradition of golf at the local nice course and made it inexpensive. Because of you, you and your friends can boast about playing on the nicest links in town for the low, low price of $20. Sand shot, after sand shot, flubbed chip, after flubbed chip — you’re not embarrassed even though you’re destroying the beauty of a place that usually costs $200 to play.
So grab yourself a nice chilled shot of Patron, oh mack daddy of the weekend. When it comes to impressing fake women with your fake paycheck, you’re the best around..
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Harrison Lee
Harrison is a Content Manager at Grandex. When he's not working for the man, you can find him on the golf course or blowing his paycheck doubling down on red. LinkedIn profile
@HMontgomery_
This has uptown in Dallas written all over it.
And Buckhead too.
I thought the author might’ve been from Dallas because $30k millionaires is a term we used all the time when I lived there. But Austin…close enough.
This reads like one of those old Budweiser “Real men of Genius” ads. Who would have guessed that the guy who wrote that copy would wash out and start writing for PGP
To be honest, unless you pay cold hard cash for a Mercedes the bank owns it until you pay off the loan. The lease just makes it more affordable…
Are you being serious? That’s something only a poor with a poor mentality would say. Go ahead and lease a luxury vehicle, and I’ll come buy your foreclosed house and pull up to it in my paid for in cash truck.
Yes, I didn’t lease a luxury car because I’m on a budget. PGP. However I did lease an economy car and have payments around $200 a month, I’m never out of warranty, and I drive low miles (Why I could lease). I could’ve financed the same car for over $325 a month too, but leasing was the better option (For me). Oh and I take the extra $100 or so I’m saving and pay ahead on my mortgage 🙂 so it’ll be paid off in 15 years instead of 20.
Butt thun agun I iz a poor and haz know idee wut eye’m duing…
I pay about $200 more than that for one of my cars… But I’ll own it after 5 years and it’s under warranty for 6 years. It’ll depreciate around $1200 per year (I got it used), which over 6 years of ownership while under warranty is about the same as you’re paying to not own anything over 3.
Leasing is almost always a poor choice unless you buy the car dirt cheap at the end.
Financially, yea, it’s a bad move. However, the people that drive luxury cars do it not for the performance of said car, but for the feeling of self worth associated with the car.
Who wants a 7 year old Benz when the person that you’re trying to impress is leasing a new Beamer. It’s superficial, but such is life.
This column made me sad
Come to Chicago, where the mid-level, linen-clad drug dealer and the Polish Mafioso (who probably works in construction), compete for the barley-legal’s affection in a battle of dimwits.
fuck off bretton
Barley-legal? Looks like some of the dimwitted-ness rubbed off on you.
It’s a play on words. Need me to explain it to you?
Looks like my user name inspired someone… Hahaha.
Better homage than the ‘burbs kid yesterday. Granted, that feat wasn’t hard to top
I can honestly say I’ve never heard of this. Is it just a Texas thing?
Patient zero appears to have originated in Los Angeles, but it’s been moving east for some time.
I know I hate it when people link to outside sites/videos, but Scottsdale has to be the home of the 30k millionaire.
http://youtu.be/qeMLzPjxCQk
“Only 99 more payments til it’s mine”
100% true. Only in Scottsdale can you be a 23 year old making $32k and drive a Range Rover and spend $2k on bottle service 3 nights a week. Lots of women out here encourage the behavior by sleeping with these dummies
Good luck pulling that off in NYC or Washington DC lol
A leased Mercedes? more like used with 120K+ miles and 6 previous owners, atleast from what I’ve seen in DC.