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Changing a loaded diaper is one of the first parenting tasks a new father will face, and it’s something that many men (myself included) have cowered in fear over. Before you have kids, nothing sounds more horrifying than being face-to-face with another human being’s dook and being the person in charge of cleaning said dook. You’ll get to the point where it becomes the thing that you’re least looking forward to about having a kid.
Essentially from the second your kid unleashes itself upon the world, their soiled diapers are your responsibility. The hospital staff will give you a few freebies, but once you’re home, you’re dueling with mudbutt on a daily basis. You’re terrified of changing a diaper, but should you be?
Nah, you probably shouldn’t be. Compared to 99 percent of the other terrifying stuff that comes with being a parent (such as being in charge of another human life, for starters), changing a ripe diaper is cake – you know, if that cake was made of doody instead of chocolate. You’ll come to realize that changing a diaper, while gross, is a hell of a lot better than having a constipated kid. A constipated child is about as friendly and fun to be around as Aaron Hernandez after you just spilled a drink on his new shoes.
In due time, you’ll adapt to the burden of this smelly task, and become a guru of shit. You’ll probably even have your own funny nickname for the act of your child crapping their diaper. While your childless friends will continue to boast about their ability to sell to clients or about how great their golf game has been getting, you’ll be able to take pride in the fact that you can change a monsoon of dump-filled Pampers in under 30 seconds.
Yes, the fear is often blown out of proportion, but it doesn’t mean that you’ll relish being in the trenches taking diarrhea grenades. Picking your spots on when to change the diaper and when to pass it off is crucial. If you’re one-on-one with your kid, you really have no choice – that’s a given. But if your spouse or parents are around, and you smell the bad stuff, you’ll learn to keep your distance until someone else smells it and stumbles upon the nightmare at the back door.
You have to do your part, so you’ll need to become the Mel Kiper Jr. of judging which diaper-fillers to take a chance on when given the option. Hopefully, most of the time you get the safe pick (quick and clean, two-wipe max), but you’re in for a living hell if you take your chances on a high upside and end up with a JaMarcus Russell (leaking out of the diaper, gets everywhere, leaves you panicking in distress, has long term consequences for your franchise).
In reality, changing diapers will always suck, but after a few weeks, it will become second nature. You’ll be somewhat disturbed with how comfortable you are getting urine or baby mud on your hand, but the first time you start smiling in relief because your constipated child just had a massive blowout, you’ll realize you’ve conquered your apprehension about the enigma that is a poopy diaper.
There will eventually be a time where you’re completely overwhelmed, there’s fudge everywhere, you’ve got pee all over you, your child is wriggling around determined to spread their feces everywhere, and you’ll realize that there no greater sign of love than being willing to put up with this shit (literally) for someone. .
Image via Shutterstock
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Kyle Bandujo
The artist formerly known as Crash Davis. My kid doesn't think I'm funny.
@kylebandujo
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I hope this is a post, post grad problem for me. Pretty funny article though.
Annnnnnnnd I’m getting a vasectomy.
He called the shit poop!
Get this horrible parenting crap off this website and learn your demographic. No one here wants to hear about kids, we all get enough of that scrolling thru facebook. If we wanted to hear this kind of shit we could go to hundreds of parenting blogs.
Why did this get downvoted?