======= ======= ====== ====== ====== ===== ==== ====== ====== ===== ==== ======= ======= ====== ====== ====== ===== ==== ====== ====== ===== ====
I’ve never once seen an engagement photo of my parents. They didn’t have a sunset shoot in the back alley of a restaurant gazing deep into each other’s eyes. There was no photographer that asked my mom to stand behind my dad, wrap her arms around him, rest her head on his shoulder, and strategically flash her engagement ring to the camera. My dad never posed with his hands on my mom’s face as they laughed with their foreheads touching, only to have to do it again because the photographer wasn’t entirely sure if the first photo turned out.
But something in the last thirty years has changed, and the world requires these photoshoots for newlyweds now. It’s a “if they didn’t get photographed lying on the ground in a pile of leaves, did they even get engaged?” situation. Quite frankly, the world doesn’t need to see you guys giving each other piggyback rides and holding a chalkboard with your wedding date on it.
Where did you even get these vintage wood signs that say “His” and “Hers” with arrows pointing to each other? Is there an engagement photo accessory market that I’m unaware of? The signs might as well point to each other and say, “I wear the pants” and “I’m just here so I don’t get yelled at.”
Why are you guys standing in the middle of a field? How did you get that perfect glow around your heads? Why are you sharing an ice cream cone? Why did you make your fiancé wear that gingham shirt from J. Crew that every other guy in the world has? I just fundamentally don’t understand why you’re sitting in a rowboat looking like Tom Sawyer with your jeans rolled up.
What happened to the days where my Facebook and Instagram timelines were filled with college girls in Halloween costumes and drunken party photos that would just get deleted in the morning? Now, I’m just facing constant reminders that I’m the most single person out of all my friends, and that’s saying a lot.
With every subtle engagement ring flash and every picture of just your feet pointing at each other in a perfectly manicured lawn, a part of me resents the institution of marriage a little more. I get it — you love each other, you’re playful, and society has created a standard that you have to take these cheesy photos before your big day. And you two look beautiful, you really do. But can’t you just frame these photos for your bedside table and desk rather than shove them down our throats on Instagram with your wedding hashtag? We’re tired of seeing them and it’s just redefining what it means to be “basic.”
I’m to the point where for every fiancé-holding-his-wife-in-the-air-while-she-has-one-foot-up photo that I see on Facebook, I’m knocking twenty bucks off their wedding gift until it’s just me showing up giving high-fives and slipping the groom a ten dollar bill when I shake his hand before dinner. And don’t talk in secret about how shitty my “gift” was — this was your doing, guys. You got me to this place.
When I find The One, am I going to have to do this some day? Yes, but that’s just because y’all have set the standard for me that I have to. I might as well get “happy wife, happy life” tattooed on my forehead because I’m already tired of fighting with my wife and I don’t even have a fiancé yet. If she lets me be a stay at home dad, I’ll take as many standing-in-the-middle-of-an-empty-barn-with-light-pouring-in photos as she wants. But until that day comes, I’m going to unjustifiably hate-scroll your albums until I consider not even going to your wedding.
But that being said, you guys having an open bar or…? .
You may also like My Retirement From Raging, Things Girls Do After Graduation: Buy A Dog, and A Final Farewell To Forever 21.
Image via Shutterstock
Respond
Will
Will (Twitter / Instagram) is the host of The Sunday Scaries Podcast.
@willdefries
@willdefries
defriewf
will@grandex.co
This is such a bitter, jealous, pathetic column lol.
Yeah I too get a little bit annoyed sometimes when people won’t stop posting pictures of their babies and stuff, so I just unfollow them. Or god forbid, unfriend them. If you really hate seeing stuff like that so much, there’s a way to filter it. Try it out instead of spreading your sad gospel of envy.
You say that every time you see an engagement photo you get the couple involved a crappier gift. Frankly, with your attitude, I’m stunned that you have friends who would be willing to invite you to their weddings in the first place.
Get off your high horse. Your parents didn’t do engagement photos, so nobody should? They also didn’t have Facebook, so I hope you’re not on that. I bet they didn’t have HBO, so you’d better not be a “Game of Thrones” fan. Oh, and I’m certain that they didn’t passive-aggressively blog about their sour grapes of jealousy just because they had an attitude that seems to make them deservedly the “most single” of all of their friends and felt the need to project it on everyone else rather than look inward at their own problems.
Never ceases to amuse me how people get so bitter and negative about things that don’t affect them personally at all. If you don’t like what you’re seeing on Facebook, then stop looking. Or better yet, get over yourself, be happy for your friends, give a wry smile at how they’re overly-expressing their engagement, and stop being a full-time student at Jelly School, m’kay?
Once again to this author I say: lol.
Fixed the end of your post for you:
“Never ceases to amuse me how people get so bitter and negative about things that don’t affect them personally at all. If you don’t like what you’re seeing on PGP, then stop looking. Or better yet, get over yourself, be happy for people writing funny columns, give a wry smile at how they’re overly-expressing their dissatisfaction at douchey engagement photos, and stop being a full-time student at Unable to Laugh about the Terrible Engagement Photos My Wife and I Took School, m’kay?”
Wow you really got him good…
Re-writing someone’s argument while changing nouns and verbs to contradict them is so clever… It doesn’t surprise me that you think writings like this column are funny or skillful.
Also, I’m pretty sure he was making a “South Park” reference at the end and you didn’t get it, so you kind of fail for that too… :-
Judging by the 232 likes this article has, I think you’re in the minority here bro, so I’ll probably look elsewhere for help determining what is clever or funny. Thanks for the effort.
Sick username though.
Nah. When you put something out there like that, you have to take the comments like a bitch. And here, you came off super bitter.
I have no dog in this fight but how is implying critics of this article should just stop looking at PGP any different than telling the author of this article to stop looking at her social media or wherever else these engagement photos are being posted?
First person exercises freedom of speech, second person exercises freedom of speech to criticize freedom of speech, and third person exercises right to troll the comments.
Hey you’re a dork
Right?! Oh bah humbug. So agree lol. There *might* be a reason this dude is single. Just saying’…
Don’t worry dude, I just had to take them too. It’s ok.
My buddy had engagement photos that I legit enjoyed. Didn’t feature him or his fiancé, just his jack russel terrier in a tux and her pit bull in a wedding dress. Funny as hell.
This entire post and the comments scream ” I’m bitter and alone. Instead of just being happy for my friends, I’m going to bitch about the fact that I don’t have someone”. Grow up and get over it. If you don’t like it, get rid of your social media, be a dick friend and delete them for experiencing one of the happiest times in their lives, or just unfollow them so you can’t see what they post.
This post hit a little too close to home for you?
Can we please talk about “gender reveal” parties?
Things white people LOVE: dilapidated barns (to take photos in front of), exposed brick, and gender reveal parties.
Things girls do after college: Engagement Photographer.
I also hate their pregnancy announcements.
Especially when the try to say it’s mine.
Even worse is when they include their pet wearing the vintage chalkboard around its neck showing the date of the wedding
“put them on your bed side table rather than shoving them down our throats on fb or instagran” that can literally be said about every photo ever taken.. of anything.
I wouldn’t hate Brian’s engagement photos
Even with Catie in them?
She doesn’t need to be in them
Thank you.
It’s Pinterest’s fault. Girls obsess over their wedding and the minute they get engaged, they’re determined to act out the so totally original engagement photos theme they saw their frenemy pin.
the facebook post are announcing the engagement or a baby is worse —
“finally get to marry my best friend” aka “finally nagged at my boyfriend who cheated on me 3 times to buy me a 7,000 ring from a chain jewelry store to spend a life in misery. I let him have butt sex for 5 minutes in exchange so its okay.”