One of the hardest parts about being not a college student but not quite a spouse-with-kids-and-plenty-of-money-saved-up-for-a-rainy-day adult is that you’re in this limbo of not knowing where you stand on the ol’ cool meter. Are you too ancient to hit up the college bar when you’re in a new town, doing shots of Fireball and pretending you have class in the morning? Or are you too young to spend the weekend walking around Home Depot with your SO, day dreaming about all of the lighting fixtures you’ll have once you two get hitched and buy a house?
It’s not easy to act your age because most of us don’t even know what that means. And the trickiest part of all of this? Is determining what trends are fine for you to jump in on, and what ones make you look like a tryhard. After much deliberation and shame on my part, here are some of the trends that, while I’d love to partake in, I know in my soul that I’m truly too old for this shit.
I love the idea of wearing a flimsy piece of plastic around my neck or a ribbon like that girl in the scary story where her head fell off (remember that? Anyone?). It’s cute(ish), it’s trendy, and it’s way cheaper than the statement necklaces that were popular a few seasons ago. I like them so much that I even wear them, but every time I do, I can’t help feeling like a 25-year-old who’s dressing like she’s still in middle school. I know I’m judged for wearing them. I know I’m too old to wear them. But until my neck skin hangs down to my knees (or until they stop being cool in like three months), I’ll wear them boldly and slightly embarrassedly.
2. Crop Tops
To quote the great Craig Robinson, “You couldn’t handle my midriff.”
3. All The Demin Shit
I love jeans just as much as any other slightly chubby person does — not really at all. I have about 1.5 pairs that I’ll wear happily and a pair of jorts that I don once a year after I get the flu. Other than that, I tend to reach for things that don’t button, zip, and have ample stretching ability. Recently, however, denim shit has been everywhere. Demin skirts, denim jackets, denim dresses, denim overalls — it’s impossible to be trendy when you’re older and your weight fluctuates a good five pounds daily. How people manage to pull that unforgiving fabric over their bodies after a night of Mexican food is so beyond me.
4. Fidget Spinners
Are you a 12-year-old? Were you hastily diagnosed with ADD or ADHD? Do your parents tolerate but not truly love you? Well then, if you answered “yes” to all of these, you’re going home today with a brand new Fidget Spinner. I myself have never touched one of those monstrosities and I don’t plan to for another few years when I inevitably pick a forgotten one up at a garage sale and finally realize what all of the fuss was about years ago when I hated on them.
5. One Piece Swim Suits That Say “Salty” Or “Hungover”
As any other female on the planet can tell you, the whole one piece trend is great. The only not-so-great part about it? Is that the trendiest, Instagram-worthy suits all same something cringingly obnoxious. A suit that says “Birthday Suit” is bound to get a lot more likes on social media, but at what cost? And at what point is that no longer cute, but just sort of unsettling? Something about the fact that I’m planning for retirement and sensibly putting money away every month for emergencies makes me think that those swimming outfits are just not for me. Or anyone above the age of 20, for that matter.
6. Anything That Says “Hungover”
Shirts, coffee mugs, my general demeanor on a Monday morning. Back in college, being hungover was like a point of pride, a badge of honor. You’d roll up to class still smelling like vodka, then hastily leave in the middle to vomit up the Taco Bell you had last night in the trash can outside. You’d brag about it to your friends that night when you roll up to the bar again like a champion. They’d put you on their shoulders and everyone would chant your name and it was truly magical. Now, being hungover is not only a million times worse, but it makes you think that you not only can’t hang but that you might also not have your shit together (don’t you love when that anxiety creeps in?). Plus, someone always tells you that you should have drunk more water and you’re just like, “Fuck, Susan. I know, okay?”
7. Binge Drinking On Weeknights
Nothing makes me sadder than not being able to drink on weeknights. Back in the day (she said, in a voice that sounded like a whole bunch of nails rattling around in an old tin can), Tuesday-Saturday were my drinking days, Sunday was for God, and Monday was for learnin’. As time has gone on and the hangovers have gotten worse, however, it’s becoming more and more clear that heavy weekday drinking is not for me. I have to call it quits after 2-3 glasses of Pinot, and then pray I hydrated enough to ward off any lingering haziness.
This one might have seemed a little shocking, but it needs to be said. Anal, or “butt stuff” as it became fondly known, has become increasingly popular amongst both southern girls who want to remain virgins and college kids. Sure, most people have played “just the tip” once or twice, but at this age? Going all the way? It just doesn’t make sense. I’m not young enough to do it to try to be cool for the opposite sex and I’m not old enough to really need something to spice my sex life up. I’m comfortable in the middle, between kinky college sex and “maybe we should consider swinging.” My asshole and I just aren’t in a good place for anal right now.
Let’s be real, this was never trendy and it will never be trendy. Anyone who says otherwise is wrong, and also probably having a lot more oral than I am. .