======= ======= ====== ====== ====== ===== ==== ====== ====== ===== ==== ======= ======= ====== ====== ====== ===== ==== ====== ====== ===== ====
Guys, as I peruse your profile on Tinder, I am analyzing everything that you have provided. How close you live to me. Our mutual friends. Our mutual interests outside of Target. How many pictures you have on your profile. How old your pictures look. A complicated mix of perplexities and standards that clouds my mind before deciding to swipe right or left.
- You have only one picture on your profile. You really can’t find more good pictures of yourself? Either that or you’re probably a spam bot. Next.
- How long ago was this picture taken? Was this before or after you had a fierce battle with Chick-Fil-A addiction? Why does it look like it was taken with a Motorola Razr camera phone?
- You are under 21. Bye bye.
- Is that your baby in that picture? That fact that you have included a picture of you with a child is in poor taste by Tinder standards. Is it your own child? A niece or nephew? Did you steal someone’s child? How the heck am I supposed to know?
- There is no way that is really your name. Deavyn? You must hate your parents.
- You have pictures of yourself playing baseball, football and running, but no pictures of your face. You have to be compensating for something. This is not a good sign.
- You’re cute. Let’s check out your info. Yikes, we have 20 mutual friends. That’s 20 people that I don’t want knowing I’m on Tinder.
- Finally, someone that I can handle. Yes, we are a match! He sent me a message! It says, “Hi baby your pretty.” Well, that was fun until my inner grammar-Nazi surfaced.
What goes through your head when you’re Tindering? Let me know in the comments.
Respond
Victory Laps FTW
My parents always told me to make the most out of life. Hence my 5-year college plan. Now I'm just trying to figure out postgrad life, one happy hour at a time.
Girls….is it so hard to find at least ONE pic of you by yourself? I get you broads like group shots, but I’m not trying to play where’s Waldo here.
I deleted Tinder for the 2nd time today.
Oh he’s cute! Oh wait, that’s his friend, damn. Swipe.
selfie? don’t you have any friends to take pictures of you? NO.
no NO STOP I meant to swipe left dammit, no i do not want to be matched with you, go away.
How tall are you in comparison to your friends in the group shots? Shortest? Swipe left.
when girls only take photos from the neck up…kankles
“Oh, we’re a match! That means you wanna bone, right?”
“I mean, we have like 30 things in common. This girl is obviously my soul mate. Oh, shit 259 miles away.”
“Fuck you, Tinder.”
Why is your first picture of you and a girl??
oh you’re friends with someone I already porked from Tinder. NOPE.
Married…doesn’t look happily married…fuck it, right swipe.