7 Ways Big Brothers Are The Best


Anyone who was blessed with an older brother or two was clearly loved a little bit more by God. Why, you ask? In a case study I’m making up as I write, two world renowned lifeguards, who just so happen to be related to me, surveyed a diverse group of one single young female, who just happens to be myself, to demonstrate a correlation between being superior to everyone and having older brothers. Their scientific findings show that people born with an older brother are genetically better people. And here’s why.

1. He paved the way for you to do whatever you want.

Chances are your older brother screwed up so many times that your parents stopped caring about what you did. He took the fall for the “guinea pig” stage; your parents experimented with curfews, restrictions, etc. with him. When he was younger, he couldn’t stay out later than 11. When you were younger, you had to shoot a text every 24 to 48 hours stating that you were still alive. When he was younger, he could only have girls over if they stayed in the kitchen with your parents. When you were younger, you could have whoever you liked whenever you liked over, as long as they didn’t wake your parents up or forget to clean up after their own puke.

2. He was always there to take the blame for you.

Uh oh, mom found your half drunken bottle of Pinnacle Whipped and couple of Mike’s Hard bottle caps? Those definitely belonged to your older brother. And of course, since he was probably the one who bought it for you and your three other friends to split before prom, he’ll gladly put his love for his baby sis before his dignity as he claims these ultra-feminine drinks to be his own. And of course your mom believes him because why would her angelic daughter even think about touching the devil’s drink?

3. He taught you everything before it was cool.

He taught you how to dip snap, so you brought that annoying habit to all your 6th grade buds not knowing what it meant, making it look like you started something cool. He gave you all his hand-me-down high school clothes, so you looked older and mature wearing a purple “Go Eagles” shirt before any of your friends even knew what puberty was. Later in life, he introduced you to all his friends when he was a senior, so you looked like a sweet freshman hanging out with the “big kids.” He got you drunk for the first time at your family vacation in Jamaica when your parents weren’t looking. He helped you roll your first joint using paper from your parents’ law books. He was your life mentor.

4. He was always looking out for your welfare.

He always said things like, “Hey little sis, sunscreen will make you wrinkle. Try this turtle neck to block out the sun.” Or maybe even, “Jeez, soda isn’t very good for your teeth. Here, try this vodka, instead.” No matter the situation, he had your back.

5. He was never ashamed to put you in your place.

No one will ever tell you that you are being an asshole faster than an older brother. He said whatever came to his mind in regards to you, making you tougher. He may or may not have convinced you for the first 10 years of your life that you were neither a girl nor a boy, but an it. And what were you gonna do, tattle on him? No, because you believed every word that came out of his mouth. You accepted being born a she-man and told all your classmates that you were proud of your kind.

6. He gave you something to brag about.

He picked you up from school so you didn’t have to ride the bus with the dweebs or get picked up by your parents like the dorks. Later in life, he probably did something pretty sweet like go to an Ivy League school and change the world, join the military and defend our nation’s freedom, or open a sweet bar or two of his own, downtown. You always had ample bragging material that wasn’t obnoxious because it wasn’t about yourself, making yourself look awesome.

7. He made you a better person.

That time when you were five and he left you on top of the monkey bars and he said he’d come back in five minutes, but didn’t really? Well guess what, now that you’re forever scared of heights and you’ll never walk too close to a high ledge and die. Or what about that time he five starred your back so hard you bled? Well, now you know how to fend for yourself. Without him, you’d be walking around this big scary world in an ignorant bliss.

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Topanga is a contributing writer for Post Grad Problems. Lover of red wine, mediocre gossip, and Corey's whipped ass.

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