Stop me if you’ve heard this story before. A guy who had it all in college–he dated loads of women, had tons of friends, threw great parties in his “bitchin’ college apartment”–loses it all immediately after graduating, and hasn’t the foggiest idea why.
Maybe you have a friend like that. Ladies, you know you’ve dated multiple someones like that. Maybe you’re that guy. Deep down, you know the reason why. You need to change and grow up, but you don’t want to. You’re scared of getting older and not being “fun” anymore. Well, tough tits. You know what’s really not fun? Being alone and miserable for the rest of your life. When you’re ready to move on to the next stage of your life, here are a few things you need to do. You’re going to hate them, but you’ll be better off in the long run.
Be Clean Cut
No disrespect meant to the Grizzly Adamses of our generation. If you’re one of those guys who can grow a full, badass, lumberjack beard or pull off a Ron Swanson mustache that could tame a wild jaguar and find a woman (or women) who swoon over it, good for you. You’re a far better man than I. But for the remaining 90 percent of us who can’t, just stop.
There are few things that turn a woman off more than a thin, wispy mustache (see: Kip from “Napoleon Dynamite”) and if your idea of a “beard” is hair growing out of your neck, you belong at a “Star Trek” convention, not in normal society. Captains Kirk and Picard were clean-shaven anyway, and they were real men. Mattingly, shave those sideburns.
And on the subject of hair…
Get Your Eyebrows Waxed
Full disclosure: I’ve been doing this since my senior year of high school. I have chest hair like Austin Powers and eyebrows like Martin Scorsese, just to let you know the hair situation you’re dealing with.
But holy hell, what a difference it makes. It gives guys a much cleaner look. Instead of having two fuzzy caterpillars above your eyes–or worse, one REALLY long caterpillar–you look like a human being. Even if you draw the line at brow waxing, taking the time to take care of yourself and your appearance shows other people that you actually give a shit about yourself. Maybe they’ll want to give a shit about you, too.
Plus, a good waxing salon is filled to the brim with cute women, from the receptionists to the waxers to the customers. Ever heard the phrase, “Ooh, you’d be great for my daughter”?
Ever heard it five times in a span of 10 minutes? Wax those brows.
Do Something At The Gym That Isn’t Weight Training
No matter what beer commercials and Schwarzenegger movies taught you, girls don’t necessarily go for the muscle-heads anymore. Those who do aren’t in it for the scintillating, intellectual conversations anyway.
If you want to meet a girl with slightly more substance than a “GTL” tattoo on her lower back and actually do something for your body other than making it a pile of quivering muscles, take a cardio class at the gym. Nobody’s suggesting you start taking Pilates, but try taking a spin, boxing or even a Zumba class. No joke. Zumba. It’s 60 minutes of high-intensity movement and you’re surrounded by hot, sweaty women shaking their assets in tight workout clothes. You can burn something like 500 to 1,000 calories in just one Zumba class. You need it after the entire Domino’s 5-5-5 Combo you ate by yourself last night. Don’t think I didn’t see that.
Get Real Furniture
The futon you found in the trash was funny at first, but after two years of sleeping on it, it’s just sad. Take your $800, 50-inch plasma off of those milk crates, go to Ikea, and buy yourself a TV stand. Sure, it’s poorly-constructed Swedish furniture, but my God, at least you didn’t find it in a Dumpster. Get a new bed, a TV stand, a couch, and a bookshelf. Then buy some proper dishes, silverware, and glasses. That stuff is $5 a set–it’s not like you’re breaking the bank.
Put it together, arrange it nicely, and maybe even get a rug and a lamp. With minimal effort, you’ll actually make your apartment look halfway decent, which is really what all women want, in the end.
Clean Your Damn Apartment
Holy crap, is that a half-full carton of milk behind your couch? From July 2012? Dude, that’s when “The Dark Knight Rises” came out. Two years ago. No wonder women don’t want to come back here…or any you know, for that matter. You know why your roommate’s been so quiet? He was eaten by cockroaches. You’re next.
Get a Swiffer. It’s the single greatest invention in the last 20 years. I’m not sure how it does it, but it picks up all the dirt on one of those little pads, then you toss out the pad. It’s cheap, quick, and easy, just like your senior spring formal date.
Clean your toilet and you shower. Seriously, the two places that you expose your junk to the most, and you’re letting them get dirty? That’s how you get diseases. Diseases that make your schlong fall off. Protect yourself. Scrub your toilet.
Buy A New Wardrobe
It’s much easier if you have a fashion conscious sister, cool aunt, or female cousin who can do this for you. Hell, even your mom can dress you better than you dress yourself right now. After all, she did it for at least 18 years. Just drive one of them to the closest outlet mall, Nordstrom’s Rack, Off 5th Avenue, or whatever, give them your credit card, and let them take care of the rest.
I specify those stores because you can get a ton of great stuff for cheap. Like, actual good clothing brands for cheap. Shopping for clothes sucks, but if you take the time and effort to pick out quality stuff, you won’t look like a complete pile of shit, and you won’t break the bank. No girl is going to go for a guy who wears a three-year-old sorority philanthropy shirt out to the bar. It smells and it has holes in it, just like your love life.
Learn How To Talk To People
Back in college, your vocabulary probably consisted of “Bars?” “Beer?” and “Bone?” The “U up?” text was the most emotional and soul-bearing conversation starter you knew. It was actually easier to communicate in a series of grunts and Facebook messages than to actually express how you felt to another person in real life. Unfortunately for all of us, that doesn’t work anymore.
In an effort to not be a complete dumbass, go read a newspaper, a book, or watch the news. Learn what’s going on in the world. Actually go out to a bar and try to have a conversation with someone without immediately trying to put your tongue down her throat. Get to know a coworker. Join one of those awful, douchey kickball leagues and talk to a teammate about something other than trying to set up a play at the plate.
And if you’re not good with social skills, surround yourself with people who are. Not only will they communicate for you, but maybe some of their skills will rub off on you. Or take an improv class. I hear those are decent. You might learn something.
With those seven steps, you can successfully transition from an ignorant buffoon of a college student into a more well-rounded, somewhat knowledgeable adult who kind of has his shit together. But then again, do any of us have our shit together? Probably not. But I do know that a clean-shaven, intelligent sounding guy with a nice looking apartment has a decent shot of getting laid over a dude with a neckbeard wearing a ratty T-shirt.
Unless that dude with the neckbeard is James Franco or Channing Tatum, in which case, you and I can never win, so we shouldn’t even try.