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There are so many reasons breaking up with someone is brutal. You no longer have assumed Friday night plans of watching Netflix, having lazy sex, and splitting a giant bottle of red. Your dreams of finding someone who completes you and keeps you from dying alone are shattered. And you don’t have anyone to split the 2 for $20 at Applebees when you decide to slum it and hit up a chain.
But the worst part about splitting ways isn’t the lonely nights, the lack of couples menu options, or the inevitable fact that when you die no one will discover your body for days until the smell causes the paper boy to tell his parents who in turn call the police. No, the worst part about breaking up is that you don’t only lose the person who lets you see them naked, but you also lose a friend.
So, naturally, most of us have the classic “let’s stay friends” conversation. And hell, maybe it even works for some of us for a while. But as soon you start dating someone else, you’ll quickly learn that being friends with an ex isn’t an easy pill for any potential mate to swallow. So, luckily for everyone who has a sick desire of keeping their exes close, there are a few exceptions to the “don’t be friends with an ex” rule.
1. You Dated When You Were Prepubescent
It should go without saying, but any elementary or middle school relationship is fair game. Odds are, even if you “loved” them, you didn’t really know what that meant at the time. Sure, you shared a few kisses and maybe rounded a few bases depending on whether or not you wore Bermuda shorts in 7th grade, but that doesn’t change the fact that most of those relationships were amateur hour. Sure, they taught you something, but most likely they just set you up for your real first love later down the line.
2. You Never Touched Each Other’s Genitals
I don’t want to be the person who says it isn’t serious until you put it in, but nine times out of ten, that’s the truth. Yeah, sure, maybe you were hopelessly in love and decided to wait to bang for whatever reason (like, until you figured out how, exactly, to go down on someone. Or you know, God). Buuuut chances are if you never at least felt the goods, it probably wasn’t that big of a deal. If you held hands a few times and made out once, being friends shouldn’t be an issue. Unless of course, you actually tell your SO that you casually dated.
3. One Of You Has Changed Sexual Orientations
I know I know, you don’t just “switch” teams. I get that. My point is, for a long time, maybe you thought you liked the V and then found out that you would rather have a big ole P. I get it. Ps are great! If this happens, it means that friendship is an actual possibility because when they say they’re not attracted to you, you can actually believe them. And your new girlfriend will also believe it when she see’s your ex making out with her new girlfriend at the bar. And then, voila. You can be friends with your ex and watch her make out with girls. If that isn’t a perverted win straight out of a porn, then I don’t know what you people want.
4. You’re Both In The Same Friend Group And For Some Reason Defied All Odds
I have no idea how this works. Most of the time, it doesn’t work. But from what I’ve learned from sitcoms, it appears that sometimes, people who have hooked up before and are in the same friend group can remain platonic friends. Sure, they usually end up together when the final credits roll, but still. Maybe it can work. Maybe it’ll blow up in your face. Either way, if you want to try, I’m sure it won’t cause major grief and drama for everyone involved.
5.The Most Amount Of Time Has Gone By
Some people say it’s the amount of time you dated, others say it’s double that. Still, time has this weird way of healing a lot of wounds, and after a decade, you might find that you can befriend that piece of shit who broke your heart. That is assuming, of course, that you’re now exceedingly more wealthy and attractive than they are. It’s the only way. Otherwise, give up the hope of having them in your life and go back to just obsessively stalking them on Instagram. And Facebook. And Twitter. And Linkedin. And Zillow. And Foursquare. And from your car when you follow them home every night.
6. He/She Died And You Were Accidentally Invited To The Funeral
I’m not sure if people get “invited” to funerals, per se, but for some reason, you did. Maybe you were close with her family years ago when you dated, or maybe she had a secret shrine to you in her room and her mom wanted her to be happy as she was laid to rest. Either way, the offer was extended for you to pay your respects and so, not only should you go, but you should act like you were pals. No, it might not exactly be accurate, but her loved ones don’t want to hear how she threw a drink on you in a bar and keyed your car after you made out with her pledge sister. They want to know that her ex-boyfriend, and now good friend, loves her enough to say goodbye properly. Besides, she’s dead. You already won.
7. You’re Fine With Potentially Being Murdered By Your Significant Other
Finally, if you still decide to be friends and none of these previous situations apply, it’s for one other reason: because you actually want to be skinned alive and doused in gasoline by the person who is currently touching your balls (not like, right this second. If someone is touching your balls right now, please know it is NOT okay and you SHOULD go to HR). It doesn’t matter if she says she’s cool with it. Odds are she’s plotting ways to kill both of you each and every time you send a Snap to your ex. And do you know who gets away with murder? Bitches who snap after their boyfriends become best friends on Snapchat with their exes.
But hey, what do I know? Maybe your girlfriend isn’t *actually* slipping poison into your ex’s drink anytime you all go out together as a group! Maybe she’s just helping the girl out by watering down her vodka soda so she isn’t as hungover tomorrow! She’s probably just pouring water in there! Really though, who’s to say? .
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Rachel Varina
if it doesn't have snack or seats, i'm not there. hate mail/Sunny references can be sent to itsrachelvarina@gmail.com
@rachelvarina
@rachelvarina
I still refuse to speak to my 7th grade girlfriend of two weeks. That cut was just too deep.
In my mind they all died the moment we broke up. It’s weird though, sometimes they raise from dead and I get texts from them.
3. When you’re such a piece of shit, your ex is not even attracted to your gender, after they’re done dating you.
The Costanza.
I just tend to move across the country before, during or after a breakup. Makes it easy to pretend to still be friends even though you really aren’t.
I have (coincidentally) always made a really big move within 6 months of every breakup. It was always for school, job, family, etc. But can’t recommend this strategy enough.
I’ve always done this, but then moved back after a year or two. Pretty much treated the moves like paid vacations and it’s been awesome not being around town while they’re moving on to new people.
Never stay friends unless its reason 1 or 3 otherwise scorch earth that relationship.
Fastest way to find out if someone is a masochistic psychopath: Ask if they’re friends with their exes.
I’m in #4 situation because we both refused to give up our friends after a 2 year relationship, and it seems to be fine. The awkward period ends pretty quickly thank God. The fact that we don’t give a fuck what the other does also helps.
I’m in the same situation, but we broke up like 2 months ago, and I still haven’t seen her.
Yeah we didn’t talk for a while and that definitely helped, just give it time
Love your material, but strongly disagree with this take. I wish them the best in life, but I don’t need to be a part of that life even as a “friend.”
I’ve never remained friends with an ex-girlfriend. But what’s the rule about former friends w/ benefits where the benefits just stopped but not the friend part? Besides the obvious of never telling a current SO.
Broke up with my boyfriend 2 months ago after 3+ years and a handful of “we’re definitely getting married” discussions. The losing a friend part is KILLER. Fit none of these scenarios. Zero hope. *sobs*
Sup?