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Spring Break is upon us. And by that I mean those of you reading that are fresh out of school will have to come to grips with the fact that no, you do not get a sanctioned week away from your troubles. For the rest of us, we’ve come to grips with this harsh reality.
Maybe you saved up your vacation days in order to join in with the festivities. In which case, congratulations, you psycho. Enjoy referring to college in the present verb tense as you lie to potential sexual partners. Or maybe, like some assclowns, you figured out how to make Spring Break a work event.
But for the rest of us, it’s just another soul-crushing week of 9-5 days and fluorescent lighting. BUT FEAR NOT! I have just the trick for you: a bunch of fun activities (funtivities!) to get you through the week. Without further ado…
1. Get really good at photoshop
This is not only a marketable skill you can tout in job interviews, but now you can also peruse all of the fun pictures your friends are posting on social networks and insert yourself into them. They’ll be so shitfaced, they won’t remember you weren’t there, so you can still play it off like you’re one of the gang!
2. Till the soil, the way God intended
Spring Break coincides with planting season. This has lent itself to a popular myth that Spring Break was invented by farmers in an effort to get their kids home from school to help with the planting. This is a lie, of course, but a lie that will help you feel like you’re still participating while you tend your garden like the suburban housewife you might as well be. Or you can grow weed and sell it to Spring Breakers. Might as well get a little side-scratch!
3. Read Atlas Shrugged
What better way to convince yourself of the righteousness of your labors than by reading the seminal text in the “how to be an asshole” syllabus? It’ll warp your opinions to revile those on Spring Break as takers, and that you, the noble producer are called to a higher path. Then you can mulch it up for your garden (see #2) since that’s all the book is good for anyway.
4. Do your taxes
Remember when you used to come back from Spring Break hungover, sunburnt and broke? Well hunker down in the darkness of your overpriced studio apartment, crack open some booze and solve two of those three problems! Also, this is just good advice. Get on top of it, you hobos.
5. Steal the tires off of the car of a friend who is on Spring Break
He or She might be rubbing it in your face that they’re out partying while you’re stuck in the office. What better way to get back at them than to see the look on their face when they return to a car on cinder blocks! This actually happened to a roommate of mine, except the wheels were actually stolen and it wasn’t a prank.
6. Drive for Uber or Lyft
Maybe you live in fun place people want to visit! I do – side note: I need to fly somewhere next Sunday and plane tickets are ABSURD. You can still take advantage of those more fun, attractive and liberated than you by driving them to and from their places of partying. Then you can listen to their stories and fantasize about them as you cry yourself to sleep that night, sober and alone. Also, side-scratch!
7. Clean your bathroom
It’s filthy and you need to grow up.
And there you have it! The week will fly by and you’ll have all the great experiences I’ve outlined above. Isn’t this great?.
Image via Shutterstock