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Yoga, wine, something about pizza. A joke about killing our boyfriends. Blah blah jk, by boyfriend do you mean Netflix? Fluent in sarcasm. Blah blah blah what is a sport. Yes. You have heard it all. By now the self-deprecating shtick in which we (mostly) single females have sought comfort has been exposed and ripped out of our manicured hands. While I won’t say this is a bad thing in the long run, I will say some of us right now are shitting our $120 yoga pants with half a bottle of pinot and 20 minutes of New Girl left looking for the next security blanket to justify our laziness and lack of self-control.
Guys get hit with the “basic” accusations too, but for acting like guys. The Basic Bro motif has traditionally followed the theme of “Blah blah Dave Matthews Band. Blah blah Jordan Spieth. Blah blah SportsCenter. Blah blah fantasy football. Blah blah Patagonia baggies. Blah blah scared of commitment.” What hasn’t gotten enough attention is the male equivalent of the girl yelling “Look at me I drink beer and watch the sports!!!!” This approach is just self-aware enough to evade the obvious stereotype but still leaves itself open to endless mocking.
So because this behavior seemingly has yet to be exposed, I present to you the most basic Bumble bios I have seen from dudes this week. May I reiterate: these are real bios from (presumably) real guys I myself have seen on Bumble this very week.
“Music, fashion, fitness | enjoying the present on purpose | nonreligious, vegetarian, compassion is key | 6’3””
If your vegetarianism is so important to you that you feel the need to mention it in your Bumble bio, we already have problems. Look, I don’t hate vegetarians. I’ve actually been one before. The worst part about it wasn’t giving up meat, it was having to tell people you’re a fucking vegetarian. And “enjoying the present on purpose”? Isn’t the whole point of enjoying the present not having to do it on purpose? So you force yourself to enjoy every singular moment of your life? Conference calls? Follow-up meetings? Root canals? Do yourself a favor and just admit you hate your bullshit job and you want to crush a steak like the rest of us.
“If you like the beach, yoga, workouts, fishing, skiing and intellectual conversation message me”
Nobody loooooves intellectual conversation as much as people who mention it in their Bumble bio. I get it though. Every bumble profile you see lists at least one of the above, so this is just the width of your net. Do I like this tactic? Not particularly, but I see you. You’re going to do okay.
“Are you looking for a laid back surfer who actually has a job?? I work hard but play harder. Family and friends are important. I love to be outdoors and travel around the world. I have an English bulldog named Buster.”
What an aggressive way to paint the rest of the laid back surfers as lazy pieces of shit. It reminds me of “A frozen banana that won’t make you sick and kill you.” From Spicoli to Gob Bluth in just one sentence. Also, aren’t we done with the phrase “work hard play hard” and the likes? Let me offer some unsolicited advice. You can easily replace this tired old cliche with something a little more personal. Something to the effect of “I’m a laid back surfer who actually has a job.” Definitely keep Buster in there, though. Little guy is carrying your entire team.
“Love to laugh, stay active and make the most of life *beer emoji, smiley face emoji* if you workout, bonus points! I’m 6’1 and athletic. Moved to CA about a month ago!”
Didn’t some committee agree that “love to laugh” was officially banned from dating app bios (along with “work hard play hard”) like three years ago? Come on now. Either this guy sucks or he is so brilliantly satirical it’s undetectable to the human eye. Only one way to find out. No match yet but I’ll keep you posted.
“Ashtanga/good clean living/happy/I manifested my dreams. I’m living what my wildest imagination was only capable of ten years ago. The qualities I care about are independence, passion, compassion, light-hearted, open heart and fun! I’m only here for 2 weeks and then moving to Florida.”
I don’t have many words for this one, other than I hate this guy so much. I was still thinking about this bio six hours after I saw it. I couldn’t sleep that night without knowing what “Ashtanga” was. The definition: “a method of yoga that involves synchronizing the breath with a progressive series of postures—a process producing intense internal heat and a profuse, purifying sweat that detoxifies muscles and organs. The result is improved circulation, a light and strong body, and a calm mind.” So, yeah. Regular fucking yoga. I bet this dude is going to enjoy the absolute shit out of Florida. Go Live the Dream and leave us alone. Psycho.
“I’m 6’5 *palm tree emoji* – Grew up in Lake Tahoe. Healthy Lifestyle. *apple emoji* Love sunshine, pools, & the BBQ. I like to cook! *silverware emoji* I love the water! Passionate about my business. Scorpio *camping emoji*”
Really counting on that 6’5 to carry us on this one, aren’t we? I don’t see literally anyone giving a shit about literally anything else mentioned here.
“I’ve been known to tell people like it is. I can’t help being honest. Ig _____”
Watch out, he’s got #nofilter and he gives zero fucks. You really think the one platform on which you are unable to speak until spoken to is the best place to advertise that you “tell people like it is?” With a bio like this I can only expect my irresistible opener of “Nice car selfie, my car is also a 2012” to be returned with “Actually now that I’m really looking, your hair looks a little redder in one of your pics than I originally noticed. I’m pretty much all in on the Crema filter for my IG grid at this point so I can’t really switch it up, and we all know how unforgiving that lighting is on redheads. Can’t be bestowing #WCWs upon a straight up daywalker if I’m gonna game this algorithm situation and keep my likes above the 30s.” But I mean, a reply is a reply.
Guys, please step it up. Unlike you, girls actually read taglines. Hit your girl up if you need advice. You can trust me. I kill it on Bumble, after all..
Image via Unsplash