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Yoga, wine, something about pizza. A joke about killing our boyfriends. Blah blah jk, by boyfriend do you mean Netflix? Fluent in sarcasm. Blah blah blah what is a sport. Yes. You have heard it all. By now the self-deprecating shtick in which we (mostly) single females have sought comfort has been exposed and ripped out of our manicured hands. While I won’t say this is a bad thing in the long run, I will say some of us right now are shitting our $120 yoga pants with half a bottle of pinot and 20 minutes of New Girl left looking for the next security blanket to justify our laziness and lack of self-control.
Guys get hit with the “basic” accusations too, but for acting like guys. The Basic Bro motif has traditionally followed the theme of “Blah blah Dave Matthews Band. Blah blah Jordan Spieth. Blah blah SportsCenter. Blah blah fantasy football. Blah blah Patagonia baggies. Blah blah scared of commitment.” What hasn’t gotten enough attention is the male equivalent of the girl yelling “Look at me I drink beer and watch the sports!!!!” This approach is just self-aware enough to evade the obvious stereotype but still leaves itself open to endless mocking.
So because this behavior seemingly has yet to be exposed, I present to you the most basic Bumble bios I have seen from dudes this week. May I reiterate: these are real bios from (presumably) real guys I myself have seen on Bumble this very week.
“Music, fashion, fitness | enjoying the present on purpose | nonreligious, vegetarian, compassion is key | 6’3””
If your vegetarianism is so important to you that you feel the need to mention it in your Bumble bio, we already have problems. Look, I don’t hate vegetarians. I’ve actually been one before. The worst part about it wasn’t giving up meat, it was having to tell people you’re a fucking vegetarian. And “enjoying the present on purpose”? Isn’t the whole point of enjoying the present not having to do it on purpose? So you force yourself to enjoy every singular moment of your life? Conference calls? Follow-up meetings? Root canals? Do yourself a favor and just admit you hate your bullshit job and you want to crush a steak like the rest of us.
“If you like the beach, yoga, workouts, fishing, skiing and intellectual conversation message me”
Nobody loooooves intellectual conversation as much as people who mention it in their Bumble bio. I get it though. Every bumble profile you see lists at least one of the above, so this is just the width of your net. Do I like this tactic? Not particularly, but I see you. You’re going to do okay.
“Are you looking for a laid back surfer who actually has a job?? I work hard but play harder. Family and friends are important. I love to be outdoors and travel around the world. I have an English bulldog named Buster.”
What an aggressive way to paint the rest of the laid back surfers as lazy pieces of shit. It reminds me of “A frozen banana that won’t make you sick and kill you.” From Spicoli to Gob Bluth in just one sentence. Also, aren’t we done with the phrase “work hard play hard” and the likes? Let me offer some unsolicited advice. You can easily replace this tired old cliche with something a little more personal. Something to the effect of “I’m a laid back surfer who actually has a job.” Definitely keep Buster in there, though. Little guy is carrying your entire team.
“Love to laugh, stay active and make the most of life *beer emoji, smiley face emoji* if you workout, bonus points! I’m 6’1 and athletic. Moved to CA about a month ago!”
Didn’t some committee agree that “love to laugh” was officially banned from dating app bios (along with “work hard play hard”) like three years ago? Come on now. Either this guy sucks or he is so brilliantly satirical it’s undetectable to the human eye. Only one way to find out. No match yet but I’ll keep you posted.
“Ashtanga/good clean living/happy/I manifested my dreams. I’m living what my wildest imagination was only capable of ten years ago. The qualities I care about are independence, passion, compassion, light-hearted, open heart and fun! I’m only here for 2 weeks and then moving to Florida.”
I don’t have many words for this one, other than I hate this guy so much. I was still thinking about this bio six hours after I saw it. I couldn’t sleep that night without knowing what “Ashtanga” was. The definition: “a method of yoga that involves synchronizing the breath with a progressive series of postures—a process producing intense internal heat and a profuse, purifying sweat that detoxifies muscles and organs. The result is improved circulation, a light and strong body, and a calm mind.” So, yeah. Regular fucking yoga. I bet this dude is going to enjoy the absolute shit out of Florida. Go Live the Dream and leave us alone. Psycho.
“I’m 6’5 *palm tree emoji* – Grew up in Lake Tahoe. Healthy Lifestyle. *apple emoji* Love sunshine, pools, & the BBQ. I like to cook! *silverware emoji* I love the water! Passionate about my business. Scorpio *camping emoji*”
Really counting on that 6’5 to carry us on this one, aren’t we? I don’t see literally anyone giving a shit about literally anything else mentioned here.
“I’ve been known to tell people like it is. I can’t help being honest. Ig _____”
Watch out, he’s got #nofilter and he gives zero fucks. You really think the one platform on which you are unable to speak until spoken to is the best place to advertise that you “tell people like it is?” With a bio like this I can only expect my irresistible opener of “Nice car selfie, my car is also a 2012” to be returned with “Actually now that I’m really looking, your hair looks a little redder in one of your pics than I originally noticed. I’m pretty much all in on the Crema filter for my IG grid at this point so I can’t really switch it up, and we all know how unforgiving that lighting is on redheads. Can’t be bestowing #WCWs upon a straight up daywalker if I’m gonna game this algorithm situation and keep my likes above the 30s.” But I mean, a reply is a reply.
Guys, please step it up. Unlike you, girls actually read taglines. Hit your girl up if you need advice. You can trust me. I kill it on Bumble, after all..
Image via Unsplash
Respond
Best
Best specializes in making fun of men and wondering why she is still single. She has over 6,000 followers on Periscope, the reason for which she has yet to figure out. Her Tinder bio once went viral for including a pretty mediocre fart joke. Neither of these events she allows anyone in her life to forget.
@WhatTheHellTina
@t_mihel
tina_mihel
I’ll just say it. That Baggies reference was personal.
Just want to throw it out there that one of the more basic parts of this whole article was Best saying “I’ve actually been one before” when commenting on the first guy making it known he was vegan.
Now that I think about it, you’re right.
Can you have a healthy lifestyle and also love BBQ? Pretty sure BBQ is a substantial factor in why my lifestyle is unhealthy.
Define “healthy”
Ask Mr. 6’5″. Seems odd to be the type to call out “healthy lifestyle” and also be the type to call out “love BBQ”. Kinda like rooting for the Red Sox AND the Yankees.
BBQ in California doesn’t mean the same thing as BBQ in most of the US. Think veggie kabobs and shit. Sorry if that ruined your whole day
Anywhere that calls “veggie kabobs” “BBQ” may as well not be in the US.
Best, feel free to write my Bumble profile.
I really need a unique way to say that I’m the most generic white guy ever. PGP.
I’m a 6′ white dude with brown hair and a soft 6 on a good day. I’m kinda a dick, but the playful kind that people generally like. I work in finance and have a job even I can’t explain. I like sports but never played beyond high school..and I’m now relegated to fantasy football. Drinking beer on a patio is clutch. Nerdy as fuck but I hide that shit. And I’m generally accused of dressing like I’m either on a sailboat or like someone’s grandpa.
Sup?
Not all heroines wear capes…
via GIPHY
Right? I would take her to a nice seafood dinner and call her again.
Slide into my DM’s anytime you’re on the east coast
Deal.
This is the most attention my bumble profile has gotten since the day I got drunk and swiped right on every single person for 45 minutes.
I’d swipe right on that as is.
This is better than most Bumble profiles I come across…
Seriously. I live in the Midwest so none of the basic profiles sound like the ones listed in the article but Afterthegame’s is still way better than what I usually read.
Would
Hey, at least that makes sense. Better than:
6’1″ athletic black guy with RBF. Speaks too softly, often scared and always shy. Lives in Silicon Valley but doe not make Silicon Valley money. Drinks to excess, dislikes dark beers. Cooks too much, looking for someone to eat the difference. Walking contradiction.
I uninstalled before I even got to swiping.
Welcome to the club
Can we have a PGP Tinder/Bumble profile review open discussion?
Clearly I’m a fan of this idea.
Needing help with your dating profile. PGP
Sign me up.
Looks like we have a consensus. Make it happen, PGP.
Social experiment time. I volunteer
i’m game. need to find out if it’s my bio, face, or both.
10/10 would participate
Let me know where to send the bio for critiques. I’ve only had the app. for a couple weeks and the only thing I’ve learned outside of what’s in this article is that, if there’s a baby in any pictures, make sure you clarify whether or not it’s yours.
Step One: Stop using emojis.
I don’t mind one or two, but I wouldn’t care if it were Brody Jenner’s profile- if the description is just emojis, it’s a no.
No self respecting man uses emojis. Ever.
Who said I had any self respect? 🙂
You don’t need self-respect. I respect you Shibster.
Counterargument that a small subset of the emojis are a good short hand to use with chicks you already know, e.g., “[beer emoji]?”, or “[tongue out emoji][fire emoji]” when you’re not sure how hard to react to a selfie
It’s just efficient
American flag emoji is always appropriate
Not a single cross-fit reference? These can’t be real.
“I’m living the dream!” = “I will try to convince you to buy CutCo knives from me”
So sharp they can cut a penny and keep their edge!
…why would I ever want to do that?
I am an accountant and am thinking about making my bio “Good in the bed sheets. Better with spreadsheets.” opinions?
I can’t advise against this strongly enough
Its tough out here. Might have to go the tried and true method of hitting up the bars.
San Diego I presume? Personally, I think it’s hilarious. Depending on the type of girl you’re looking to attract, I’d keep in mind that the nerdy route only works if you have good photos/look social/are decent looking. Honestly though, as long as you seem down to earth without saying “I’m down to earth”, don’t use a million emojis, don’t mention fitness, traveling, or how #blessed your life is, you’ll do okay. The number one mistake I see on here is guys taking themselves too seriously.
Give that bio a try. If we match, I’ll message you.
Decent is exactly how I would describe my looks. brb guys bout to hop a flight to Cali.
I would swipe right just to ask for help with macros.
Using dating apps to network. PGP
As a girl, I’d definitely go for that.
We’re all just trying to turn index match functions into whiskey, pizza, and the occasional night of not sleeping alone. Would.
Boy, I couldn’t stand to be any of these dudes friend. These guys suck.
namaste, buddy
Since I mention Dave Matthews band in my bio, I won’t knock any guy that does the same. That being said, these bios all suck, and are so stereotypical California it hurts.