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There are a lot of painfully idiotic photo trends we’ve fallen into as Instagram runs our lives and we feed off of social media likes. Graduating college meant doing a full-on photoshoot in your university’s fountain as you pretended to laugh even though the anxiety about your future was threatening to break you. Anytime you go to happy hour, brunch, or a function, you have to make sure to stand in front of a cool wall, tilt your face perfectly, and show off your $14 cocktail in a way that will make everyone both admire and hate you.
It’s a vicious fucking disease. But no photos, no pictures, are as absurd, as awkward, or as essential as the engagement pictures.
Now, just to get this out of the way: Everyone hates engagement photos. Okay, that might not be true. But most people hate them. Still, once we manage to lock someone down and the blissful high of posting your “I’m getting married” declaration, it becomes clear what the next step is: expensive, professional photos for the sake of
having good quality images to shove down your friends’ throats on Insta documenting this special time in your lives. Ah, young love! Still, just because we’re most likely all going to fall into the engagement photo trap, you can do everything you can to make them not entirely cringe-worthy. Cut these poses out of your “must-shoot” list and you might actually make it out of this whole ordeal with a few friends. Maybe.
On The Train Tracks
One of the most painful pictures ever created, the “walking along train tracks in a casual fashion” has been used by single girls seeking validation and unoriginal couples for as long as social media has made us all turn into like-obsessed zombies. I’m not sure who, exactly, spends their feed time balancing on the tracks in a fedora and artfully ripped jeans, but I have to say — any guy who’s forced into this pose is just praying a train will come hurtling down the path and put him out of his misery.
You know what my favorite means of transpiration is? Straddling some poor guy’s back as he lugs my baby beluga whale body from point A to point B. Everyone’s uncomfortable, everyone’s hot, and no one is actually having a good time, despite the smiles plastered on the couples’ faces.
In The Fucking Forest
I love it when girls wear full-length ball gowns and the guys wear tuxes as they take pictures hugging trees. Not only is it hot, uncomfortable, and awkward, but it’s totally unrealistic. The only time anyone has ever been deep in the forest while donning formal wear was the gang in that one episode of “It’s Always Sunny.” Other than that, anyone in their right mind is going to avoid trees, humidity, and insects while wearing a shitton of sequins. Actually, they’d just avoid it in general, but I digress. If you want to make this a more realistic shot, have the guy drenched in sweat and aggressively staring at a map while the girl sits next to him, slumped over and dejected, looking annoying with tears drying on her face. That’s a picture I’d like on Instagram.
If you don’t pull out a flannel blanket and cuddle up on it in a vast, open field, how do you expect to have a long and prosperous future with your soon-to-be betrothed? Double points if you wrap yourselves up in it while sitting in a pile of leaves and holding up a mason jar with his balls in it!
The Spin Move
You know, the spin move? Where the guy stands there, stiff as a board in his khaki’s and the girl happily spins under his arm as her giant tulle skirt swirls around her. Odds are they’re in a park, a library, or, you guessed it, a forest. Because not only do you always slow dance just for the fun of it, but you tend to do it in quirky, unexpected places! Totally relatable, totally real, totally showcases the fact that as a couple, you spend most of your time hungover on the couch and arguing over Netflix.
Anything With A Chalkboard
I’m not sure when holding a small chalkboard with the words, “I said Yes!” “We’re getting hitched!” or your wedding date in childish, white chalk became a trend, but it needs to be expired like, years ago. First of all, no one just has that shit laying around. Second of all, no one actually writes with their hands like fucking animals anymore. Get with the times, losers! How about you just sit on opposite sides of the couch and text each other, and have the photographer take aerial pictures with a drone? That’ll get the point across in a real while still extravagant way.
Honestly, Just Any Engagement Pictures In General
I’d say cut the shit, save the money, and avoid the pictures altogether, but if you hope to make it down the aisle, you know it’s a necessary evil. So, the choice is yours: Avoid engagement pictures or avoid spending your life with someone who will occasionally touch your junk. Tough call..