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The silent majesty of a winter’s morn. The clean, cool chill of the holiday air. An asshole in his bathrobe, emptying a chemical toilet into your sewer…really quite breathtaking. Winter is upon us. Once the holidays are over, winter still thinks it is necessary to linger around for another three months (four, if you live north of the Mason-Dixon line). Long after the Christmas decorations are put away after staying up until February, you’re still chilled to the bone and it’ll be a while until you thaw out. That’s where food comes in.
Since we’re in the heart of sweater season, you can afford a pack on a few pounds between now and the next time you’ll have to take off your shirt, which will more than likely be at your boss’s Memorial Day barbecue. That’s six whole months. Stuff your face. ‘Tis the season.
Spag and Meat
2 jars spaghetti sauce
1 pound ground beef
1 ounce mushrooms
4 cloves of garlic
2 tbsp olive oil
1/2 cup red wine
1 link (diced) sweet Italian sausage
One package spaghetti
Brown the meat and sausage. Dice the garlic and mushrooms together. Toss it all into the crock-pot and set on low. Drink peppermint schnapps and hot chocolate for six hours. Boil noodles. Consume.
White Boy Chili
4 boneless, skinless chicken breasts
1 onion, chopped
4 cloves garlic, chopped
2 tbsp olive oil
4 cups chicken broth
2 cans green chiles
2 tbsp oregano
2 tbsp cumin
Roast the chicken for 20 minutes at 450 degrees. Chop up all the veggies. Shred the cooked chicken. Toss everything into the crock-pot. Tell all your friends to bring over beer and eat chili. Drink all your friends’ beer. Kick them out of your house in a fit of drunken rage. Garnish with sour cream and colby jack cheese.
Blown Out Pork Shoulder
1 pork shoulder, at least three pounds
2 cups brown sugar
2 tbsp ground mustard powder
2 tbsp paprika
1 tbsp salt
1 tbsp red pepper flakes
4 cloves garlic (halved)
1 tbsp pepper
2 cups ginger ale
1 cup apple cider vinegar
Combine brown sugar, mustard powder, paprika, salt, red pepper, and pepper in a bowl. Generously rub the pork shoulder. Treat her like a lady. Pour the ginger ale and apple cider vinegar in the crock-pot and place the shoulder ever so gingerly into the crock-pot (fat side facing down). Cook on low for 8 to 12 hours. The longer the better. Shred it. Eat it. Love it.
Smoking Pot Roast (requires grill)
1 chuck roast, at least four pounds
2 tbsp all purpose seasoning (salt, pepper, garlic salt)
1 packet onion soup mix
1 cup beef broth
1 cup red wine
1 cup water
4 gold potatoes, quartered
10 baby carrots
Season the chuck roast with the all purpose seasoning. Grill over charcoal for one hour on low heat (250 degrees). Place broth, wine, water, soup mix, and veggies in the crock pot. Place meat on top of veggie bed. Cook on low for 6 to 8 hours. Drink the rest of the bottle of wine and bring a towel for the meat sweats.
Detroit Wet Wings
5 pound bag of frozen chicken wings
2 tbsp red pepper
1 tbsp salt
1 tbsp pepper
1/2 cup wing sauce
2 cups mango juice
1/2 cup Sriracha
Mix the wing sauce, mango juice, Sriracha, red pepper flakes, and salt and pepper together. Then just dump everything in the crock-pot, mix it around a little bit, and cook on low for 6 to 8 hours. Serve during sports.
Hobo Stew
1 package hot dogs
1 can baked beans
1 can SpaghettiOs
2 tbsp chili powder
If you have $3 and a general lack of caution toward your health, you can make this. Throw it all in the crock-pot and hope no one sees you eating this.
Blackout Cinnamon Apple Cider
1 handle dark rum
1 handle Fireball whisky
1 cup sugar
1 gallon regular ass apple cider
1 tbsp cinnamon
Put the cider on high heat for an hour, then drop it down to medium to keep it nice and hot. Break this one out at parties to create the perfect Christmas bender, but make sure you put a go-pro on someone so you know what happened the next day..
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Brian McGannon
What do I love? I love happy hour, a good golf tan, and getting moderately drunk during dinner.
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Beef stew: put 1 Lb stew meat, 2 bags mixed vegetables, & 1 quart of beef broth in the crockpot
So, uh, how long does that hobo stew cook for? Just asking for a friend.
6-8 hours? I feel like someone putting hot dogs and spaghettios in a crockpot is going to want to eat soon. Cause I’ll prolly be drinking
For those of you who want to hold off you’re dad body as long as possible:
you can put three chicken breast in a crockpot and cook it on medium all day while you’re at work. Season the breast generously, very generously 🙂 , with old bay, or any other decent seasonings.
Pull them apart and put in some BBQ sauce. You basically have a healthier version of BBQ pulled pork.
If you’re dedicated use a lettuce wrap. If you’re somewhat trying using Ezekiel bread or whole grains. If you’re going to put it in between two grilled cheese; just use pork.
Hey _Bro, why would anyone want to “hold off you are dad body?” Ladies love the dad body. It’s science.
Mr. Unproductive, Sorry I use an Android. Their version of T9 sometimes makes grammatical errors. They’re working on fixing some of the bugs over there at HQ. Your snarky remark has made me realize I need to proof read before posting; even though you’re just being a dick.
I can’t argue with science about the Dad Body theory of relativity, touché on that one.
I still use your fall version of crock pot recipes. Also, I just found about those liners for crock pots so I don’t even have to wash it. Game changer.
Thanks for the article.
You da man.
I feel like you’re only allowed to eat the hobo stew directly from the crock pot with a ladle, or by licking it off a cafeteria tray.
dude, yes… thought I was the only bro you depends on crock pots and starbucks to survive. Few things are more awesome than coming home from work, and realizing you had something brewing in the crock pot all day. Besides the lil lady loves it when I throw something together via crockpot.
Buffalo Chicken Mac n Cheese
◦1 12oz can evaporated milk
◦1 cup any milk
◦½ cup buffalo style hot sauce
◦¼ teaspoon garlic powder
◦Salt & Pepper to taste
◦3 cups shredded cheddar cheese
◦1 pound precooked chicken, finely chopped
◦½ pound small uncooked pasta (I use small shells or actual macaroni noodles)
◦Garnish (optional): crumbled blue cheese; shredded cheese; bacon; veggies – whatever you want
Instructions
1.Stir together evaporated milk, milk, hot sauce, garlic powder, and salt and pepper in slow cooker. After it’s all mixed together, stir in cheese, chicken, and uncooked pasta until combined.
2.Cover slow cooker and cook on low for about 1 hour. Remove lid, stir, cover again and cook another 30 min – 1 hour or until pasta is soft.
3.Garnish as desired.
Whole milk or bust.
Chicken Breasts
Taco Seasoning Pack
Ranch Powder Pack
Chicken Broth
Pull it apart after 5 hours and be amazed at how good it is.
very clutch B-Mac. i was just texting exes for recipes earlier today… yea, it was an excuse to stuff the stockings one last time..