6 Ways To Do Your Laundry And What They Say About You

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There are plenty of ways to get your laundry done. Which route you take says a lot about who you are as a person, and where you are in this great adventure of life.

Stand Alone Laundromat

You are part of the masses. Every Sunday afternoon, you grab your sack of laundry and pocket full of quarters and head around the block to the local laundromat. Not having any washers or dryers in your building angers you, but you also are way too broke for any other option. In light of that, you are willing to trade your personal safety and any shred of dignity you had left by going there to save the money you will inevitably spend at happy hour on Thursday, or replacing any stolen or damaged items. Up to you.

Delivery Service

You think you’re the king of the castle. Between your mother, your fraternity’s pledges and some generous female classmates in college, you have successfully never done your own laundry in your life. You can justify the $1.50 per pound charge because you are now making more money every month than you ever have in a year of your life, but also because you wouldn’t be caught dead at a laundromat: in the words of Thurston Howell III, “How vulgar.” You’ve most likely been fed from the silver spoon your whole life, and therefore don’t fully understand how anything outside the country club works. Give it a few months until you have to choose between eating more meals than just dinner every day and delivery laundry, then we’ll see if you can handle the real world.

In House

Hot damn, you lucked out! The house/apartment/condo you’re renting has a laundry machine in it. You don’t even have to spend money on doing the wash. No need for Ziploc bags full of quarters. And as long as you and your roommates plan ahead, no lines either. It doesn’t matter that you don’t own any detergent, nor do you know how to fold clothes properly. Just put the machine on hot water cycle and grab a beer. Or, if you’re like me and do not have the mental fortitude to separate whites, darks, and brights, the cold water cycle is for you. You’re free to wash your way, and will have plenty of time for other activities in the comfort of your own home in the meantime.

Home

Either you are still living with your parents, or you still live close enough to home to go there easily. Both of those situations are depressing and unfortunate, which probably means you’re miserable about it too. Even if your mother does the wash for you at home, you still can’t shake the glaring realization that you are in almost no way, shape, or form independent. Yeah you’re saving money and can get home cooked meals whenever you want, but at the end of the day, you are still just as reliant on mommy and daddy as you were when you started preschool.

Girlfriend/Wife

It doesn’t matter how it gets done, but if your girlfriend or wife is doing it, you sir can notch one up in the gender roles win-column. Chances are that she will be doing it while you are off doing other things, like work, golf, or manual labor. Clean laundry waiting for me when I get home? Where do I sign? Even if you happen to be around while she is doing it, if you play your cards right, you might be able to initiate some washing machine sex. You have it made, my good sir. Keep doing you.

Febreze Shower

You are the scum of the earth. Whether you are just flat broke, or trying to get the smell out of a shirt after over-sleeping, an aura of shame follows you wherever you go. It doesn’t matter if nobody notices, because you know. Chances are they will notice, and will definitely think less of you. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.

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Art Vandelay

Young professional with unsustainable aspirations and an impressively low work ethic. Currently banned from Underwriting.

• @michaelbarczak