Last week, I overheard a conversation and interjected, “Are we talking body?” alluding to Tove Lo’s song “Talking Body.” Being 21, one of the girls said, “Wow, Will. That was a really current and topical reference.” It was at this very moment that I realized that I’m no longer the young, current, and hip dude I used to be. I mean, I just used the word “hip” for Christ’s sake.
Just in the past two weeks alone, I’ve had to get clarification on what both “truffle butter” and “trap queen” mean. While I regret asking about one of those two terms (mom, don’t Google either of these), I’m thanking my lucky stars that I just don’t sound like Phil Mickelson saying “tight” yet.
But with that being said, 28-year-old me just doesn’t have the “it” factor that allows me to talk like the kids do these days. And trust me, I’ve tried.
Definition: A diva, mostly from urban cities and ghettos, that has reason to believe she is every man’s eye candy. Unfortunately, she’s wrong. (Source)
How I Used It: “Oh man, that girl is so ratchet.”
The entire room went silent as if I had dropped an n-word or referred to Caitlyn Jenner as a “Bruce” at a pride event. You could hear a pin drop as a wave of anxiety hit me as I realized how unnatural I sounded as I said it. I might as well have followed it up by saying, “She thinks she’s all that and a bag of chips.”
Definition: Interchangeable with the term “fucked up.” Means to be under the influence of alcohol, wasted, gone, when someone is drunk but still partying their face off, a word to express just how drunk you were at that awesome rager last night. (Source)
How I Used It: “I want to get reasonably turnt tonight.”
After that sentence came out, one of the girls I was with just looked at me like I was the biggest square she’d ever seen while the other said, “Will, no. If you say that again, we’re not going out with you tonight.” I think what really killed me was my intense emphasis on the final “T” which, in hindsight, came off as me trying too hard to sound current. Besides, the only people who precede saying “turnt” with “reasonably” should not be saying “turnt” in the first place.
Definition: Originally derived from the two words “crazy” and “drunk”. (Source)
How I Used It: “God, those guys were KRUNK last night.”
Much like “turnt,” “krunk” is just one of those words that I should pretend doesn’t exist. It’s a desperate attempt to sound socially relevant, but it just makes me sound even older because Lil Jon & The East Side Boyz popularized it in 2004 when most college-aged kids were still watching The Disney Channel. I just need to stick to referring to people as being “very drunk” or “hammered” rather than infusing my vocabulary with rap slang.
Definition: The quality of being perfect or on point. (Source)
How I Used It: “Sunday Scaries On Fleek” as a Snapchat story caption.
On the surface, I feel like I should be allowed to use “on fleek” as much anyone. The term itself is just over a year old and I hiply used it on Snapchat which is what all the kids are using these days. But if you dig deeper and analyze the situation, you’ll note that referring to my Sunday Scaries as being “on fleek” means that I’m considering them to be perfect, which Sunday Scaries most definitely aren’t. I need someone at least five years younger than me to tell me to 1) Get off Snapchat and 2) Stop trying to make “on fleek” happen for myself.
Definition: Crew, posse, gang: an informal group of individuals with a common identity and a sense of solidarity. (Source)
How I Used It: “Our squad was so deep last night.”
No 28-year-old basic dude should be using “squad” to represent his collective group of friends, and that goes especially for me. While yes, we do fit the definition of a squad on the surface, it grossly misrepresents the edge we actually have. If an outsider heard me refer to my friends as a “squad,” they’d be enamored as to why I was trying to urbanize a bunch of guys wearing Brooks Brothers button downs and regular fit khakis at dinner. I might as well walk around like Steve Buscemi in 30 Rock.
Using it just feels sad and forced. Excuse me while I go take a drive in my Ford Fusion while listening to my Motown Spotify playlist and thinking about my golf swing. .
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