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Having just come back from a very expensive and liver-destroying bachelorette party in Miami, I learned a few things about my gender and our absurd “hen night” parties. First, male strip clubs are, in no way, the same as female strip clubs (more on that later, though). Eating a full pasta dinner then downing it with shitty mixers from the VIP table you paid a dumb amount of money for is a horrible idea. And if you get a group of five to twelve girls together and plastered, they’re bound to have some pretty interesting conversations.
And while girl code would probably prohibit me from sharing these sacred details, I’ve learned that codes of any sort are usually bullshit. Besides, what’s the point of having heart-to-hearts if you can’t blast them on the internet for your own personal gain, amiright?
How Pretty Each Other Is
It doesn’t matter if you’re dealing with an entire pack of uggos. It doesn’t matter if one girl has a lazy eye, another one has facial hair, and your bride is missing all of her limbs. When 4+ ladies who have never met each other are forced to share a room, they’re morally obligated to compliment the shit out of each other. If your girlfriend comes back from a weekend with the shitty personality of a 10 (while simultaneously having gained five pounds) just know it’s all thanks to the absurd amount of artificial compliments she was force-fed for three straight days. Remind her that she’s actually a 6, and I’m sure she’ll be back to normal in no time!
Ex-Boyfriends
In a dream world, you think that your girl goes off to one of these weekends and does nothing but talk about how wonderful you are and how big your dick is. While that could happen after a vodka soda or two, after about the sixth one, the conversation starts to change. The bride goes through her entire roster, talking shit about the guy who cheated on her in high school and crying about the guy she never got over and would totally rather be marrying. Each and every other girl there will make it their mission to outshine each other and will spill everything horrible their exes ever did to them. So, don’t think the time you made your girlfriend buy her own Plan B and then dumped her the next day will go unnoticed. The bitch is still talking about it seven years later and yes, a whole bachelorette party will be scouring your social media and proclaiming that she’s “so much better” than you.
How Shitty Guys In General Are
It doesn’t matter if no guy has ever hurt them. It doesn’t even matter if the person they’re currently dating has the body of a Hemsworth and the personality of John Krasinski. When a gaggle of girls comes together and the shitty limo-provided Champagne is popped, you better believe that your name is getting fucking dragged. We’ll talk about how annoying the person we’re dating is. We’ll talk about how annoying the male gender in general is. And by the end of the night, we’ll all make out with each other under the ruse of “getting free drinks.” Kidding, kidding. Maybe.
Just A Whole Bunch Of Sex Stuff
Between the phallic-shaped straws, the going-out dresses that literally look like lingerie, and the fact that the whole point of the weekend is to shamelessly flirt with guys for free alcohol to prove that you still have the touch, the topic of sex comes up pretty constantly. From favorite positions to horror stories, no person or situation is safe. If you’ve ever done anything kinky with a girl, you can bet money that she’s going into great detail about it over an expensive carafe of mimosas. Fingers crossed that you actually know where the clitoris is because I can promise you, what happens in the bedroom (or back of the car, or handicapped bathroom stall) gets revealed in exaggerated detail at a bachelorette party.
Penises
If we cut the shit and overlook the whole “celebrating friendship” and “taking pictures in front of cute walls” thing, penises are the one central, underlying theme of the entire party. From everyone discussing the best (and worsts) dicks they’ve ever met, to blowjob tips, sex tips, things to do when you want just the tip, a bachelorette party is one giant penis parade and we’re all just marching in it. If that fact that a group of girls is going to discuss your penis in extreme detail makes you uncomfortable, then you probably don’t want to know what we had to say about the time you asked us to put a finger up your butt. Still, it’s not as bad as that lap dance you’ll get, right?
So, gents. If you ever wondered what your girl talks about when she’s drunk and hanging out with a bunch of bitches, just take comfort in knowing that it’s way, way worse than you could have imagined..
Image via Shutterstock
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Rachel Varina
if it doesn't have snack or seats, i'm not there. hate mail/Sunny references can be sent to itsrachelvarina@gmail.com
@rachelvarina
@rachelvarina
I drunk texted an ex Saturday night (no response naturally) and found out through social media that she was on a bachelorette party. I guess it’s safe to say I got flamed
Slid in an old flings dm’s Friday… going out tomorrow. Was afraid the opposite was going to happen.
As long as it is just an old fling and not a true ex good luck. Never get back with an ex, they are an ex for a reason
Keep firing away bro
So girls have told their friends about how average my sex game is? That’s dope.
Name checks out
Penises?! This is why all my fiancé’s friends keep calling me “little guy” now. Damn it
Looks like Will has a a bunch of new material for TGDAG.
One thing I’ll never understand about women is the fake compliments. If all women know they’re fake, why do they keep saying it?
They’re not fake so much as just like, exaggerated. Like if something is decent and you like it and would consider purchasing it you tell your friend it’s the most amazing thing you’ve seen and that you just *have* to have it, cause #sojelly.
Honestly it is bullshit and I personally gave up on it, most girls do, just depends on if you’re running in TGDAG circles or not. Luckily I have no friends.
I don’t hate on being on the receiving end, it’s just the same thing as watercooler talk, or asking people how they are when you don’t care, everyone knows what’s up.
Uh, no. Most of us have to have a profession. You have to go to work. Thus, you have to have “watercooler talk.” That’s what small talk is – chit chat with people you’d normally never associate with.
But, being friends with people and having to hang around their friends who are a-holes and push you to make these fake exaggerated comments is completely unnecessary.
Work/career is a fact of life. Hanging around people you hate during YOUR free time is NOT a requirement. Reevaluate your situation, please.
You clearly don’t know what’s up.
Damn. Sup?
Just got asked to be a bridesmaid last week. Already have the bachelorette party scaries
As with many articles here, I’m confused. You’re an adult. You’re out of college. You live on your own. Who is forcing you to hang around people like this? It’s pretty simple: choose your own destiny.
This may be true but I’m just going to sit around and tell myself that my fiancee is talking about what a great guy I am and what a great marriage we’re going to have during her bachelorette party.
Just bachelorette parties? I was under the impression that these 5 topics are the subject of regular, day to day conversations.
Can confirm.
Wait, so you guys aren’t discussing value investing theories in emerging companies/markets, the impending housing bubble that’s going to burst again soon, the fact that having children and then trying to become “green” is dumber than driving a fleet of Hummers everywhere while throwing styrofoam packing peanuts out all of the windows constantly like a parade of selfish, self sabotaging psychos, the fact that Paris Hilton’s dog has a higher net worth than all of us, probably?…oh, that’s right, I’m the one that’s not tethered to any sort of reality. Sorry, I forgot. Excuse me
Apparently not
Paris Hilton? Is she still alive and kicking?