5 Things I Learned From The Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show

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When it comes to casual drinking, “popping bottles” isn’t exactly a phrase that comes to mind. I’m much more of a beer and bourbon drinker. Champagne typically has a theatrical aspect to it, something that I don’t need when I’m trying to get a solid buzz on a Tuesday night.

But last night was different. Last night, I stopped by the local Jewel Osco with Lila to pick up a bottle of pink champagne and a bag of salt and pepper kettle chips. We hustled through the store to make it back to her apartment in time for an annual ritual that she and her roommate participate in, something I’ve never done before.

We were watching the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show. Just a man, his girlfriend, and his girlfriend’s best friend, settling in to watch some of the most beautiful women in the world walk, no, strut hundreds of feet down a runway lit with what appear to be LED lights, set to music that isn’t inherently sexual, but makes you think about sex for some reason.

To be honest, I was completely new to this entire experience. I learned a thing or two, and I want to share it with you all, just in case you decide to watch next year.

This seems more like an 80s rock music video than a fashion show.

Dozens of beautiful women, all scantily clad, dancing around a stage and striking poses to show their sexy playfulness. There’s dancing, lights, mirrors, and even a live audience cheering at every turn. There’s pop music. There are costume changes. There’s big hair. And the closest thing is that it’s almost always set to either pop or rock music. Which, speaking of…

Harry Styles is a fucking rock star.

I never got into One Direction. I’m not a big pop music guy, and I don’t really follow the current TV talent contests like America’s Got Talent or The Voice. So, all I really know Harry Styles from is that song where they’re telling that girl that she’s beautiful. I think there’s a beach in the music video. Either way, to watch this dude open the show and see him out there rocking a suit with no tie, rocking out with electric guitars and steady drums behind me… honestly, it turned me on a little bit. I wasn’t expecting it, and I was very impressed.

I am not my girlfriend’s boyfriend. Miguel is my girlfriend’s boyfriend.

Yeah, you know R&B singer Miguel? The guy who’s smooth as hell and can hit those high notes while staring directly into your soul? The guy who’s lyrics are heartbreaking and sexy at the same time? The guy who I kind of have a crush on after watching him perform at the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show? Well, he’s my girlfriend’s boyfriend. Watching her watch him perform, squealing, throwing her hands up, saying, “OH. MY. GOD,” as he drops to his knees during the final moments of his performance…it’s honestly just so fun for me to watch.

(She hasn’t watched me watch an Anna Kendrick movie yet. We can cross that bridge when we get to it.)

…Zoolander wasn’t too far off.

Hear me out on this. I’m not saying anything about the intelligence level of models. I’m not saying that there’s some sort of a conspiracy that a fashion designer is trying to assassinate a world leader. What I’m saying is that there is so much cheesiness that goes into these shows that makes you roll your eyes and smile at the same time. I’m specifically talking about the weird karate thing that those two models did. Like, there’s no real reason for it, unless Victoria’s Secret is coming out with a sportswear line.

Actually, now that I think about it, that’s a very real possibility. I was about half the bottle in at that point so I may have been misinterpreting things.

You can’t just buy these outfits.

So, this whole time, I thought that the entire purpose of fashion shows was to showcase the new clothes that were going to be on the rack this year. I wholeheartedly thought that there was some bougie Victoria’s Secret in New York or Paris or something where you could go in and buy a bra covered in diamonds.

Turns out, that’s not the case. Apparently, you have to know someone who knows someone to even get a chance to buy this stuff. Yeah. So that outfit that had four foot-long horns spiraling out the back? That was made only to say, “I did this first, so now nobody else can.” And then it goes into a pit somewhere and never sees the light of day.

Although that might not be true. I’m still not fully clear on the details, but damn. Sign me up again for next year. .

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Charlie

Using sarcasm as a defense mechanism since 1993. At any given moment I'm either tired, drunk, or stressed out. Get at me at charliepgp@gmail.com or whatever.

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