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With the holidays coming up, there’s a lot to be thankful for. Seeing friends and family, enjoying home cooked meals, and not spending any money as you lounge around your parents’ house for 5+ days, wearing old high school shirts and PJ bottoms. While there’s a lot of wonderful, cliched moments that go along with Thanksgiving, there are also, of course, the downsides. Stress-induced panic attacks due to family problems resurfacing. The fact that your childhood dog passed away and not seeing ole Buster’s face when you pulled up lowkey killed you. And, of course, the lack of sex.
If you’re doing things right, you probably have the occasional intercourse. We’re all young-ish. And attractive-ish. And we know how to get it on. Sort of. Still, going to your family home for close to a week can really put a dent in your usual orgasm schedule. So, assuming you pulled the trigger and decided to bring your SO home with you for the holidays, here are a few sure ways to get that feel-good sex high, all while being under your family’s roof.
1. The Covered Like A Pilgrim
Never have you ever looked more fit, lean, and sexy then mere moments after devouring an entire turkey carcass and basically a whole loaf of bread. Still, just because you look like a tick about to pop, it doesn’t mean your genitals got the memo. Keep things traditional and stay clothed during the deed. Either remove your pants and Winnie The Pooh it or just unbutton and unzip that necessary parts and get at it. Bonus points if you add a hat, a buckle, and a long list of indigenous people you plan to kick out of their homeland.
2. The Stuffing
If there’s one goal over the Thanksgiving holiday, it’s eating to the point of literal sickness and then some. Now, getting off would be great. But do you know what would be even better? A third helping of pumpkin pie. Sure, there’s no penetration, but after gorging yourself, can you really imagine moving? Forego the idea of banging it out, and just grab another spoonful of mashed potatoes. You can have sex anytime. But homemade carbs that your mom insists you have more of? That shit doesn’t happen often enough.
3. The Parent’s House
As an ode to your younger years, enjoy a walk down sexual memory lane. I know it’s been a long time since you had to hide your horny ways, but that’s all part of the fun. Sneak out to your old makeout spot or hop in the car and park in the old church parking lot down the street as you do a very sacrilegious act. If you were a loser in high school, use this opportunity as the chance to redeem yourself and prove just how scandalous you can be.
4. The Football Weekend Blowjob
In a respectful nod to one of the biggest football weekends of the year, celebrate the event like a true American: sitting on your La-Z-Boy throne, patting your vast stomach, chugging some beer, and letting your significant other halfheartedly suck your dick at halftime. Sure, things might get a little awkward if you’re watching the games with your family but honestly, it’s what our incestual-loving forefathers would have wanted.
5. The After Dinner Delight
There’s nothing more lovely than that one meal a year where you truly say “fuck it.” I mean, sure. Most of us have “fuck it” meals plenty more times than once a year, usually after we’d downed too much tequila. Still, come Thanksgiving, it’s the one time when you can be the gluttonous pig you’re meant to be and truly give zero fucks. Why waste this precious day on something as ordinary and cramp-inducing as sex? Everyone knows that the true ecstasy post-meal isn’t thrusting as you feel the food in your stomach sloshing around. It’s falling into a drunken stupor at 5 p.m. only to wake up three hours later and do it all over again..
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Rachel Varina
if it doesn't have snack or seats, i'm not there. hate mail/Sunny references can be sent to itsrachelvarina@gmail.com
@rachelvarina
@rachelvarina
The only sex move I’ll be doing this thanksgiving is the “go out wednesday night, strike out with all the same girls you struck out with in high school, and then go back to the parents’ house and sleep in the same shitty twin sized bed all alone as you did at 16” move. Good times, good times
You forgot the “give your forearm a workout” move.
ShakeWeight gains
I can get behind #4.
Two of those seemed a bit too similar. “Get another helping then don’t have sex cause you’re cool” and “don’t have sex because you just ate a big meal”