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“Wait, why do you need to shower before work if you showered last night?” is a question that still blows my mind. I haven’t learned much in this life, but what I have learned is this: always make sure there’s toilet paper before sitting down on the toilet and girls shower about a quarter of the times guys do.
For the first twenty years of my life, I washed my hair every fuckin’ day. “It’s cleaner,” I thought to myself before being told to wash it every other day for maximum… something. Truth be told, I have no idea why I still abide by that rule even though I have no justification behind it.
During the first eighteen of those first twenty years, I also unabashedly used a loofah without question (and truthfully, I still do because they’re awesome). But once I went into a communal bathroom at college for the first time, I saw all these neanderthals using just a bar of soap and nothing else. It was disgusting.
And now, I’m facing the confusion of how girls don’t shower nearly as much as guys do. I did an inner-office survey, and the results didn’t surprise me at all — most of us can’t even begin to function if we don’t get at least a quick shower in the morning of. Yet, the female portion of the office had zero shame in saying that it’s completely unnecessary to shower in the morning, especially if you showered the night before.
It raised some questions.
“How often do you wash your fucking sheets?”
Real talk though. Unless you have a stay-at-home something, I don’t think you’re washing your sheets all that much. Every night when you go to bed, you take your filthy-ass body and sleep in the same sheets for eight hours. That’s like going to work in the same clothes every day and thinking you’re squeaky clean. Nah. Nappenin’.
“Is ‘bed head’ just not a thing in your world?”
When I wake up, I look like Todd from Wedding Crashers.
No amount of cream, pomade, gel, or whale sperm could keep my hair from flying in all directions if it’s not at least rinsed with some water. And if you have longer hair than I do (which isn’t all that hard), I’ve got a sneaky feeling that it may be a little more difficult to tame the beast.
“Do you brush your teeth in the morning?”
By the logic of not showering in the morning because you showered the night before, do you not brush your teeth in the morning if you brushed them the night before? Because if so, that’s fucking appalling.
I mean, it’s not like you eat anything when you’re sleeping, right? So why would you need to brush your teeth before heading into work? That’s just a waste of time and toothpaste.
You’re scum. I get morning breath like a motherfucker. If I’m in bed with someone and she tries to kiss me before I get a chance to go to the bathroom, she’s getting the “Horror Movie Lips Sewn Shut” treatment. Plus, your boy probs needs to fart too, so hitting the bathroom is essential.
“What are you gaining from not showering in the morning?”
Are you really saving that much time by showering at night? Do you like getting into bed with a wet hair and wet body? I’m too lazy to Google it, but I’m 80% sure studies say you sleep worse if you shower before because said shower raises your body temperature which affects your sleep. Again, too lazy to Google.
Even if I’m not all that dirty, I still like to rinse off because it gives me more of a wake-up call than an alarm or a cup of coffee does. And then when I get out and I smell like lilacs? I feel like Julie Andrews prancing through a field in The Sound Of Music.
“How do you not feel like a pile of filth all day at work?”
Let’s say I shower once a day, first thing in the morning. Come bedtime, I feel disgusting. I’ve been sitting in the same clothes all day, collecting particles of dirt and grime over the last 14 hours, and I can feel the natural oils just crawling on my skin. Most of the time, I throw my hands in the air and just shower again before bed. And then when I wake up the next day? I shower again without questioning it.
If you don’t shower in the morning, you’re going a full 24-hour cycle without stepping foot in the shower again. That’s bananas to me. The thought of sitting at my desk for eight hours after all of the world’s gunk has built up on my body the night prior sounds worse to me than being on Fear Factor sitting in a coffin with cockroaches or snakes all over me.
Disgusting. .
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Will
Will (Twitter / Instagram) is the host of The Sunday Scaries Podcast.
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Team two showers
I go back and forth on team two showers depending upon time of year. I also find it hard to mentally walk the line of nighttime shower = relaxing and morning shower = get your motor running, however slight modifications to water temperature seem to help.
Carefully considering joining this team.
So does that mean two complete outfit changes a day, including underwear?
Girls don’t shower in the morning because it takes an ungodly amount of time to blow dry and straighten/curl hair. We do the whole “shower before bed so that your sheets stay clean and your hair is dry in the morning when you wake up” thing.
There is so much wrong with this.
1. You don’t have to get your hair wet to have a clean body.
2. Even if you shower before bed, your bed still gets dirty. Natural oils and sweat get on your sheets, so unless you’re rotating sheets on the daily, your sheets are dirty. Sure, they aren’t AS dirty as they would be if you didn’t shower, but they’re still dirty.
Are you on team 2 showers? Because if you shower in the morning then get into bed after a long work day without a night shower, your sheets are probably dirtier than the person who solely night showers.
My name is Will and I’m on #TeamTwoShowers. #NoRegrets #DontHateMeCauseISmellGood
Just getting in the shower and not washing your hair can still fuck your hair up. The humidity, even from a short shower, makes my hair a frizz ball mess that will look shitty all day no matter what I do to it.
Washing your hair in the morning not only means getting ready will take forever, but you have to blow dry it too, and heat is also fucking terrible for your hair.
I change my sheets once a week. They still smell like laundry detergent by the time I swap them out. I can live with it.
An ex used to not shower in the morning. Somehow she always ended up beautiful and smelled like roses by 8 AM-when I don’t shower in the morning my hair is a chaotic disaster, I smell like a dumpster fire, and I want to punch everybody. How the hell do you filthy animals do it?
Uh…what’s nasty about using a bar of soap? I’m, uh, asking for a friend.
Without a shower in the morning, I would be unemployed.
Without coffee in the morning, I would be unemployed.
With both a shower and coffee in the morning, I’m barely employed. These two things are the fabric that holds my life together.
Yeah I don’t really give a shit about the shower debate, but I’d have all the sex with Anna Kenrick, regardless of when or if she showered.
The most simple explanation. Guys shower and can be out the door in 15 minutes. Girls shower then 15 minutes of blow drying, an extra 15-30 minutes of hair styling. Hour plus process total.
If we shower at night, our hair can air dry and be styled in the morning.
Or you could wash your hair at night and your body in the morning.
Or you can just wake up earlier…
I don’t know why this is downvoted. Such sound logic.
You can’t hit a homerun every time.
Once slept through my alarm and didn’t have time to shower before work. Felt like Pig-Pen the entire day
My shower schedule really fluctuates around my sex life
Mads- My hair was down to my waist for years until very recently. Washing then drying it all took a good hour and a lot of upper body strength and bluntly- ain’t nobody got time for that. Washing your hair every day is also consider by some to not be so good for it.
Shower caps and dry shampoo are my close friends. I work out at night, so I shower at night (also my gym has nicer towels/shampoo/conditioner than I use at home plus free razors–might as well get my money’s worth and let them buy my shower accouterments and do the laundry.). It would be grosser to sleep in my sweat until the morning.
The promise of a chocolate banana smoothie protein smoothie is usually enough to rouse me from bed. I really love breakfast. I feel pretty awake when I get up. If I’m tired, I don’t have a choice because my cat wants to be fed and will defiantly start gnawing on my iPhone. (Hit the humans where it hurts).
As long as no one shits the bed, my sheets are always pretty effing clean. So no worries there.
I brush my teeth a lot. Trader Joe’s spearmint is my jam.
Madoff I am really confused about this all female office that seems to get you as dirty as a coal mine. WHERE do you work?
I enjoy the juxtaposition of high class and freeloading displayed here by referring to shower stuff you are swiping from the gym as “accouterments”.