5 Holiday Cocktails To Get You Hammered Enough To Power Through

5 Holiday Cocktails To Get You Hammered Enough To Power Through

Most of you have suffered occasionally from FOMO, or the Fear Of Missing Out. But there’s an even more sinister fear that plagues us that doesn’t receive the same amount of press. FOBS, or the Fear Of Being Sober, affects millions of people every holiday season. No matter how much you love your family, chances are you’re not going to be able to deal with them until after you tie a few on.

If your family is anything like mine, Thanksgiving and Christmas is all about the #ChampagneCampaign. And while I’m a huge fan of the bubbly, variety is the spice of life. So here are five cocktails for your inebriated consumption, my personal spin on classic winter cocktails from my time as a bartender. So put down your Samuel Adams Winter Lager or your Prosecco and get mixin’.

1. Santa’s Little Helper

6 parts hot coffee
1 part Jameson Whiskey
2 parts Baileys Irish Cream
1 part Kahlúa
A couple drops of vanilla extract (less is more, more is way too much)
Whipped Cream (optional, but delicious)

Combine coffee, whiskey, vanilla, and Irish cream and stir gently. Pour into Irish coffee mug. Spoon in Kahlúa and top with whipped cream. Garnish with a candy cane and throw that shit on the ’gram, you basic bitch.

A variation on the classic Irish Coffee, this drink is perfect for maintaining a perfect buzz while having the energy to carry out those chores you know that your mother is going to force upon you. Whether it’s raking leaves or taking out the trash, you’re going to need some caffeine in your system and some pep in your step to get the job done.

2. Scorched Cider

2 parts apple cider
2 parts Jack Daniels or bourbon
Dash of cinnamon

Pour cider into small pot, and bring to lower boil. Stir in cinnamon, making sure to get rid of all clumps. Nothing worse than feeling like you’re an accidental contender in the cinnamon challenge. Remove from heat and mix in whiskey. Serve in coffee mug and garnish with a cinnamon stick, because for some reason that’s something your family actually keeps stocked in the kitchen.

If you’ve ever been tailgating in the winter, you’re probably already familiar with this drink. Regular hot cider will keep you warm on a snowy day, but scorched cider is what keeps that shirtless super fan with body paint warm throughout the entire game. That, and the fact that he’s 45% body fat.

3. Nutty ‘Nog

3 parts eggnog
1 part spiced rum (I recommend Captain Morgan 100 Proof)
1 part Frangelico
Nutmeg to taste

Combine eggnog, rum, and Frangelico. Stir gently. Pour into Irish coffee glass or snifter. Top with lightly sprinkled nutmeg.

Spiked eggnog is a staple of Christmas beverages. There are many variations of alcoholic eggnog, involving bourbon, brandy, and white or spiced rum. None of the recipes I’ve seen involve Frangelico, however, which is a shame because the sweet hazelnut liqueur gives the eggnog a unique rich and nutty flavor. I’ve also used amaretto in the absence of Frangelico, and it works just as well. This is an excellent hangover cure for when your little cousins are yelling and screaming opening presents on Christmas Day. Maybe you have nieces and nephews or children of your own. Either way, this dangerously delicious and filling drink will keep you buzzed and full until dinner.

4. Christmas Tree Punch

2 parts cranberry juice (64 fl oz for party servings)
1 part pulp free orange juice (32 fl oz for party servings)
1 part Bombay Sapphire gin (Half of a 1.75L bottle for party servings)
1 part club soda or champagne (optional, to make drink weaker or stronger)
6 sliced oranges

Mix cranberry juice, orange juice, and gin. Place ice in punch bowl. I recommend a solid ice block if you can get your hands on one. If you can’t, buy a bag of ice from a grocery store or gas station and use a big solid piece as the center of your punch bowl. Pour mixed ingredients over into punch bowl and add sliced oranges. Serve in highball glasses and garnish with cranberries and fresh mint leaves skewered on toothpicks.

“Cranberry juice?” you might ask. “What is this, a Cosmopolitan recipe? I don’t want a summer drink, I want a nice winter drink that will keep me sauced while I visit my parents.”

Say no more. This isn’t your mom’s rainbow sherbet punch recipe. Bombay Sapphire packs a punch with an ABV of 47%, and is made with juniper berries, which gives the liquor a distinct cedar flavor. The citrus flavors of the cranberry and orange juices complement the gin’s pine taste rather nicely. If Santa’s Little Helper and Nutty ‘Nog aren’t doing the trick, consider this punch Old Faithful. This is also a great drink if you plan on having a few friends over for a Christmas party. A few of these before and after dinner will keep you in the Christmas spirit.

5. Scotch on the Rocks

3 fingers of Johnnie Walker Black Label
5 ice cubes

My personal favorite. Pour ingredients into Old Fashioned tumbler. Drink until you can’t remember what holiday it is.

Image via Shutterstock

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Inside sales at a small company you've never heard of. When I'm not on PGP, you can usually find me having a panic attack during a cold call or spilling coffee on my Tommy Bahama linen shirt. Sometimes I'm funny, but most of the time I'm just a dick.

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