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As business professionals, men are expected to dress and groom themselves in an acceptable manner. Things like cut your nails, take a shower, brush your teeth, and avoid looking like a close relative of the Duck Dynasty family are all part of this “professional attire” rule handed down in the employee handbook.
Unsurprisingly, a man’s hairstyle is also part of professional grooming. The bigger your company, the more hairstyles you will see on a daily basis. Unfortunately that also means you will see more dudes with hairstyles that really undermine that “professional” look. Just because you spend 25 minutes in front of the mirror brushing, waxing, gelling, spraying, pasting, pomading, or volumizing doesn’t make it business appropriate, bro. These hairstyles need to go, so don’t be one of these guys.
The Jersey Shore AKA “Blowout”
It’s unfortunate that work is getting in the way of your Gym, Tan, Laundry routine, but do yourself a favor and stop buying LA Looks by the gallon. You don’t look DTF; you look like a shady used-car salesman, or a tool. Remember kids, “If it’s from Jersey Shore, it doesn’t come through the door!”
The White Man’s Fro
The ’70s are gone and disco is dead. If you’re white, wearing your hair in a big, fro-like poof makes you look like a hippy that probably couldn’t pass a drug test. Is that stereotypical? Absolutely, but go ahead and try explaining the evil of stereotypes to the VP of HR. Seriously, go ahead. I’ll wait.
The Comb-Over
Baldness is unavoidable for some of us. Unless you intend to shell out valuable beer money for hair implants or risk having a strong wind blow your toupee into the street, it’s something many of us will just have to face. When we do have to face it, the sooner we own up and embrace it, the better off we’ll be. Never have I ever heard a woman say, “I just want to run my hands through that thinning comb-over!”
The Roman
Did the Roman Empire fall because the rest of the world just got sick of looking at those awful haircuts? The history books won’t say it, but let’s be real. Sword, shield, armor, helmet – oh shit, I’ve got a curl out of place! Come on. You don’t look noble or cultured, you look lazy and sloppy. Act like you give a damn and drop $7 at Great Clips.
The Fauxhawk
Oh, you’re young and trendy and creative and tech-savvy? I must have missed that. I thought you dressed up as Ryan Seacrest today. There is no other hairstyle in the office today that more loudly says “young and inexperienced” than the fauxhawk. Would you trust a banker in a three-piece suit and a fauxhawk? Didn’t think so. Unless you work in LA or Silicon Valley, you look like a douche. Then again, if you work in LA or Silicon Valley, you’re probably wearing jeans, sneakers (or Italian loafers with no socks), a t-shirt, and a blazer from Nordstrom. You also probably make four times what I do. Carry on.
Respond
Spaceman Spiff
Now a graduate with a few years of business "experience", Spiff didn't exactly turn into the interplanetary explorer extraordinaire he had hoped to become. Instead, he spends his days as a cynical desk jockey, moonlighting as a Contributing Writer for PGP and marching ever closer to the big 3-0, which has only fueled his transition from quarter-life crisis straight into thrisis.
Shoutout to all my brothers turning into silver foxes before 30!
In regards to blowouts and combovers, I don’t know if you could ever really get away with those.
Combovers are weak. Own that shit and go with the Lex Luthor.
I go with what I call the optical illusion: short buzz cut hair on the sides and back, and just have it lightly trimmed with scissors in the front. It appears I have a full head of head because the sides are shorter therefore taking away from my thinning bald top.