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Late Night Eating
Mmmmm…food. It’s the best really, especially when you’re a few cocktails deep and are famished from a night of drinking. Unfortunately, you programmed yourself to crave food well past dinner time during your teen years and into college. If you’re sober, there’s really no reason to stuff your face past 9pm, unless you forgot to make yourself dinner again. You really want to start losing some weight, so you can’t indulge yourself too much with late night snackery.
Lax Fitness Regimen
Your metabolism isn’t as lightning fast as it used to be, and you’ve noticed that you’re still putting on the pounds despite not drinking six nights a week. What could it be? Well, it could be the fact that you’re sitting on your ass for 14 hours a day now, whether it’s at your desk, in your car, on your couch, or on your happy hour bar stool. Believe it or not, you were more active in college than you are now, when you were walking to class, back home from the bars, etc. Sack up, order Insanity off the internet, or join Planet Fitness and get back into shape, you lazy piece of shit.
Acting Inappropriately In Public Places
Showing up to Chili’s completely shitfaced while wearing swim trunks, an American flag bandana and a 1996 Mugsy Bogues Charlotte Hornets jersey is no longer considered “hilarious.” Wait, yeah, that’s still pretty hilarious, just not in the way it used to be. A coworker might be at Chili’s. You might try to appease that coworker with shots, but said coworker is there with their children and is 35 years old. You’re in a new world, learn the language.
Finances
So you spent your rent money at the bars last weekend. If you don’t know, now you know: normal bars are much, much more expensive than college bars. Remember when you could get 12 Jager Bombs and four beers for $20? Well, that same order is going to run you about $250 bucks in the real world. It’s easy to appeal to mom and dad’s charitable ways, especially when it comes to their pride and joy who just graduated with a real life bachelor’s degree. You still can’t balance your checkbook to save your life and have already put yourself thousands of dollars into credit card debt. Eventually mom and dad are going to cut you off though, and that is going to suck.
Driving Like An Idiot
Rule #1 of life: Don’t drink and drive. Ever. But let’s not act like no one’s ever had a beer or two and gotten behind the wheel of a car. As for your sober driving habits, you’re more of a hazard on the road during rush hour than you might be after a long night on the town. Speeding, swerving, cutting people off and giving the one-fingered salute to anyone who might piss you off along the way. Calm down, Earnhardt. Traffic tickets suck so much ass, and you don’t have the time or resources to afford a violation. Lawyer fees, court dates and fines are exactly the opposite of what you need at this point. Keep it under control.
Respond
Brian McGannon
What do I love? I love happy hour, a good golf tan, and getting moderately drunk during dinner.
@BrianMcGannon
@brianmcgannon
brianmcgannon
Is it terrible that I can totally relate to the Chili’s Hornets jersey incident?