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At this point in my life, I only use Facebook to see who’s birthday it is and to keep track of pages I manage. (Social Media Director. #PGP in itself) That doesn’t stop me from spending entirely too much time reading what people post on the site, though. I haven’t posted anything personal in months, because I don’t care what the world thinks of what am doing/will do/am about to do, etc. This type of mentality doesn’t register with all of my other 839 Facebook friends, however. Here are the top 4 Facebook statuses that need to stop.
1. “Rise And Grind!”
We get it. You’re ready to start off another work day. Good for fucking you. This person doesn’t realize that at 23, all of their other Facebook friends are also (hopefully) employed and working. Is it entirely necessary for you to show the world that you’re on your “grind” at 8:30 in the morning? Answer: no, and shut the fuck up. Everybody works. It’s kind of “the thing to do” at our age. It’s funny, because the same people who regularly post that they’re “on their grind” are usually the “CEOs” of some made-up company that they created to hide the fact that they still can’t get my order correctly at Wendy’s. My personal favorite are the self-made record labels. You’re the “CEO at GRIND SO MUHFUGGIN HARD RECORDS”? Awesome man, you’re so gangster.
2. “I don’t normally post this kind of stuff, but…”
STOP. JUST STAHP. STOP RIGHT THERE. If you don’t normally “post this kind of stuff” then please do everyone a favor, and don’t start now. No, seriously. Throw your laptop off of a balcony. This miserable statement is usually followed by some ignorant and biased political opinion of some current event they heard their coworkers mention at lunch, or worse, some bullshit insightful, motivational 5-paragraph essay trying to list everyone’s spirits up even though they hate everything about their life. I know you. You couldn’t write 3 sentences for an assignment in college without sounding like some illiterate douchebag, so why try to redeem yourself now? Comments typically include nods of approval by their fellow inbreds, or (my favorite) people who know what they’re talking about absolutely schooling the original poster. Regardless, anyone who has to mindlessly scroll past this ill-informed bullshit WILL become clinically brain-dead over time.
3. “I’m starting my diet today!/Time to work out!”
This will go hand-in-hand with the famous (or infamous, pending your viewpoint) #StopCrossfit article posted here a few month ago. I’m sitting on my ass trying to kill time during my boring 8-hour desk job. Why the hell would you think I care that you ran for .0019 miles today? It bugs me enough that I have to get up to walk to a bathroom. If my laziness had it their way, I’d pee in the potted plant over by HR. Even worse, I love the people who post their personal stats and declare they’re on a mission to become more fit. Fun fact: 4 times out of 5 you mistake them for a manatee in your News Feed nine weeks later. If you happen to break the norm and become fit, then great, I’ll like the shit out of that weight loss transformation pic. Get off your no-longer fat ass and do something more productive than post a Facebook status.
4. “Need your prayers. <3”
I will admit from the get-go that I’m not the most religious person. However, there’s still a deep, dark place in hell for this person. Has anyone ever scrolled past a status that “asks for prayers” and actually gone home, got on their knees, prayed to God, and actually say a prayer for poor Lisa’s toy poodle who jumped off the 3rd-story balcony and now is in a little doggie coma? No? Didn’t think so. Asking for prayers on Facebook is like going into a bar, standing on a table, and shouting, “WHO WANTS TO RIIIIIDE THIS DICK!?” 0% of people will oblige and 100% of people will think you’re desperate and sad. I’m aware that some instances where this phrase is mentioned end up being very serious, but by posting it on Facebook only tells me that you’re using a serious incident to draw attention and “Likes” from people. If it’s serious enough, get off of Facebook and give a call to your good friends. You know, people who actually give a shit. If you couldn’t tell already, I don’t.
5. “Ughhh bad day :(“
……and? You’re not going to tell me how your boss ripped you a 2nd, 3rd, and 5th asshole for your shitty analytics report? You’re not going to let me how your girlfriend cheated on you, left you, and stole your iHome? Honestly, I’d enjoy that a lot more. Call me sadistic, but if you’re going to tell me how shitty your day is, you better go into excruciating detail. When you post shit like this, you come off as the type of person who truly validates themselves by the amount of “Likes” they get. It’s even better when this person comments on their own post an hour later with, “wat, no one cares?? fine…” If you need to use Facebook to express your emotions, then you need to find better hobbies and/or friends. Take up binge drinking. That’ll make you feel good.
So what’s the moral of this? Literally no one gives a flying fuck what you post on Facebook. Whether you need validation, or want to voice your opinions, Facebook has become a cesspool of moronic interaction. The people who matter don’t care online, and the people who have nothing better to do than rekindle a lost relationship over a website will contribute jack shit to your thoughts. By the way, don’t think I didn’t forget about all the baby and political statuses. Those are too easy, and everyone experiences those so many times an hour that we’ve all become numb to those.