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With the Olympics now in full swing, it’s only natural for us less than average humans to think about how much we all suck in comparison to the elite Gods and Goddesses of modern day athleticism. We feel shitty about our looks, which makes us feel shitty about our skills, which makes us feel shitty about our job, which makes us feel shitty about our life. It’s a never-ending cycle of self-mindfucking where the only remedy is drinking the Michael Phelps Kool-Aid in our underwear surrounded by three empty bags of Orvile Redenbacher’s with extra butter. And so it continues.
But what if real people with real skills and real jobs had their own Olympics to compete in? Take consultants for example. Ignoring the fact that we’re only half the people we once were (due to the daily grind chipping away at our soul), don’t have any tangible skills, and don’t actually know what we do for a living, here’s what the sports world would look like if there were Olympics for us:
1. Excel-Word-PPT Triathlon
2. Fastest through non-TSA Pre peasant security line
3. RFP proposals in 24 hours
4. 10k hotel/airline point redemption trials
5. Airport laps
6. Synchronized lying to the client
7. Airport code trivia
8. Beach Buzzword face-off
9. How many consultants can you fit in a 6×6 team room
10. Overhead luggage deadlift
11. Rhythmic white-boarding
12. “Who just joined?”
13. Status reporting
14. Debating the use of hyphens in “omnichannel”
15. Work-life balance beam
16. Circling back-stroke
17. Plane train relay in ATL
18. Freestyle sweating
19. Passive aggressive email blasting
20. Ghosting your own family
21. Marathon expense filing
22. “Please advise”-ing
23. Communicating with the offshore team…effectively
24. Client super-stalking
25. Template Taekwondo
26. Deep-diving
27. Airport meltdowns
28. Most politically incorrect snapchats
29. Nordic bullshitting
30. Acronym identification
31. Opening kimonos
32. Putting the customer first
33. Trampoline-ing to a competitor
34. Putting out fires
35. Simultaneously speaking for 30 minutes straight but not actually saying anything at all
36. Modern-day evangelizing
37. Roadmap banging out
38. Hurdling your problems onto others
39. Explaining what consultants do for a living…
40. …And having people actually understand..
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Some of these good, but I didn’t need 40. Quality > Quantity
SO impressed by your ability to leverage the consulting olympics Fishbowl thread for this “article”.
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…but what exactly DO consultants do?
“Synchronized lying to the client.” Well done.
Providing absolutely no value. There, I said it
Boiling oceans